No Gauge for My Sanity

Tonight I heard a speaker share something in their story that really hit home with me.  He said that once he got sober he realized that this was the first time in his entire life that he had found sanity.  This was a place he had never been before.  This resonated so loud with me.  I realized for the first time that I have been acting like an alcoholic/drug addict my whole life.  This behavior started way before I started using and drinking.  I lived with no accountability, selfish, self centered, and a brazen fuck it attitude.  Now that I am able to recognize these character defects I have nothing to compare life to with out them.  I cannot compare the sanity (which is minimal) of today to any other time in my life simply because I don't think I have ever been here in this place before.  Thus making this place now an even stranger place to be.  I have no litmus test on how life is without the insanity.  And for me today that brings me some sort of peace.  A peace that comes from not having any answers and it being okay.  A peace that comes from knowing that today since I am truly learning how to live life the right way for the first time that I can take my time.  I don't have to force anything.  I don't have to try and control anything and I can be patient and just live and learn to be me in my own skin.  The other day my therapist asked me what is the next step.  I replied I have no idea.  I could not have been more honest with that answer.  And she replied with, that is okay.  Just stay where you are and maintain for a while.  After hearing those words tonight I am overwhelmed with a feeling of relief and serenity simply because I have realized that it is okay for me to just BE right now.  I can live in the moment and not make any life altering decisions, or be chasing anything or anyone and just be happy with myself and where I am right now.  Which is here with my family learning how to live life sober.  Continue to grow in my program and work through the demons that I have been carrying around for so long.  It really is amazing what I can learn when I keep my mouth shut and listen.

Blessings

Last night I had the opportunity to be a part of a discussion about what a blessing it is to be sober.  There was a new comer in the room and while every one was sharing I was thinking about the events of the last two months and where I was this time last year.   In the last two months I have started a series of oral surgeries, found out I have a torn meniscus and will have to have knee surgery and I will be finding out this week (hopefully) what is happening with the buy out of the company I work for.  Now this time last year any or all of these things would have had me out of my mind and completely wasted.  I would have been making excises for my behavior, putting my health at risk, pushing myself to a jail, an institution or death.  Today, I don't have to revel in that madness. Tonight, my ass will be exactly will be where it needs to be sitting in a chair in a meeting and not in a bar stool.  It is truly a blessing to have found the God of my understanding that has forgiven me for my mistakes and has kept me under his wing safe and sober.  It is truly a blessing to be able to make the right decisions today to ensure that I am continuously working towards emotional sobriety and what is best for my life and not worrying about what is best for anyone else.  Some of these steps have not been easy and have required a lot of introspection and work.  But I would not trade the peace and serenity I have today for anything.  Today, I have learned to accept everyday life, good or bad, with out having to use drugs or climb into a bottle.  Now that I have cleared the majority of the self made bullshit from my life I am able to live happy, joyous, and free.  It was really kind of funny last night at my therapy session, I realized I had nothing to really talk about and it was a relief.  That might be the biggest blessing of all.  No more chaos!  This will only allow for great things to come my way!

New Adventures

Just the other day I was sharing with a co worker that I felt that like I had no entrepreneurial spirit and that I had no ideas about starting a business of my own.  A few days later I was looking at the statistics from this blog and the proverbial light bulb clicked on.  I started this blog back in January as a way to get all the negative feelings and thoughts I was having in early sobriety.  By early June there were right around 1000 hits on the blog and had received very little feedback.  It took me a minute to realize that by early October I had over 6000 hits and the Facebook page I had set up to represent the blog was growing at slow but steady pace daily.  By now I have received several messages from complete strangers about how they enjoy my writing and found it motivational and inspirational.  I figured to myself, maybe now is the time to go after that life long goal of being a story teller and finding a way to make a carrier out of it. This week I have made some investigative phone calls and have done a little research into this world of sober story telling and just as I thought there is money to be made here.  And after looking at some of my competitors sites and content I feel quite confident in my abilities as a writer to be able to compete with some of the sites that are coming up in the top ten results in Google in the recovery writing realm.  So as of today I have a name for my LLC that will be filed for one week from tomorrow.  I have to wait till payday of course.  I have research being done for three new domain names as well as a new logo and a new website on the very near horizon.  This could not have come at a better time, seeing that I am taking a trip to the orthopaedic specialist for a knee injury from playing soccer and I the fact that I could possibly be loosing my job.  I have a great friend of mine that has a knack for making big money in the Internet world and he believes that I could have a hit on my hands.  So between his ideas and the response I have received from all of you it is just enough for me to put forth the effort to becoming a business owner for what I thought was the first time, but I do remember a little thing that I was a part of last year involving the music business of Colfax Avenue in Denver.  Unfortunately I was too far into my disease to see that through to the end but there were small victories and a lot of fun and money raised for good causes.  I am sure a few of you got to witness some of the Colfax Radio collaborations.

With all this being said tonight I am truly grateful  and excited to be on a new path having no idea where it will lead and yet today I do not fear it one bit.  This is all due to this new way of life that I have found in sobriety and having faith in a higher power of my understanding.  As long as I stay sober and commit myself to doing the next right thing, stay in the now, and continue to help fellow drug addicts and alcoholics the coveted 9th step promises will continue go come true.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you that have followed me on this path.  If you continue reading I will continue writing.  Shit I will still write even if y'all don't but I hope you do!

Thank you and God Bless

Now Ronnie Van Zant wasn't from Alabama, he was
From Florida He was a huge Neil Young fan
But in the tradition of Merle Haggard writin'
Okie from Muskogee to tell his dad's point of
View about the hippies 'n Vietnam, Ronnie felt
That the other side of the story should be told.

From "The Three Great Alabama Icons" as written by Earl Hicks and Brad Morgan

Yes

For Those That Mean It

As I sit here tonight listening to the new Patterson Hood album reflecting on the events of the day, I have to admit that I am full of several different emotions.    I will preface what I am going to say next with this will be the last time I will share about this subject.  I am making this a promise.  A promise to myself, to her, to my readers and to God.  Today I received an email.  And in that email was the truth.  The truth that after two years she never did love me and that she used me, and that she never wants to see me again...  I will take the advice a friend of mine gave me today.  Take it for exactly what it is.  Well I will let you imagine what the rest of the email said but that is the jist of it.  But instead of going on a huge negative bit about it I am going to celebrate.  I want to celebrate the people that have never lied to me with those three deadly little words.  Tonight I want to show joy, gratitude, and the unmeasurable amount of love to the people that do truly love me.  They love me without the expectations of getting some thing in return.  True selfless love is something I truly admire and hope for in my own life.  To give and to receive that kind of love means to me that I have finally made it home.  So to all my friends Pete, Jake, Emily, Geoffrey, Brian, Aaron and Annie,Jason F, Janice and Rusty, my parents, Corrin and Craig, Tiffany, Tony.  Tonight I celebrate the love you give me,  It is honest,strong and even curt sometimes.  I would expect nothing less.  This is what it is.  Also in this celebration I will promise to her and to all of you that I will never let a woman believe that I truly love her when I really dont.  That is a deception that is too hard to forgive.  Never will I use those words without complete honesty or for ill gets.  So like I have said many times before.  Please say it and mean it.  Or get out if you dont and dont look back.  For those of you that do have it and do mean it. Remember it is your actions that will make them believe the words I Love You.  Celebrate all the love that you have.  It is a beautiful thing to be shared and rejoiced.  For there are some that will never know what reciprocated love really feels like.

To all of you that I mentioned I LOVE YOU EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!  I hope I will put forward the actions to prove it!


After the damage you've done
How can you leave me now

Patterson Hood

Better Off Without

Better Off Without Lyrics

Patterson Hood

I'm better of without her holding me down
Driving me crazy when she's not around
Better off without pacing back and forth
Taste of ocean water leaves me wanting more
And if salt is what she craves why am I bitter
She's so sweet it rots my teeth
Every time I kiss her
And I'm better off in 50 ways
Why do I still miss her
Misty eye'd and tossed about
Thinking about things I'm better off without
Thinking about things I'm better off without

Guess I'm better off without all she was about
Her village swing so violently
It's tough to stand my ground
So tough to stand around pacing back and forth
Lonely is to wake alone at 4 in the morning
While she's off to better things
Better off without me
I would only hold her down until she'll stop frightening
My skin is underneath her nails since she came on bound
Guess it's too late to turn around
Thinking about things I'm better off without
Thinking about things I'm better off without
Thinking about things I'm better off without

After the Damage

Soon as I saw you standing there as incomplete
I felt the world slip from under my feet
I felt the world come crashing on me
You could've warned me about my defeat
I paid my attentions paid all my fines
For the sake of adventure losing my mind

'Cause I nedded somebody to make me a mess
Get me up in the morning and get me undressed
Make sure all my sport coats are clean and well pressed
Make sure my short cummings are adequately adressed
You made me a sandwich and help me unwand
I left you damage to out of your mind
You're as good as good as good can be
And I never thought it would happen to me

How can you leave me now
After the baggage and babies
After the damage I've done
After the life that you made me
After the damage you've done
How can you leave me now
After the damage you've done
I'll figure it out somehow
How can you leave me now

How can you leave me now
After the baggage and babies
After the damage I've done
After the life that you made me
After the damage you've done
How can you leave me now
After the damage you've done
How can you leave me now

Patterson Hood

List of things I Deserve

This is some homework that was suppose to be done a few weeks ago, and my procrastination of the assignment only makes me think that it is something I might be having a hard time with.  Believe that, a drug addict and alcoholic having a hard time with self worth.  Well it is a very good question.  What do I deserve?  There are those folks in AA that believe that we deserve nothing. Human beings are entitled to nothing. Well one of the best things about AA is I can take what I need and leave the rest.  What are the chances that I will hear some bullshit in a room full of drunks right.  Anyways I do believe that I deserve certain things in life.  Now this is not an extravagant list by any means.  But there are somethings that are necessary in my life. 
     Happiness is the first thing I deserve.  Now this is not something, like most of the things on my list, that does not come with out some work.  The opportunity for myself to be happy comes from a few things.  The first is staying sober.  I know I will never be happy if I go back to the drugs and the booze.  I also have to learn.  It is only through wisdom that I can protect myself from the people, places, and things that are bad for me and that directly affect my happiness. Happiness is really the umbrealla for which everything else falls under.  I deserve to have someone in my life.  A partner if you will.  We as human beings need other people in our lives for our survival.  And after all what is a life with out a partner to push you, to love you, to support you, to make love to you, and the list goes on and on.  The partner umbrella has quite a few things under it. Things I have mentioned before such as honesty, and loyalty, patience, and compassion.   These are things that I deserve not only out of a partner but out of all the people in my life.  And I deserve to give it back as well.  Surely if I am not loving, kind, and patient, then I do not deserve these traits from anyone much less a partner. So for the most part I should be in pretty good shape in this department.  Last, but not least, I deserve peace.  Peace in my mind, peace in my body, and peace all around me.  This falls under both of the before mentioned.  This will come from doing what I need to do for myself and others, consistently looking inward for self improvement, learning when to let go and let God, forgiveness of myself, and acceptance of everything.  This list of tasks is never complete.  It is one of constant and persistent work.  As long as I continue on this path, I will get what I deserve.

    

Payoffs

I am thinking about a lot today.  After reading the daily meditation about Payoffs from Destructive Relationships and the conversation I had with my friends last night I have reached a bit more clarity.  It is time to put myself back out there and start dating again.  It is time to be open to someone that is honest, kind, loyal, and fun.  Here lies a few big questions.  First, where does one meet a sober, not so crazy, smart, attractive, outdoor and rock n roll loving woman over the age of thirty?  Second, how akward will those first moments be with out a cocktail in my hand?  Lots to learn here...  The last relationship I had was full to the brim with Vodka and Cocaine on both ends.  So approaching the subject sober will be a huge change.  Now  I am going to toss this concept out there that is so so taboo in the rooms...  Sex and intimacy.  Oh the joys of relearning how to live life with a clear mind and heart.  Ulimately it comes to being open minded and willing to allow new postive people into my life and to stay on the tracks heading forward.  Which is impossible if I continue to look back.  So the Payoffs are standing on my own two feet, being open to someone much better suited for me, and having the confidence in my self and my accomplishments.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

  

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Payoffs from Destructive Relationships

Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.

The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.

Maybe the relationships feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.

Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.

"My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said one woman. "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself."

Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.

We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.

Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Goodbye

These cities blur before me, a swirl of colors leaned against the sky
Gone so far away and I never really told you good bye
I know it's kind of lame but sometimes things just turn out that way
We were the best of friends and I'll always remember you that way

We started out with nothing, but wild plans and big ideas and dreams
You were quick to swing the hammer and always fast with some ingenious scheme
Sometimes we argued violently but forged it out of bedrock into steel
Our foundations were so solid and our instincts based on something very real
I feel so damned nostalgic every time I think about those times
I forget how it became that I wouldn't recognize you on the line
I start to feel so guilty but goddamn it I swear to you I tried
To bridge between the distances before I left without saying good-bye

I have friends I met last weekend and friends I've had since I was eight
Friends I've said goodbye to and friends who unexpectedly passed away
And nothing is disposable; at least it's never been that way for me
Its not like you were an acquaintance that I could say never really meant anything to me
No we were really great friends and I always thought that it would be that way
Yet I wonder if I'd know you if the guy that I saw last walked in here today
And I swear until I die, I never would have expected you and I
To grow so far apart and leave without ever saying good bye

Patterson Hood / Drive-By Truckers (April 14, 2005 - Ft. Collins CO, back of bus) © Soul Dump Music (BMI)
Wurlitzer Electric Piano - Jason Isbell / Gtr Solo - Mike Cooley

Truth

Loving

   Tuesday, October 9, 2012

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning

When all of the remedies and all of the rhetorical armor have been dropped, the absence of love in our lives is what makes them seem raw and unfinished.
—Ingrid Bengis

Love soothes, encourages, inspires. It enhances our wholeness, both when we give it and when we receive it. Without the expression of love we are severed from our family and friends. It's the bond that strengthens each of us, giving us the courage to tackle what's lying ahead.

We need not wait for someone else's expression of love before giving it. Loving must be unconditional. And when it is, it will be returned tenfold. Loving attracts itself, and it will heal us, soften the hard edges of our lives, and open us up to receive the blessings that others' gratitude will foster.

It's such a simple thing asked of us - to love one another. Unconditional love of our sisters, our lovers, and our children breaks down the barriers to our achievements and theirs. Loving frees us to enjoy life. It energizes us and makes all goals attainable. We carry God's message through our love of one another.

I am charged with only one responsibility today: to love someone, dearly and wholly.

From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey© 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Published 1982. Second edition 1991.

Self-Disclosure

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Self-Disclosure

Learning to gently reveal who we are is how we open ourselves up to love and intimacy in our relationships.

Many of us have hidden under a protective shell, a casing that prevents others from seeing or hurting us. We do not want to be that vulnerable. We do not want to expose our thoughts, feelings, fears, weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths, to others.

We do not want others to see who we really are.

We may be afraid they might judge us, go away, or not like us. We may be uncertain that who we are is okay or exactly how we should reveal ourselves to others.

Being vulnerable can be frightening, especially if we have lived with people who abused, mistreated, manipulated, or did not appreciate us.

Little by little, we learn to take the risk of revealing ourselves. We disclose the real person within to others. We pick safe people, and we begin to disclose bits and pieces about ourselves.

Sometimes, out of fear, we may withhold, thinking that will help the relationship or will help others like us more. That is an illusion. Withholding who we are does not help the other person, the relationship, or us. Withholding is behavior that backfires. For true intimacy and closeness to exist, for us to love ourselves and be content in a relationship, we need to disclose who we are.

That does not mean we tell all to everyone at once. That can be a self-defeating behavior too. We can learn to trust ourselves, about who to tell, when to tell, where to tell, and how much to tell.

To trust that people will love and like us if we are exactly who we are is frightening. But it is the only way we can achieve what we want in relationships. To let go of our need to control others - their opinions, their feelings about us, or the course of the relationship - is the key.

Gently, like a flower, we can learn to open up. Like a flower, we will do that when the sun shines and there is warmth.

Today, I will begin to take the risk of disclosing who I am to someone with whom I feel safe. I will let go of some of my protective devices and risk being vulnerable - even though I may have been taught differently, even though I may have taught myself differently. I will disclose who I am in a way that reflects self-responsibility, self-love, directness, and honesty. God, help me let go of my fears about disclosing who I am to people. Help me accept who I am, and help me let go of my need to be who people want me to be.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher

More Wow!

Monday, October 8, 2012

You are reading from the book Today's Gift

Learn what you are and be such.
—Pindar

The most precious gift we can give those closest to us is honesty. Yet we often hide our true selves from friends, fearing we won't be accepted or loved if we let them see the real us. Often, we show parts of ourselves that hide who we really are. We have often heard ourselves or others say, "My parents would just die if . . . ," or, "don't argue in front of the children."

If we hide too much behind false images, we run the risk of losing track of what is real and what is false. We become actors instead of real people, trying to please Aunt Jane, our grandparents, our big brother, or our children.

When we conquer our fear of letting others in, we are able to see ourselves honestly. When we discover that others accept us as we are, we can accept and love ourselves. To know oneself is to know a person of value.

What part of me have I been hiding?

 

From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Wow

Monday, October 8, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Learning to Wait

I've started to realize that waiting is an art, that waiting achieves things. Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you could not achieve today, however hard you worked, however much money you threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against the wall. . .
—The Courage to Change by Dennis Wholey

The people who are most successful at living and loving are those who can learn to wait successfully. Not many people enjoy waiting or learning patience. Yet, waiting can be a powerful tool that will help us accomplish much good.

We cannot always have what we want when we want it. For different reasons, what we want to do, have, be, or accomplish is not available to us now. But there are things we could not do or have today, no matter what, that we can have in the future. Today, we would make ourselves crazy trying to accomplish what will come naturally and with ease later.

We can trust that all is on schedule. Waiting time is not wasted time. Something is being worked out - in us, in someone else, in the Universe.

We don't have to put our life on hold while we wait. We can direct our attention elsewhere; we can practice acceptance and gratitude in the interim; we can trust that we do have a life to live while we are waiting - then we go about living it.

Deal with your frustration and impatience, but learn how to wait. The old saying, "You can't always get what you want" isn't entirely true. Often, in life, we can get what we want - especially the desires of our heart - if we can learn to wait.

Today, I am willing to learn the art of patience. If I am feeling powerless because I am waiting for something to happen and I am not in control of timing, I will focus on the power available to me by learning to wait.
 

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Perfect for Me Today

Sunday, October 7, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Letting Go of Naivete

We can be loving, trusting people and still not allow ourselves to be used or abused. We don't have to let people do whatever they want to us. Not all requests are legitimate! Not all requests require a yes!

Life may test us. People may seek out our weak spots. We may see a common denominator to the limits that are being tested in our life. If we have a weak spot in one area, we may find ourselves tested repeatedly in that area by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Life, people, our Higher Power, and the universe may be trying to teach us something specific.

When we learn that lesson, we will find that problems with that area dwindle. The boundary has been set, the power has been owned. For now, the lesson has been learned. We may need to be angry with certain people for a while, people who have pushed our tolerance over the edge. That's okay. Soon, we can let go of the anger and exchange it for gratitude. These people have been here to help us learn about what we don't want, what we won't tolerate, and how to own our power.

We can thank them for what we have learned.

How much are we willing to tolerate? How far shall we let others go with us? How much of our anger and intuition shall we discount? Where are our limits? Do we have any? If we don't, we're in trouble.

There are times to not trust others, but instead trust ourselves and set boundaries with those around us.

Today, I will be open to new awareness about the areas where I need healthier boundaries. I will forego my naive assumption that the other person is always right. I will exchange that view for trusting myself, listening to myself, and having and setting healthy boundaries.

Words that get me through!

Once upon a time, my advice to you would have been go out and find yourself a whore
But I guess I've grown up, because I don't give that kind of advice anymore

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

I was 27 when I figured out that blowing my brains wasn't the answer
So I decided, maybe I should find a way to make this world work out for me
And my good friend Paul was 83 when he told me; that "To love is to feel pain"
And I thought about that then and I've thought about that again and again

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

"To love is to feel pain" there ain't no way around it
The very nature of love is to grieve when it is over
The secret to a happy ending is knowing when to roll the credits
Better role them now before something else goes wrong
No, it's a wonderful world, if you can put aside the sadness
And hang on to every ounce of beauty upon you
Better take the time to know it there ain't no way around it
If you feel anything at all

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

So if what you have is working for you, or you think that it can stand a reasonable chance, and whatever's broken seems fixable and nothing's beyond repair
If you still think about each other and smile before you remember how screwed up it's gotten or maybe dream of a time less rotten
Remember, it ain't too late to take a deep breath and throw yourself into it with everything you got

It's great to be alive

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

 Patterson Hood / Drive-By Truckers (In studio 11PM, June 16, 2005) © Soul Dump Music (BMI)
Pedal Steel Guitar - John Neff / Wurlitzer Electric Piano - Jason Isbell / Lead Guitar - Mike Cooley

Saturday, October 6, 2012

You are reading from the book Touchstones

Forgiveness is another word for letting go.
  —Matthew Fox

Learning forgiveness - both granting it to others and accepting it for ourselves - is one of the primary means of a man's spiritual recovery. Many of us, after entering this program, are plagued with strong feelings of guilt. We have finally become accountable, and we see our lives in a new perspective. We long for a chance to undo our mistakes. Many men carry guilt for years as if they deserved to be punished. Our recovery program tells us to let go.

Simply going through the motions of forgiving or accepting forgiveness will not get us very far. We must squarely face our feelings and tell someone so we are no longer alone with our guilt. Then, if there is the possibility for repair without further hurt, we must make repair. In this concrete way we can be genuinely forgiven and fully accept forgiveness. When a man has a spiritual experience like this, he matures and gains the ability to forgive others.

I am grateful for the relief of being forgiven and letting go of past mistakes. I will genuinely let go of my guilt and resentment.

Clarity

In AA the fourth step is to get down on paper, honestly, all the people I was mad at, all the people I have hurt, all of my sex relations and what was my part in all of it.  What did I fear and how could I have handled all of it differently.  Well at least that is how my sponsor had me work the step. Well it has been a few months now since I have worked my first fourth step and tonight at a meeting I finally realized that relationships and how I let them affect me play the biggest role in my disease...  Sure, I knew the specific issues I put on my fourth step and the affect they had on me, but tonight I am able to see the big picture.  The topic of the meeting I went to tonight was on complacency.  And even though I feel like I am far from a drink or a drug tonight, I cannot become complacent in my self examination, and the examination of current and future relationships so I keep that distance.  My emotional sobriety depends on this as well.  I have learned that I have to accept others for who they are, but that in no way means that I have to continue to allow them to take up space in my life.  It occurred to me tonight, that keeping my side of the street clean may entail stepping back from people that may be harmful for me.  And they can be harmful in many aspects.  There expectations of me, and mine of them... And when the reasonable ones are not met, where do I draw the line.  I know I have said this before, but I have to agree with my sponsor, there are healthy and reasonable expectations in relationships with friends, family, and significant others. So what happens when those expectations on either end are not met.  Well some people such as family are harder if not impossible to let go of.  Others are much simpler, not easier, to walk away from.  So tonight I have clarity in seeing that I cannot be complacent on who and what I allow into my life.  Today my relationships must be a two way street.  I can no longer be the here when you want me guy. I can no longer compromise my dignity and self respect for relationships that work on your terms and not our terms.  And sure it is not all about me, but relationships are a give and take.  And the longer I allow them to be on a one way street the further I am from maintaining truly healthy and meaningful relationships.  Ultimately, to me, this is part of why I got sober in the first place.  To have those meaningful, honest, relationships that are full of joy and happiness.  Progress not perfection!

 With the help of God and true friends, I come to realize
I still had two strong legs, and even wings to fly.

Gregg Allman

Monday, October 1, 2012

   You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Be Who You Are

In recovery; we're learning a new behavior. It's called Be Who You Are.

For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?

Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves - regardless of the reaction of others.

Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being whom we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.

We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.

Today, I will own my power to be myself.

Isn't It Ironic

Not to be cliche but I was flipping through the channels on the radio on my way home tonight and caught half of Alanis Morissette's Isn't It Ironic.  It took me right back to an easier time, 1994 or 1995 maybe.  The memories of those years are a nothing but a flash now but as I listened to the words of that song I laughed to myself.  Despite how poppy and top 40 it might be some of those lyrics are very true in my life today.  I wont go into all the places my mind wandered in those few minutes but the line about the good advice you just didnt take resonated loud with me.  In that brief moment all the advice from all the people that I should have listened to zipped through my head almost as if it was on a movie screen.  A lot of that advice would have kept me out of the place that I am in now.  Stay away from drugs and alcohol, dont smoke cigarettes, save your money, and make good grades in school are just a few that I thought of while I sat at the red light in the rain.  Well if you have not figured out by now, I did not listen to any of that good advice.  I did things how I wanted to do them.  And here we are 38, in recovery, living at my parents house in my home town, learning how to live life again, the right way.  Now I dont feel bad about how I got here, and for the most part I dont feel bad about being here.  Sure some days are easier to swallow than others.  But I am proud to be in recovery.  I am happy to say that for the last 11 months I have taken MOST of the advice of the people around me.  Minus one big decision.  And today I am still sober.  Today, I have money in my pocket.  Today I can feel and be trusted.  Today I will do what I say I am going to do. Today I am on the track to being the man I am capable of being simply from realizing that my plan sucks and that there is a much better way to live.  It is funny, reflecting on the weekend, I have finally achieved the life that I once dreamed about.  A NORMAL life.  A life full of things that normal people do.  Lets see, I took it easy Friday, spent Saturday with the family and went to a fundraiser for the church camp my sister and I went to as children.  Met up with an old friend and scored two goals in a soccer game on Sunday.  I am having a huge deja vu moment as I reread those words and think back to the day after Thanksgiving last year and remember telling someone how much I longed for a normal life.  And now its here, and I can only thank God and the program of Alcoholic Anonymous for it!

Carrying the Message

So over the last week I have been looking at new ways to build my readership.  Especially free ones.  I have been looking at different discussion forums and such where like minded people might dwell...  I use to frequent the Widespread Panic discussion forum quite a bit so I figured this too would be a great place to test the waters.  I know there are a good bit of sober Panic fans so why not.  Well despite all the bashing I have taken over sharing about my sobriety in a heavily drug influenced arena, I have received several positive messages from complete strangers.  All of them we very appreciative of me telling my story and were surprisingly supportive.  All of them encouraged me to keep writing and to a few my words were inspirational.  Ill be honest it choked me up a bit today.

  I also had another person reach out to me on Facebook, a complete stranger, who found me through my blog.  It turns out we have mutual friends in Asheville.   All of which is too funny for more than one reason.   Anyways, he shared that he is newley in recovery.  This just proved to me that what I share here is exactly what I need to be doing.  I am very grateful for the opportunity to be of ANY service through my writing and maybe, just maybe, I can help someone to stop digging their hole at the bottom. 

So tonight this is my gratitude list.  Thank you all who have reached out to me in the last few days with your kind words...  You have helped me get through another 24 hours without a drink or a drug.  The love I received today from you is exactly what I needed. 

Thank you!

Grateful!

Its funny how easy I can slip into that negative place despite everything I have learned over the past year.  Slowly but surely I am coming out of that black hole once again and something happened tonight that made me decide to do a gratitude post every night.  Do I have everything I want in life?  No, but I do have some pretty amazing things...  Tonight I got to spend some time talking with a new friend that shared his experiences that made me realize that things will be ok. I am looking froward to seeing this relationship grow.  Today I also had the wonderful experience of seeing the light come back on in a fellow alcoholic...  And it is only through service work was I able to see this change and it quickly got me out of that place in my head where I did not need to be, just like it is suggested in the big book.  Tonight I am also grateful for another friend.  A friend that is always willing to listen.  A friend that always calls me on my bullshit.  A friend that knows how to make me feel important with just a few kind words and a sweet smile.  You know who you are and I am glad you are in my life!  I cannot do this without you!

Thank you God for keeping me sober another 24 hours and the many blessing you have bestowed upon me. 

Searching with my Good Eye Closed

Painted blue across my eyes And tie the linen on And I'm on my way, on my way Looking for the paradigm So I can pass it off Is it on my side, on my side
Is it to the sky, is it to the sky Looking to the sky and down Searching for a ground With my good eye closed
If I took you for a ride Would you take it wrong Or would you make it right, make it right Looking for a pedestal That I can put you on And be on my way, on my way
Is it to the sky, is it to the sky Looking to the sky and down Searching for a ground With my good eye closed
With my good eye closed With my good eye closed With my good eye closed With my good eye closed With my good eye closed With my good eye closed
Stop you're trying to bruise my mind I can do it on my own Stop you're trying to kill my time It's been my death since I was born I don't remember half the time If I'm hiding or I'm lost But I'm on my way, on my way
Is it to the sky, is it to the sky Is it to the sky, is it to the sky I'm on my way, on my way On my way, on my way I'm on my way, on my way Is it to the sky, is it to the sky I'm on my way, on my way Is it to the sky, is it to the sky

Read more: SOUNDGARDEN - SEARCHING WITH MY GOOD EYE CLOSED LYRICS

Tonight

Tonight I will try to remain positive.  Tonight I will believe in the changes others can see in me
even if I cannot see them my self.  Tonight I will have hope that things will get better.  Tonight I will believe that my God will take care of me.  Tonight I will love myself because I am worthy.  Tonight I will progress on changing my thinking.  Tonight I will forgive myself and those I am mad at.  Tonight I will lay still and no peace.  Tonight I will go to sleep grateful knowing I mad it another 24 hours with out drugs and alcohol.  Tonight I will thank God for so many blessings.  Tonight I will ask God for his will not mine.  Tonight I will believe that God is doing for me what I could not do for my self!
Tonight in this moment I have everything I need...  All by the grace of God!

Good night.  Love hard, appreciate them, be grateful and pray!

Ramblings

I went to a men’s meeting tonight and the topic was humility.  From what I have learned over the last 11 months, I am not alone in my struggle to find humility.  Without humility I will be as I understand it I will be unable to stay sober and I cannot by truly honest.  In order to be truly humble I have to remember that I am powerless and to constantly work on my conscience contact with my higher power... It is in his will, not mine will I obtain the ever elusive humility… 

                Tonight, feeling bad both physically and emotionally I have a lot to put into words about my lack of humility and my need to be honest.  There are so many questions that I have on this quest I am on to becoming a better person.  Do I need to yell yet again from the mountain top that I am a raging drug addict and alcoholic that lied, cheated and stole my way through twenty years?  I AM powerless over drugs and alcohol, and people too.  Maybe this just needs to be a reexamining of my character defects.  Just because I am sober now does not mean that I am no longer selfish, self-seeking, arrogant, and as much as I hate to admit it full of fear, doubt and guilt.  Tonight, I am full of resentment and lack the grace of forgiveness and my prayers consist of two things.  God help me, and please give her all that she wants in needs in life…    I know this is turning into just one big stream of feelings and thoughts and bullshit but tonight it is all I have.  Tonight all I can do is humbly ask God to remove afore mentioned defects of character and to ask for the open mindedness and willingness to let go and forgive.  I no longer have the relief of escapism through serious mind altering substances, but I do have the ability to be honest and get out the emotions I am feeling… Yes, I do want things to be different.  Yes, I am having a hard time accepting things as they are.  But today, I don’t have to get wasted over them.  As I rapidly approach that anniversary of that night that finally brought me to my knees last November, the memory has been replaying over and over in my head.  Hitting the bottom that night and feeling so desperate.  Looking into the eyes of someone I loved so much and realizing the hell I was living in while I was escorted out by the cops.  That is a memory I have to keep fresh.  I do not ever want to go there again.  SO maybe tonight being sober has to be enough.  I’m not sure any of this makes sense.  Caffeine, steroids, antibiotics and some other medicine I cannot pronounce I have done a number on me tonight….  With that said, I am going to bed.  I have to believe that the longer I am sober the better things will get!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Tolerance

Practice tolerance.

Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, and our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, and our struggling and sometimes awkward nature.

Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck from problems, and pain. Tolerate our hesitancy to get close, expose ourselves, and be vulnerable.

Tolerate our need to occasionally feel superior, to sometimes feel ashamed, and to occasionally share love as an equal. Tolerate the way we progress - a few steps forward, and a couple back.

Tolerate our instinctive desire to control and how we reluctantly learn to practice detachment. Tolerate the way we say we want love, and then sometimes push others away. Tolerate our tendency to get obsessive, forget to trust God, and occasionally get stuck.

Some things we do not tolerate. Do not tolerate abusive or destructive behaviors toward others or ourselves.

Practice healthy, loving tolerance of ourselves, said one man. When we do, we'll learn tolerance for others. Then, take it one step further; learn that all the humanness we're tolerating is what makes ourselves and others beautiful.

Today, I will be tolerant of myself. From that, I will learn appropriate tolerance of others.

Friday, September 21, 2012

  

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning

Praise and an attitude of gratitude are unbeatable stimulators . . . we increase whatever we extol.
—Sylvia Stitt Edwards

What outlook are we carrying forth into the day ahead? Are we feeling fearful about the circumstances confronting us? Do we dread a planned meeting? Are we worried about the welfare of a friend or lover? Whatever our present outlook, its power over the outcome of our day is profound. Our attitude in regard to any situation attracting our attention influences the outcome. Sometimes to our favor, often to our disfavor if our attitude is negative.

Thankfulness toward life guarantees the rewards we desire, the rewards we seek too often from an ungrateful stance. The feeling of gratitude is foreign to many of us. We came to this program feeling worthless, sometimes rejected, frequently depressed. It seemed life had heaped problems in our laps, and so it had. The more we lamented what life "gave us," the more reasons we were given to lament. We got just what we expected. We still get just what we expect. The difference is that the program has offered us the key to higher expectations. Gratitude for the good in our lives increases the good.

I have the personal power to influence my day; I will make it a good one.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

   

You are reading from the book Touchstones

Sexuality expresses God's intention that people find authentic humanness not in isolation but in relationship.
—James B. Nelson

We men have regarded our sex lives and our spiritual lives as two different worlds. This attitude has caused many crises - anger and frustration with our partners, power struggles, accusations and hurt feelings, shame and guilt about our own behavior.

We can join our spirituality with our sexual selves by taking responsibility for being sexual. Being responsible means we take the risk of being vulnerable, of giving and receiving affection and sexual expression in our relationships. We cannot expect satisfaction of our desires simply because we feel them. In sexuality, as in all parts of our lives, our Higher Power is our guide. We can also say no to sexual expression if we wish.

God guide my sexual awareness today. Open me to experience sexuality as a creative gift for relationships.

Truth

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

   You are reading from the book Touchstones

Who's not sat tense before his own heart's curtain?
—Rainer Maria Rilke

Meeting our Higher Power and ourselves is the universal spiritual process. Sitting before the curtain of our hearts may feel as awesome to us or as frightening as anything we will ever do. When we first admit to ourselves a deeper truth, we feel these overpowering tensions. For some of us, this is a necessary step, which leads to self-knowledge and inner peace. We feel unique, different, alone, and maybe even crazy. For the first time, we are listening to our inner truth rather than outside messages.

Let's think for a moment about today's tensions and strains. Are we really aware of their source? Perhaps they are created by the disturbing honesty of our hearts? We may find our spiritual growth in yielding to the truth. When we are cynical about spiritual experience or when we minimize the importance of our soft-spoken inner wisdom, we are avoiding the truth from our hearts. And we miss the possibility of becoming strong from within.

Today, I will live through the tension and fear of my honesty to reach the point of peace with myself.

Acceptance

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I could not be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4^th Edition, pg. 417

Two People

Any experienced soccer player will tell you that team work is the only way to win a game.  No one player can defeat the other team on his own.  One can try but time and time again he will be knocked down, loose the ball, and eventually will be pulled out due to selfish play.  The sports I play tend to mimic my life and in the game of life we cannot do it alone.  We try and often we find ourselves in the place full of irritability and discontent.  It is pertinent that we show apprecaition and love for the people that do their part to help us survive day to day.  Tonight I want to show my gratitude and love for two people that have been more than supportive...  One has been there a life time and the other is new to my life but is just as supportive as the other.  It is almost as if he has been there all along.

The first person I want to show my gratitude for is my sponsor.  Tony has been truly amazing over the last year.  I met Tony in early December of last year and immediately asked him to be my sponsor.  In the last ten months Tony has been kind, gently, honest and firm.  He has helped me find my way to God and has played a huge roll in helping me loose the obsession to use drugs and alcohol. Tony's relationship with his higher power has been a beacon for me and has helped guide me in the search for my own.  He has never judged me and he always has time for a kind word and is quick to point out the positive, especially when I am deep in that negative hole.  I truly believe that God puts people in our life that will inspire and motivate us when we need it the most. Tony, I am forever grateful for everything you have done for me and you and your family will always be in my prayers.  You are an amazing friend and an even better sponsor.  I could not have made a better decision.

The next second person I want to show my appreciation for but in no way is she the lowest on the list.  When people talk about unconditional love and true support my little sister Corrin is the person that comes to my mind first.  I can remember clear as day the weekend I decided to leave Denver.  I was manic, high as kite, and completely out of my mind after a run in with the police.  Corrin was out of town at our cousins wedding and yet she found time to spend hours on the phone with me.. I cannot remember what was said, I am sure there was a lot of crying on my end and I probably didn't make any sense.  What I do remember is her telling me that everything will be okay.  Corrin has never let me down.  She is always supportive and defends me to end whether I am right or wrong.  She always calls me on my bullshit.  She does not hesitate to make sure that I am never alone and is always helpful in helping me understand the ways of God, which are so new and always confusing to me.  Corrin always pushes me to love harder, eat healthier and to do my part in my community.  She leads by example and is by far the strongest, wisest, woman I have ever known.  She has also given me one of the greatest blessings of my life, my niece, Adelaide Amanda.  She brings me so much joy and makes me forget all the pain of life when she is in my arms.  It is a really funny thing  how an infant can make me feel so safe.  Corrin my hat is off to you.  You are an asset to mankind and I strive everyday to follow your lead and to be an older brother you can be proud of.  I will never have the words to tell you or anyone else how much I love you and how lucky I am to have you.  You are a light in my life that never fades.  I am eternally grateful for you little sister.  May your life be blessed with everything you ever want and need.  I love you!

My life has been far from easy this year and I have gone to places in my mind that no one should ever have to suffer through.  I have been blessed in having Tony and Corrin to hold my hand to and to guide me and fill my heart with love to make sure that I will come out on the other end.  SO if you have someone in your life that are like these two, take the time to love them back.  Take the time to tell them thank you for all that they do.  Let them know they are appreciated !

Sunday, September 16, 2012

You are reading from the book Touchstones

Sit loosely in the saddle of life.
  —Robert Louis Stevenson

Sitting loosely in the saddle is an image of detachment for us. Detachment doesn't mean we stop caring. It means we have an inner wisdom telling us what we can control and what we cannot. When we go to meetings and hear fellow members struggling with temptations to return to old behaviors, we need to detach. When family members or friends are engaged in an addiction, we need to sit loosely in the saddle by caring, but not protecting them from the results of their behavior. Sometimes close friends will be "off base" in the way they talk to us. We practice detachment by not being reactive to the person but being responsive to the inner message of what kind of men we wish to be.

We can't control another person's behavior toward us. Our inner security will never come from how someone else behaves. The most helpful thing we can do for someone is to listen and care; then we need to be ready to let go of the outcome.

I will accept the limits of my control over others. I will care and let go.

Revenge

Sunday, September 16, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Revenge

No matter how long we've been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person.

We want revenge.

We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out.

Those are normal feelings, but we do not have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it's not our job to deal justice.

We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings - the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release the feelings, and be finished with them.

We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back.

Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact.

Acceptance helps. So does forgiveness - not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path.

Today, I will be as angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness - forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.

Forever Grateful

Saturday, September 15, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Getting Through Hard Times

We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way. And only God and we can determine the timing.
  —Codependent No More

Hard times, stressful times, are not all there is to life, but they are part of life, growth, and moving forward.

What we do with hard times, or hard energy, is our choice.

We can use the energy of hard times to work out, and work through, our issues. We can use it to fine-tune our skills and our spirituality. Or we can go through these situations suffering, storing up bitterness, and refusing to grow or change.

Hard times can motivate and mold us to bring out our best. We can use these times to move forward and upward to higher levels of living, loving, and growth.

The choice is ours. Will we let ourselves feel? Will we take a spiritual approach, including gratitude, toward the event? Will we question life and our Higher Power by asking what we're supposed to be learning and doing? Or will we use the incident to prove old, negative beliefs? Will we say, "Nothing good ever happens to me... I'm just a victim... People can't be trusted... Life isn't worth living"?

We do not always require hard energy, or stress, to motivate us to grow and change. We do not have to create stress, seek it, or attract it. But if it's there, we can learn to channel it into growth and use it for achieving what's good in life.

God, let my hard times be healing times.

I Concede

The other day my therapist asked me if I was "willing" to finally let go of the girl and move on with my life.  She said then and only then will I be able to allow someone into my life that truly loves me for who I am.  Well after a little over two years, I am conceding.  You win honey.  For two years I have always been able to see the good in you and the great we could be but that was never enough for you to see past the bad in me.  So now I give in.  I will no longer fight for you and the love we once shared.  Today, September 14, 2012, ten months into my sobriety, I, Erin, surrender yet again.  I tried as hard as I could to give you the love and support that you needed, but in the end, you just did not want it.  I am very grateful that you are sober today, and I guess that was truly our purposes in each others lives.  I am going to leave you with a quote from an email I received from her back in June.

I only want to leave you with this:  No matter how horrible and toxic I have been for you and your happiness, I value our relationship and the connection that we had more than words.  I am forever grateful that you were here for me when I was close to losing everything to encourage and push me to make this change.  I most certainly would not have done it without you.  It is the greatest gift I have ever received. 

Take Care,

Brandi

Goodbye

Now I will reward myself with Widespread Panic tickets!

Sept 12, 2012

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

You are reading from the book Touchstones

Not all fights are bad; in fact they are preferable to disciplined serenity.
—William Atwood

A good relationship includes some disagreement. Anger and disagreement, when we express them respectfully, are important ways of renewing communication and breaking through the walls that sometimes built up. No relationship can tolerate constant fighting. But, when we don't agree with someone, we owe it to that person to speak up and follow through to resolution. We can promise ourselves and the other person that we will stay in the relationship through the disagreement. It is because we care that we fight.

In any relationship we care about, there will be differences. When we avoid all confrontations, our relationships go stale because all emotional issues are avoided. Carefulness and over control undermine love because they don't give it room to breathe, but disagreement and anger expressed in honest and respectful ways will help love grow.

Today, I pray for the courage to acknowledge my disagreements and angry feelings with others and to deal with their feelings toward me.

Healing

We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity... We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way . . . to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life.
—Joshua Loth Liebman

Honest, Open Minded and Willing

Tonight I am sore and exhausted. These physical feelings coincide with some emotional exhaustion as well.  Tonight I went to a new men's meeting looking for some new solutions to the issues in my life that are causing me to ask God why. What I learned first is that I have to be honest with myself about a lot of things.  I have to be honest with myself and understand that life is never going to go the way I want or plan for it to.  This does not mean don’t have a plan or “reasonable expectations”.  I will never dig myself out of the debt I have or MAYBE be financially comfortable without a plan.  But shit will happen…  Jobs will be lost and gained, but I have to hold my head up high and realize things are out of my control and that I am not always going to have a part to change in either situation.  It is just something that happens and it happens to everyone.  I also have to be honest and open minded enough to accept people for who they are and realize that they will never change. I can only try to do the next right thing and worry about keeping my side of the street clean…  I also have to understand that just because I do these things it does not mean that people won’t let me down.  It is the nature of any relationship…  I am not perfect and I will let people down and them me.  This is life.  So, now I have to be willing to grow.  I have to be willing to maintain my physical and emotional sobriety at all costs.  I have to be willing to go to any lengths to achieve this goal…  Do I know exactly what those things are?  I know what I have to do to remain physically sober.  The emotional sobriety is the hard part.  I don’t have these answers.  All I know is that I have to go to meetings and share about the pain at the beginning of the meeting so hopefully I can get the solution that I need.  I have to be willing to change my way of thinking.  I have to be willing to learn to forgive myself more so that I can forgive others.  I have to be willing to learn that I am not always right or wrong.  I have to be willing to let go and love from afar.  I have to be open minded enough and willing to believe that as long as I don’t pick up another drink or drug I will be ok.  I have to believe that my faith in a higher power of my understanding will get me through… Otherwise what is the point?  Just for today!

Last but not least, I am grateful tonight for all the love I have in my life.  I have so much support.  I am very lucky.  I know there are those with a lot less.  I am also very grateful tonight for the opportunity to be playing soccer again.  I do believe this will be a big part of getting back the old Erin that existed long before drugs and alcohol.  For me it is 90 minutes were nothing is wrong in the world!