Sunday, January 5, 2014

Honesty about the Past, the Present, and the Future

                 Something happened this week that I wish I could say was out of the norm.  Instead it was an ugly, recurring, situation in my life that raises its ugly head a couple times a year and knocks me on my ass every single time.  I know I am not unique in dealing with rejection from the opposite sex.  What I do believe makes me unique is in the manner that it occurs and the regularity of it in my life.  What makes my situation somewhat unique in my mind is that I get 24 hours with a potential person.  Sometimes it’s less than 24 hours but rarely more, rarely.  In these brief relationships I have, I am led to believe either by myself or the other person that we are truly enjoying each other seemingly to be the beginning of something.  Yet, every time, no matter how much fun is had or how great the conversation is, or how much we have in common, I am handed the joker card and off they run.  Now if this was to happen every once in a while, I would not think anything about it.  But, this is not the case.  Minus the crazy person I let run my life for a while for a couple of years ago, this situation has been the norm for my relationships with women since 1995 or so.  Now that I am sober, the pain goes a little deeper, and it takes a little piece from me that I can never replace.    With the sobriety also comes introspection, more now than ever, and this is where that discovery has lead; acceptance and brutal fucking honesty.
                After receiving my rejection text earlier this week, my brain began to swirl and I started to take a head trip down memory lane.  What I came to realize and must admit that somewhere around the age of 19 my relationships with women went downhill quick.  The quality quickly turned into quantity, and regrettably, I gave away to the masses what I should have been saving for a few.  Eventually, the one night stands and the bullshit that came with them got old along with my game and I woke up at 30 alone, full of loneliness and pain.  That loneliness pushed my love for substance abuse to new heights and when my intoxication was at its peak, I let the ugliest of the ugly walk right in and tell me those three words I had wanted to hear for so long.  Like a fool, not only did I believe the devil’s lies, I fought for them.  Fortunately, my sobriety was the child of all that ugliness and I have finally been able to give it purpose.  Now on the other end of that mess, and dealing with new pain, I have to get honest about the reality of that relationship.  No matter what she said or did, she never wanted to love me or be with me.  Her head and heart were not with me, so with all honesty, no matter how many times I call her my ex, I never meant anything to her.  I think it is safe to say that she probably never mentions me and if she does, I will never be referred to as her ex anything.  There was a time when I could not admit that without experiencing terrible pain.  But like they say the truth hurts.  Today that wound has healed and it is what it is, a spike in the ugliness of my fleeting romantic life.
                Coming to terms with my past, brings me front and center to the present.  This too is where I have to be brutally honest and it is not pretty at all.  Despite the success I am having in my life today, I have only one person to share any of it with, myself.  And although my need to be surrounded by an abundance of people in my life has dwindled, the need and want for one person, to be deeply and intimately involved has not faded.  If anything it is a desire that has grown, mostly internally, since I cannot share that deep pain and yearning for a partner with anyone.  I have found throughout my experiences that no one, especially women, want that guy around.  So out of self-preservation and peace of mind, I have accepted my situation as it stands today and I am reapplying the smile of dishonesty.  In order to get through my day and all that it entails without looking at that empty spot in my bed and in my heart, I will relearn the lie from years ago.  That is the lie of being single by choice.  That this is something that I truly want for my life, and I am beyond thrilled to be single and not having to deal with any of the responsibilities that accompany having a companion of mind and body.  Why would I ever want to be in a relationship, when I can have this entire glorious kingdom for myself?  This is something, with time, I hopefully can learn to understand as the truth and in the meantime it will keep me safe and out of harm’s way.
                What lies ahead is the hardest part.  The great unknown, tomorrow land.  If I am not wise in this regard, and learn from what my past has taught me, I am in trouble.  So after inspecting the past and the present with complete honesty, I have to accept the fact that in my 40th year of life, it is reasonable to say that I might not ever find that deep love and commitment I have wanted for so long.  I have to accept the fact that it might just not happen, finding my partner.  And the sooner I accept, and learn to love the fact that I am meant to walk through life alone, the easier life will be.  I think.  Now some might suggest having faith or filling that whole with God.  Well I have faith that God will always give me what I need, but not what I want.  And by the looks of my track record, a nut here or there seems to be what I need, despite wanting more.    SO, tonight I will embrace this track of solitude and accept what is the reality of my life and hopefully by the time I am 50 I will have all of those feelings of what could have been put away in nice tidy little boxes shoved down deep into the abyss and long forgotten.

Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today!

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