Clarity

In AA the fourth step is to get down on paper, honestly, all the people I was mad at, all the people I have hurt, all of my sex relations and what was my part in all of it.  What did I fear and how could I have handled all of it differently.  Well at least that is how my sponsor had me work the step. Well it has been a few months now since I have worked my first fourth step and tonight at a meeting I finally realized that relationships and how I let them affect me play the biggest role in my disease...  Sure, I knew the specific issues I put on my fourth step and the affect they had on me, but tonight I am able to see the big picture.  The topic of the meeting I went to tonight was on complacency.  And even though I feel like I am far from a drink or a drug tonight, I cannot become complacent in my self examination, and the examination of current and future relationships so I keep that distance.  My emotional sobriety depends on this as well.  I have learned that I have to accept others for who they are, but that in no way means that I have to continue to allow them to take up space in my life.  It occurred to me tonight, that keeping my side of the street clean may entail stepping back from people that may be harmful for me.  And they can be harmful in many aspects.  There expectations of me, and mine of them... And when the reasonable ones are not met, where do I draw the line.  I know I have said this before, but I have to agree with my sponsor, there are healthy and reasonable expectations in relationships with friends, family, and significant others. So what happens when those expectations on either end are not met.  Well some people such as family are harder if not impossible to let go of.  Others are much simpler, not easier, to walk away from.  So tonight I have clarity in seeing that I cannot be complacent on who and what I allow into my life.  Today my relationships must be a two way street.  I can no longer be the here when you want me guy. I can no longer compromise my dignity and self respect for relationships that work on your terms and not our terms.  And sure it is not all about me, but relationships are a give and take.  And the longer I allow them to be on a one way street the further I am from maintaining truly healthy and meaningful relationships.  Ultimately, to me, this is part of why I got sober in the first place.  To have those meaningful, honest, relationships that are full of joy and happiness.  Progress not perfection!

 With the help of God and true friends, I come to realize
I still had two strong legs, and even wings to fly.

Gregg Allman