Thursday, October 25, 2012
No Gauge for My Sanity
Tonight I heard a speaker share something in their story that really hit home with me. He said that once he got sober he realized that this was the first time in his entire life that he had found sanity. This was a place he had never been before. This resonated so loud with me. I realized for the first time that I have been acting like an alcoholic/drug addict my whole life. This behavior started way before I started using and drinking. I lived with no accountability, selfish, self centered, and a brazen fuck it attitude. Now that I am able to recognize these character defects I have nothing to compare life to with out them. I cannot compare the sanity (which is minimal) of today to any other time in my life simply because I don't think I have ever been here in this place before. Thus making this place now an even stranger place to be. I have no litmus test on how life is without the insanity. And for me today that brings me some sort of peace. A peace that comes from not having any answers and it being okay. A peace that comes from knowing that today since I am truly learning how to live life the right way for the first time that I can take my time. I don't have to force anything. I don't have to try and control anything and I can be patient and just live and learn to be me in my own skin. The other day my therapist asked me what is the next step. I replied I have no idea. I could not have been more honest with that answer. And she replied with, that is okay. Just stay where you are and maintain for a while. After hearing those words tonight I am overwhelmed with a feeling of relief and serenity simply because I have realized that it is okay for me to just BE right now. I can live in the moment and not make any life altering decisions, or be chasing anything or anyone and just be happy with myself and where I am right now. Which is here with my family learning how to live life sober. Continue to grow in my program and work through the demons that I have been carrying around for so long. It really is amazing what I can learn when I keep my mouth shut and listen.