Friday, June 21, 2013

An Amends for Myself

     Over the last month or so I have had some memories come back to haunt me a little bit.  Nothing too serious, but they are some thoughts I would rather not think.  I have hit a very smooth stride here at a little over 19 months sober, yet this one thing keeps going round and round in my sick little brain.  So, now that I know what to do when these things come up, I am able not to sit and stew in my own shit.  I have been sharing about it at meetings, talking with other drug addicts and alcoholics, talking to my sponsor about it and most of all praying about it.  From Tuesday night to tonight, two things were pointed out to me.  The first one is that I cannot think my way into forgiveness.  I can want to forgive someone's transgressions all I want.  But, until I forgive them in my heart the deed is not done. The second thing is that it is possible I have not forgiven myself for allowing this situation to take place.
     Tonight, in the meeting I went to, we discussed making amends.  After listening for most of the meeting, I was thinking about two things.  How important it is to do the amends right so I am no longer hurting anyone, and that I had not made amends to myself.  It was important that I shared on these two topics.  I have been on the end of a really bad amends, actually it was not an amends at all, it was more of a fuck you.  So I could not stress the fact enough, that some doors are better left closed.  And this is where the amends to myself comes in.  Some people are just plain bad.  And despite whatever situation has occurred in the past, who wronged who or so on does not really matter.  The best amends I can give for the other person and myself is to stay the hell away. The follow through, or living amends if you will, for myself, is to NEVER let this type of situation happen again.  My living amends to myself is to continue on this journey of spiritual growth and service to my fellow man.  This is the only way I can guarantee my sobriety.  Cause I surely cannot keep what I do not have, and without my higher power I am lost in the wind and full of fear.
     So tonight, before I go to sleep, I will once again pray for the willingness to forgive not only those who have hurt me, but for all the pain and sorrow I have caused myself.  I will pray to forgive myself for all the terrible and negative things that I have thought and sometimes to this day continue to think about myself.  I will thank God for another day sober and be grateful for all the wonderful blessings I have. And I will have faith, that as long as I do his will by staying sober and helping other addicts, everything will be okay.