Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Summer is Here

What a great few weeks I have had.  My social life has grown leaps and bounds since choosing a home group.  Now, I know why we are told to pick one.  Memorial Day weekend I was so busy and had so much fun I did not want the time to end. This was a HUGE milestone for me in my recovery.  I have met so many great people who are genuinely concerned and invested in my success and I in theirs.  I have always had lots of friends and as we all know when we get sober we find out who our real friends are.  I am very happy about the new people in my life and the support they give me.  It is so comforting to know they are just like me in the fact that they too struggle with a progressive disease that is deadly. In the last month I have managed to recognize my drug of choice, which, is a person and let them go completely.  This too is a HUGE milestone in my recovery.  Like choosing to get sober, letting go of her has allowed me to heal as I should and start rebuilding my self respect.  I have seen my favorite band, rock the fuck out, and learn that I can get back to seeing live music with out using drugs or alcohol.  Music is such a big part of my life, I cannot even imagine life with out it.  I am headed to the beach in a few weeks with my family and I am beyond excited.  I will get to see my God father whom I have not seen in at least twenty years.  This will also be my 4 month old niece's first family trip.  I cannot wait to spend the entire week with her.  She brings so much joy and love into my life it is beyond words.  She is motivation every day to be a better man and to stay sober!  Last, but not least, the 12th step of the Anonymous programs is to carry the message to the alcoholic/addict that still suffers.  This has allowed a friend from my past who I started on this path to destruction with back in to my life and an opportunity for me to carry that message to her in her struggle and hopefully make a difference in her life.  For all these things, I can only thank a higher power of my understanding and show my gratitude by consistently try to improve my life.  I am overwhelmed with excitement about the future and know with out a doubt this will be the best summer of my life.  One last note, I have had the wonderful experience of turning a fellow music addict and alcoholic into a Widespread Panic fan.  As much as he has fought it, he finally let that sweet sound in!  These lyrics posted below are for you buddy!


Transcribed by: unknown
Bryan Irby

Almost 23,
I took a trip to the sea.
Went out for a swim and the waves came crashing down on me.
Turned to head back in.
That's when I saw the fin.
As panic grabbed my legs, you know it, pulled me in.

I didn't see you were right next to me
But I'm so glad you could make it.
With you by my side, I might get back alive
From my next vacation.

Mountains looked like fun.
Climbed up the to sun.
And from the peak, I got such a view, I forgot to hang on.
The wind came rushing in
And broke my safety-pin.
But as I flew by, you threw me a line. Saved again!

I didn't see you were right next to me
But I'm so glad you could make it.
With you by my side, I might get back alive
From my next vacation.

Took a trip over there
To see how I'd fare.
Got on my little white boat and didn't have a care.
The third day at sea,
We began to sink.
They said "Women and children first", I said "Guess that's not me".

But you came along with a raft and a song,
And I'm so glad you could make it.
And with you by my side, I might get back alive
From my next vacation.

I didn't see you were right next to me
But I'm so glad you could make it.
With you by my side, I might get back alive
From my next vacation.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Laws of the Universe

It is nice to see the laws of the universe at work...  More to come on this subject soon!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

This is so familiar!


you wake up your smile is strange
crooked with sugar coated pain
your tongue is stained with the name
the purple blood of The Viper

you fall out of bed and down your stairs
your kitchen is ice blue sharp and bare
one bowl of scorpions and scarlet hair
your breakfast with The Viper

so you click your big screen TV on
but your pretty panorama’s gone
just one scene throbbing on and on
those green cruel eyes of The Viper

so you put a shotgun in your mouth
but you can’t pull that trigger now
your hands are dealing for the house
you’re working for The Viper

and you smoke a pipe and you snort a line
that sultan’s stash he left behind
you’ve been an addict all your life
now you’re higher than The Viper

you walk out into your backyard
the lawn’s all tragic black and charred
burned flat and hard, your calling card
from your visit with The Viper

so you climb into your S.U.V.
you drive downtown to pay your fee
your spine still twists with ecstacy
now you’ve mated with The Viper

your life’s one sugar coated failure
but what a tale you have to tell
your brain’s still crashing with the bells
from your wedding with The Viper

now your soul is old and grey
how many lifetimes will you pay
raw meat is all you crave today
you’re hungry as The Viper

Lyrics and music by Daniel Hutchens
© 2009
Published by Wet Trombone Music BMI

Tuesday, May 15, 2012


You had moved on
that is what you said
two more men
in three days
drinking away the vodka haze
Monday morning
Drunk again
Soon enough the lies came in
I miss you
I love you
I was wrong
Watch me drink all week long
Im such a mess
Sweetly you confessed
The drinking must be repressed
By your side I stayed
Until it was time to go back out and play
Five in five
Rolling in the hay
You never really gave a damn any way

Monday, May 14, 2012


Trust is a funny thing for me.  Unlike most addicts my trust issues are opposite from the usual.  For as long as I can remember I have always given trust with reckless abandon.  Never thinking to be hesitant to give it.  Even in my childhood I can remember giving unearned trust.  I would not wait to see how things would go before opening myself up to someone.  That trust could be earned in a conversation, a brief moment in time was all it took.  Now that I am making my list of people I need to make amends to I am realizing that this has been a dangerous mistake in my life.  All the anger and resentments over all the years mostly stem from choosing to trust those who were not worthy.  Girlfriends will cheat, brothers will betray you, people will take as much as they can get.  This dates back much further than my drug use.  So after sharing about this in a meeting tonight, I realize that I have to be way more picky about the people I allow into my life.  I use to pride myself on being an open book and not letting my poor choices in people allow me to become jaded.  Now, I have something just as, if not more important, than my heart to protect.  My sobriety.  We hear in the rooms to guard our sobriety with everything we have.   Now I understand that means keeping people at a distance and letting them earn their way in to my life. My poor taste in running mates has had me accused of trying to sleep with their girlfriends twice ( 15 years after learning the lessons of being a scum bag), ex girlfriends almost getting me arrested, and people that I have loved unable to man up and admit to their betrayal. And these are just the things that have happened in the last year.  I could go on for days about the things way before I became an addict.  I don't regret the past, but tonight, I realized I cannot shut the door on it and I MUST learn from my mistakes.  I have to guard my sobriety from all things that could put it at risk.  I can no longer give out that trust like a young child...  I must protect my self from those PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS, that are so very dangerous for me!  Six months in to this new life and I learn so much about my self everyday!  I am very grateful today for the family and friends that I can trust and who have stood beside through out the last 6 months.  The last four being the hardest and darkest of my life!