Thursday, October 25, 2012

No Gauge for My Sanity

Tonight I heard a speaker share something in their story that really hit home with me.  He said that once he got sober he realized that this was the first time in his entire life that he had found sanity.  This was a place he had never been before.  This resonated so loud with me.  I realized for the first time that I have been acting like an alcoholic/drug addict my whole life.  This behavior started way before I started using and drinking.  I lived with no accountability, selfish, self centered, and a brazen fuck it attitude.  Now that I am able to recognize these character defects I have nothing to compare life to with out them.  I cannot compare the sanity (which is minimal) of today to any other time in my life simply because I don't think I have ever been here in this place before.  Thus making this place now an even stranger place to be.  I have no litmus test on how life is without the insanity.  And for me today that brings me some sort of peace.  A peace that comes from not having any answers and it being okay.  A peace that comes from knowing that today since I am truly learning how to live life the right way for the first time that I can take my time.  I don't have to force anything.  I don't have to try and control anything and I can be patient and just live and learn to be me in my own skin.  The other day my therapist asked me what is the next step.  I replied I have no idea.  I could not have been more honest with that answer.  And she replied with, that is okay.  Just stay where you are and maintain for a while.  After hearing those words tonight I am overwhelmed with a feeling of relief and serenity simply because I have realized that it is okay for me to just BE right now.  I can live in the moment and not make any life altering decisions, or be chasing anything or anyone and just be happy with myself and where I am right now.  Which is here with my family learning how to live life sober.  Continue to grow in my program and work through the demons that I have been carrying around for so long.  It really is amazing what I can learn when I keep my mouth shut and listen.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


Last night I had the opportunity to be a part of a discussion about what a blessing it is to be sober.  There was a new comer in the room and while every one was sharing I was thinking about the events of the last two months and where I was this time last year.   In the last two months I have started a series of oral surgeries, found out I have a torn meniscus and will have to have knee surgery and I will be finding out this week (hopefully) what is happening with the buy out of the company I work for.  Now this time last year any or all of these things would have had me out of my mind and completely wasted.  I would have been making excises for my behavior, putting my health at risk, pushing myself to a jail, an institution or death.  Today, I don't have to revel in that madness. Tonight, my ass will be exactly will be where it needs to be sitting in a chair in a meeting and not in a bar stool.  It is truly a blessing to have found the God of my understanding that has forgiven me for my mistakes and has kept me under his wing safe and sober.  It is truly a blessing to be able to make the right decisions today to ensure that I am continuously working towards emotional sobriety and what is best for my life and not worrying about what is best for anyone else.  Some of these steps have not been easy and have required a lot of introspection and work.  But I would not trade the peace and serenity I have today for anything.  Today, I have learned to accept everyday life, good or bad, with out having to use drugs or climb into a bottle.  Now that I have cleared the majority of the self made bullshit from my life I am able to live happy, joyous, and free.  It was really kind of funny last night at my therapy session, I realized I had nothing to really talk about and it was a relief.  That might be the biggest blessing of all.  No more chaos!  This will only allow for great things to come my way!

Friday, October 19, 2012

New Adventures

Just the other day I was sharing with a co worker that I felt that like I had no entrepreneurial spirit and that I had no ideas about starting a business of my own.  A few days later I was looking at the statistics from this blog and the proverbial light bulb clicked on.  I started this blog back in January as a way to get all the negative feelings and thoughts I was having in early sobriety.  By early June there were right around 1000 hits on the blog and had received very little feedback.  It took me a minute to realize that by early October I had over 6000 hits and the Facebook page I had set up to represent the blog was growing at slow but steady pace daily.  By now I have received several messages from complete strangers about how they enjoy my writing and found it motivational and inspirational.  I figured to myself, maybe now is the time to go after that life long goal of being a story teller and finding a way to make a carrier out of it. This week I have made some investigative phone calls and have done a little research into this world of sober story telling and just as I thought there is money to be made here.  And after looking at some of my competitors sites and content I feel quite confident in my abilities as a writer to be able to compete with some of the sites that are coming up in the top ten results in Google in the recovery writing realm.  So as of today I have a name for my LLC that will be filed for one week from tomorrow.  I have to wait till payday of course.  I have research being done for three new domain names as well as a new logo and a new website on the very near horizon.  This could not have come at a better time, seeing that I am taking a trip to the orthopaedic specialist for a knee injury from playing soccer and I the fact that I could possibly be loosing my job.  I have a great friend of mine that has a knack for making big money in the Internet world and he believes that I could have a hit on my hands.  So between his ideas and the response I have received from all of you it is just enough for me to put forth the effort to becoming a business owner for what I thought was the first time, but I do remember a little thing that I was a part of last year involving the music business of Colfax Avenue in Denver.  Unfortunately I was too far into my disease to see that through to the end but there were small victories and a lot of fun and money raised for good causes.  I am sure a few of you got to witness some of the Colfax Radio collaborations.

With all this being said tonight I am truly grateful  and excited to be on a new path having no idea where it will lead and yet today I do not fear it one bit.  This is all due to this new way of life that I have found in sobriety and having faith in a higher power of my understanding.  As long as I stay sober and commit myself to doing the next right thing, stay in the now, and continue to help fellow drug addicts and alcoholics the coveted 9th step promises will continue go come true.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you that have followed me on this path.  If you continue reading I will continue writing.  Shit I will still write even if y'all don't but I hope you do!

Thank you and God Bless

Now Ronnie Van Zant wasn't from Alabama, he was
From Florida He was a huge Neil Young fan
But in the tradition of Merle Haggard writin'
Okie from Muskogee to tell his dad's point of
View about the hippies 'n Vietnam, Ronnie felt
That the other side of the story should be told.

From "The Three Great Alabama Icons" as written by Earl Hicks and Brad Morgan

Monday, October 15, 2012

For Those That Mean It

As I sit here tonight listening to the new Patterson Hood album reflecting on the events of the day, I have to admit that I am full of several different emotions.    I will preface what I am going to say next with this will be the last time I will share about this subject.  I am making this a promise.  A promise to myself, to her, to my readers and to God.  Today I received an email.  And in that email was the truth.  The truth that after two years she never did love me and that she used me, and that she never wants to see me again...  I will take the advice a friend of mine gave me today.  Take it for exactly what it is.  Well I will let you imagine what the rest of the email said but that is the jist of it.  But instead of going on a huge negative bit about it I am going to celebrate.  I want to celebrate the people that have never lied to me with those three deadly little words.  Tonight I want to show joy, gratitude, and the unmeasurable amount of love to the people that do truly love me.  They love me without the expectations of getting some thing in return.  True selfless love is something I truly admire and hope for in my own life.  To give and to receive that kind of love means to me that I have finally made it home.  So to all my friends Pete, Jake, Emily, Geoffrey, Brian, Aaron and Annie,Jason F, Janice and Rusty, my parents, Corrin and Craig, Tiffany, Tony.  Tonight I celebrate the love you give me,  It is honest,strong and even curt sometimes.  I would expect nothing less.  This is what it is.  Also in this celebration I will promise to her and to all of you that I will never let a woman believe that I truly love her when I really dont.  That is a deception that is too hard to forgive.  Never will I use those words without complete honesty or for ill gets.  So like I have said many times before.  Please say it and mean it.  Or get out if you dont and dont look back.  For those of you that do have it and do mean it. Remember it is your actions that will make them believe the words I Love You.  Celebrate all the love that you have.  It is a beautiful thing to be shared and rejoiced.  For there are some that will never know what reciprocated love really feels like.

To all of you that I mentioned I LOVE YOU EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!  I hope I will put forward the actions to prove it!

After the damage you've done
How can you leave me now

Patterson Hood

Better Off Without

Better Off Without Lyrics

Patterson Hood

I'm better of without her holding me down
Driving me crazy when she's not around
Better off without pacing back and forth
Taste of ocean water leaves me wanting more
And if salt is what she craves why am I bitter
She's so sweet it rots my teeth
Every time I kiss her
And I'm better off in 50 ways
Why do I still miss her
Misty eye'd and tossed about
Thinking about things I'm better off without
Thinking about things I'm better off without

Guess I'm better off without all she was about
Her village swing so violently
It's tough to stand my ground
So tough to stand around pacing back and forth
Lonely is to wake alone at 4 in the morning
While she's off to better things
Better off without me
I would only hold her down until she'll stop frightening
My skin is underneath her nails since she came on bound
Guess it's too late to turn around
Thinking about things I'm better off without
Thinking about things I'm better off without
Thinking about things I'm better off without

Friday, October 12, 2012

After the Damage

Soon as I saw you standing there as incomplete
I felt the world slip from under my feet
I felt the world come crashing on me
You could've warned me about my defeat
I paid my attentions paid all my fines
For the sake of adventure losing my mind

'Cause I nedded somebody to make me a mess
Get me up in the morning and get me undressed
Make sure all my sport coats are clean and well pressed
Make sure my short cummings are adequately adressed
You made me a sandwich and help me unwand
I left you damage to out of your mind
You're as good as good as good can be
And I never thought it would happen to me

How can you leave me now
After the baggage and babies
After the damage I've done
After the life that you made me
After the damage you've done
How can you leave me now
After the damage you've done
I'll figure it out somehow
How can you leave me now

How can you leave me now
After the baggage and babies
After the damage I've done
After the life that you made me
After the damage you've done
How can you leave me now
After the damage you've done
How can you leave me now

Patterson Hood

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

List of things I Deserve

This is some homework that was suppose to be done a few weeks ago, and my procrastination of the assignment only makes me think that it is something I might be having a hard time with.  Believe that, a drug addict and alcoholic having a hard time with self worth.  Well it is a very good question.  What do I deserve?  There are those folks in AA that believe that we deserve nothing. Human beings are entitled to nothing. Well one of the best things about AA is I can take what I need and leave the rest.  What are the chances that I will hear some bullshit in a room full of drunks right.  Anyways I do believe that I deserve certain things in life.  Now this is not an extravagant list by any means.  But there are somethings that are necessary in my life. 
     Happiness is the first thing I deserve.  Now this is not something, like most of the things on my list, that does not come with out some work.  The opportunity for myself to be happy comes from a few things.  The first is staying sober.  I know I will never be happy if I go back to the drugs and the booze.  I also have to learn.  It is only through wisdom that I can protect myself from the people, places, and things that are bad for me and that directly affect my happiness. Happiness is really the umbrealla for which everything else falls under.  I deserve to have someone in my life.  A partner if you will.  We as human beings need other people in our lives for our survival.  And after all what is a life with out a partner to push you, to love you, to support you, to make love to you, and the list goes on and on.  The partner umbrella has quite a few things under it. Things I have mentioned before such as honesty, and loyalty, patience, and compassion.   These are things that I deserve not only out of a partner but out of all the people in my life.  And I deserve to give it back as well.  Surely if I am not loving, kind, and patient, then I do not deserve these traits from anyone much less a partner. So for the most part I should be in pretty good shape in this department.  Last, but not least, I deserve peace.  Peace in my mind, peace in my body, and peace all around me.  This falls under both of the before mentioned.  This will come from doing what I need to do for myself and others, consistently looking inward for self improvement, learning when to let go and let God, forgiveness of myself, and acceptance of everything.  This list of tasks is never complete.  It is one of constant and persistent work.  As long as I continue on this path, I will get what I deserve.



I am thinking about a lot today.  After reading the daily meditation about Payoffs from Destructive Relationships and the conversation I had with my friends last night I have reached a bit more clarity.  It is time to put myself back out there and start dating again.  It is time to be open to someone that is honest, kind, loyal, and fun.  Here lies a few big questions.  First, where does one meet a sober, not so crazy, smart, attractive, outdoor and rock n roll loving woman over the age of thirty?  Second, how akward will those first moments be with out a cocktail in my hand?  Lots to learn here...  The last relationship I had was full to the brim with Vodka and Cocaine on both ends.  So approaching the subject sober will be a huge change.  Now  I am going to toss this concept out there that is so so taboo in the rooms...  Sex and intimacy.  Oh the joys of relearning how to live life with a clear mind and heart.  Ulimately it comes to being open minded and willing to allow new postive people into my life and to stay on the tracks heading forward.  Which is impossible if I continue to look back.  So the Payoffs are standing on my own two feet, being open to someone much better suited for me, and having the confidence in my self and my accomplishments.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Payoffs from Destructive Relationships

Sometimes it helps to understand that we may be receiving a payoff from relationships that cause us distress.

The relationship may be feeding into our helplessness or our martyr role.

Maybe the relationships feeds our need to be needed, enhancing our self-esteem by allowing us to feel in control or morally superior to the other person.

Some of us feel alleviated from financial or other kinds of responsibility by staying in a particular relationship.

"My father sexually abused me when I was a child," said one woman. "I went on to spend the next twenty years blackmailing him emotionally and financially on this. I could get money from him whenever I wanted, and I never had to take financial responsibility for myself."

Realizing that we may have gotten a codependent payoff from a relationship is not a cause for shame. It means we are searching out the blocks in ourselves that may be stopping our growth.

We can take responsibility for the part we may have played in keeping ourselves victimized. When we are willing to look honestly and fearlessly at the payoff and let it go, we will find the healing we've been seeking. We'll also be ready to receive the positive, healthy payoffs available in relationships, the payoffs we really want and need.

Today, I will be open to looking at the payoffs I may have received from staying in unhealthy relationships, or from keeping destructive systems operating. I will become ready to let go of my need to stay in unhealthy systems; I am ready to face myself.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


These cities blur before me, a swirl of colors leaned against the sky
Gone so far away and I never really told you good bye
I know it's kind of lame but sometimes things just turn out that way
We were the best of friends and I'll always remember you that way

We started out with nothing, but wild plans and big ideas and dreams
You were quick to swing the hammer and always fast with some ingenious scheme
Sometimes we argued violently but forged it out of bedrock into steel
Our foundations were so solid and our instincts based on something very real
I feel so damned nostalgic every time I think about those times
I forget how it became that I wouldn't recognize you on the line
I start to feel so guilty but goddamn it I swear to you I tried
To bridge between the distances before I left without saying good-bye

I have friends I met last weekend and friends I've had since I was eight
Friends I've said goodbye to and friends who unexpectedly passed away
And nothing is disposable; at least it's never been that way for me
Its not like you were an acquaintance that I could say never really meant anything to me
No we were really great friends and I always thought that it would be that way
Yet I wonder if I'd know you if the guy that I saw last walked in here today
And I swear until I die, I never would have expected you and I
To grow so far apart and leave without ever saying good bye

Patterson Hood / Drive-By Truckers (April 14, 2005 - Ft. Collins CO, back of bus) © Soul Dump Music (BMI)
Wurlitzer Electric Piano - Jason Isbell / Gtr Solo - Mike Cooley



   Tuesday, October 9, 2012
You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning
When all of the remedies and all of the rhetorical armor have been dropped, the absence of love in our lives is what makes them seem raw and unfinished.
—Ingrid Bengis

Love soothes, encourages, inspires. It enhances our wholeness, both when we give it and when we receive it. Without the expression of love we are severed from our family and friends. It's the bond that strengthens each of us, giving us the courage to tackle what's lying ahead.

We need not wait for someone else's expression of love before giving it. Loving must be unconditional. And when it is, it will be returned tenfold. Loving attracts itself, and it will heal us, soften the hard edges of our lives, and open us up to receive the blessings that others' gratitude will foster.

It's such a simple thing asked of us - to love one another. Unconditional love of our sisters, our lovers, and our children breaks down the barriers to our achievements and theirs. Loving frees us to enjoy life. It energizes us and makes all goals attainable. We carry God's message through our love of one another.

I am charged with only one responsibility today: to love someone, dearly and wholly.

From Each Day a New Beginning: Daily Meditations for Women by Karen Casey© 1982, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Published 1982. Second edition 1991.


Tuesday, October 9, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Learning to gently reveal who we are is how we open ourselves up to love and intimacy in our relationships.

Many of us have hidden under a protective shell, a casing that prevents others from seeing or hurting us. We do not want to be that vulnerable. We do not want to expose our thoughts, feelings, fears, weaknesses, and sometimes our strengths, to others.

We do not want others to see who we really are.

We may be afraid they might judge us, go away, or not like us. We may be uncertain that who we are is okay or exactly how we should reveal ourselves to others.

Being vulnerable can be frightening, especially if we have lived with people who abused, mistreated, manipulated, or did not appreciate us.

Little by little, we learn to take the risk of revealing ourselves. We disclose the real person within to others. We pick safe people, and we begin to disclose bits and pieces about ourselves.

Sometimes, out of fear, we may withhold, thinking that will help the relationship or will help others like us more. That is an illusion. Withholding who we are does not help the other person, the relationship, or us. Withholding is behavior that backfires. For true intimacy and closeness to exist, for us to love ourselves and be content in a relationship, we need to disclose who we are.

That does not mean we tell all to everyone at once. That can be a self-defeating behavior too. We can learn to trust ourselves, about who to tell, when to tell, where to tell, and how much to tell.

To trust that people will love and like us if we are exactly who we are is frightening. But it is the only way we can achieve what we want in relationships. To let go of our need to control others - their opinions, their feelings about us, or the course of the relationship - is the key.

Gently, like a flower, we can learn to open up. Like a flower, we will do that when the sun shines and there is warmth.

Today, I will begin to take the risk of disclosing who I am to someone with whom I feel safe. I will let go of some of my protective devices and risk being vulnerable - even though I may have been taught differently, even though I may have taught myself differently. I will disclose who I am in a way that reflects self-responsibility, self-love, directness, and honesty. God, help me let go of my fears about disclosing who I am to people. Help me accept who I am, and help me let go of my need to be who people want me to be.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher

Monday, October 8, 2012

More Wow!

Monday, October 8, 2012
You are reading from the book Today's Gift
Learn what you are and be such.

The most precious gift we can give those closest to us is honesty. Yet we often hide our true selves from friends, fearing we won't be accepted or loved if we let them see the real us. Often, we show parts of ourselves that hide who we really are. We have often heard ourselves or others say, "My parents would just die if . . . ," or, "don't argue in front of the children."

If we hide too much behind false images, we run the risk of losing track of what is real and what is false. We become actors instead of real people, trying to please Aunt Jane, our grandparents, our big brother, or our children.

When we conquer our fear of letting others in, we are able to see ourselves honestly. When we discover that others accept us as we are, we can accept and love ourselves. To know oneself is to know a person of value.

What part of me have I been hiding?
From Today's Gift: Daily Meditations for Families ©1985, 1991 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.


Monday, October 8, 2012
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Learning to Wait

I've started to realize that waiting is an art, that waiting achieves things. Waiting can be very, very powerful. Time is a valuable thing. If you can wait two years, you can sometimes achieve something that you could not achieve today, however hard you worked, however much money you threw up in the air, however many times you banged your head against the wall. . .
—The Courage to Change by Dennis Wholey

The people who are most successful at living and loving are those who can learn to wait successfully. Not many people enjoy waiting or learning patience. Yet, waiting can be a powerful tool that will help us accomplish much good.

We cannot always have what we want when we want it. For different reasons, what we want to do, have, be, or accomplish is not available to us now. But there are things we could not do or have today, no matter what, that we can have in the future. Today, we would make ourselves crazy trying to accomplish what will come naturally and with ease later.

We can trust that all is on schedule. Waiting time is not wasted time. Something is being worked out - in us, in someone else, in the Universe.

We don't have to put our life on hold while we wait. We can direct our attention elsewhere; we can practice acceptance and gratitude in the interim; we can trust that we do have a life to live while we are waiting - then we go about living it.

Deal with your frustration and impatience, but learn how to wait. The old saying, "You can't always get what you want" isn't entirely true. Often, in life, we can get what we want - especially the desires of our heart - if we can learn to wait.

Today, I am willing to learn the art of patience. If I am feeling powerless because I am waiting for something to happen and I am not in control of timing, I will focus on the power available to me by learning to wait.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Perfect for Me Today

Sunday, October 7, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Letting Go of Naivete

We can be loving, trusting people and still not allow ourselves to be used or abused. We don't have to let people do whatever they want to us. Not all requests are legitimate! Not all requests require a yes!

Life may test us. People may seek out our weak spots. We may see a common denominator to the limits that are being tested in our life. If we have a weak spot in one area, we may find ourselves tested repeatedly in that area by family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Life, people, our Higher Power, and the universe may be trying to teach us something specific.

When we learn that lesson, we will find that problems with that area dwindle. The boundary has been set, the power has been owned. For now, the lesson has been learned. We may need to be angry with certain people for a while, people who have pushed our tolerance over the edge. That's okay. Soon, we can let go of the anger and exchange it for gratitude. These people have been here to help us learn about what we don't want, what we won't tolerate, and how to own our power.

We can thank them for what we have learned.

How much are we willing to tolerate? How far shall we let others go with us? How much of our anger and intuition shall we discount? Where are our limits? Do we have any? If we don't, we're in trouble.

There are times to not trust others, but instead trust ourselves and set boundaries with those around us.

Today, I will be open to new awareness about the areas where I need healthier boundaries. I will forego my naive assumption that the other person is always right. I will exchange that view for trusting myself, listening to myself, and having and setting healthy boundaries.

Words that get me through!

Once upon a time, my advice to you would have been go out and find yourself a whore
But I guess I've grown up, because I don't give that kind of advice anymore

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

I was 27 when I figured out that blowing my brains wasn't the answer
So I decided, maybe I should find a way to make this world work out for me
And my good friend Paul was 83 when he told me; that "To love is to feel pain"
And I thought about that then and I've thought about that again and again

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

"To love is to feel pain" there ain't no way around it
The very nature of love is to grieve when it is over
The secret to a happy ending is knowing when to roll the credits
Better role them now before something else goes wrong
No, it's a wonderful world, if you can put aside the sadness
And hang on to every ounce of beauty upon you
Better take the time to know it there ain't no way around it
If you feel anything at all

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

So if what you have is working for you, or you think that it can stand a reasonable chance, and whatever's broken seems fixable and nothing's beyond repair
If you still think about each other and smile before you remember how screwed up it's gotten or maybe dream of a time less rotten
Remember, it ain't too late to take a deep breath and throw yourself into it with everything you got

It's great to be alive

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

 Patterson Hood / Drive-By Truckers (In studio 11PM, June 16, 2005) © Soul Dump Music (BMI)
Pedal Steel Guitar - John Neff / Wurlitzer Electric Piano - Jason Isbell / Lead Guitar - Mike Cooley

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Saturday, October 6, 2012

You are reading from the book Touchstones
Forgiveness is another word for letting go.
  —Matthew Fox

Learning forgiveness - both granting it to others and accepting it for ourselves - is one of the primary means of a man's spiritual recovery. Many of us, after entering this program, are plagued with strong feelings of guilt. We have finally become accountable, and we see our lives in a new perspective. We long for a chance to undo our mistakes. Many men carry guilt for years as if they deserved to be punished. Our recovery program tells us to let go.

Simply going through the motions of forgiving or accepting forgiveness will not get us very far. We must squarely face our feelings and tell someone so we are no longer alone with our guilt. Then, if there is the possibility for repair without further hurt, we must make repair. In this concrete way we can be genuinely forgiven and fully accept forgiveness. When a man has a spiritual experience like this, he matures and gains the ability to forgive others.

I am grateful for the relief of being forgiven and letting go of past mistakes. I will genuinely let go of my guilt and resentment.

Monday, October 1, 2012


In AA the fourth step is to get down on paper, honestly, all the people I was mad at, all the people I have hurt, all of my sex relations and what was my part in all of it.  What did I fear and how could I have handled all of it differently.  Well at least that is how my sponsor had me work the step. Well it has been a few months now since I have worked my first fourth step and tonight at a meeting I finally realized that relationships and how I let them affect me play the biggest role in my disease...  Sure, I knew the specific issues I put on my fourth step and the affect they had on me, but tonight I am able to see the big picture.  The topic of the meeting I went to tonight was on complacency.  And even though I feel like I am far from a drink or a drug tonight, I cannot become complacent in my self examination, and the examination of current and future relationships so I keep that distance.  My emotional sobriety depends on this as well.  I have learned that I have to accept others for who they are, but that in no way means that I have to continue to allow them to take up space in my life.  It occurred to me tonight, that keeping my side of the street clean may entail stepping back from people that may be harmful for me.  And they can be harmful in many aspects.  There expectations of me, and mine of them... And when the reasonable ones are not met, where do I draw the line.  I know I have said this before, but I have to agree with my sponsor, there are healthy and reasonable expectations in relationships with friends, family, and significant others. So what happens when those expectations on either end are not met.  Well some people such as family are harder if not impossible to let go of.  Others are much simpler, not easier, to walk away from.  So tonight I have clarity in seeing that I cannot be complacent on who and what I allow into my life.  Today my relationships must be a two way street.  I can no longer be the here when you want me guy. I can no longer compromise my dignity and self respect for relationships that work on your terms and not our terms.  And sure it is not all about me, but relationships are a give and take.  And the longer I allow them to be on a one way street the further I am from maintaining truly healthy and meaningful relationships.  Ultimately, to me, this is part of why I got sober in the first place.  To have those meaningful, honest, relationships that are full of joy and happiness.  Progress not perfection!

 With the help of God and true friends, I come to realize
I still had two strong legs, and even wings to fly.

Gregg Allman

Monday, October 1, 2012

   You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Be Who You Are

In recovery; we're learning a new behavior. It's called Be Who You Are.

For some of us, this can be frightening. What would happen if we felt what we felt, said what we wanted, became firm about our beliefs, and valued what we needed? What would happen if we let go of our camouflage of adaptation? What would happen if we owned our power to be ourselves?

Would people still like us? Would they go away? Would they become angry?

There comes a time when we become willing and ready to take that risk. To continue growing, and living with ourselves, we realize we must liberate ourselves. It becomes time to stop allowing ourselves to be so controlled by others and their expectations and be true to ourselves - regardless of the reaction of others.

Before long, we begin to understand. Some people may go away, but the relationship would have ended anyway. Some people stay and love and respect us more for taking the risk of being whom we are. We begin to achieve intimacy, and relationships that work.

We discover that who we are has always been good enough. It is who we were intended to be.

Today, I will own my power to be myself.