Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Reasonable Expectations

According to my sponsor who has 22 years of sobriety it is ok to have "reasonable expectations".  Its late and I am tired so I am not going to go into what "reasonable expectations" are.  I think it is pretty self explanatory...  Tonight I am feeling let down, embarrassed and burnt out and here are the reasons why.  First, the person I mention from time to time as my special person had been going on and on about buying me a birthday present that truly represented her love and affection for me.  Finally she decided that a plane ticket to Colorado for my birthday would be appropriate.  We had decided to go to Vail and go camping, a couple of dinners and I would be headed back to Atlanta.  It was quite reasonable for me not to expect to get an email two days before I am suppose to leave Atlanta, saying the trip was canceled, please do not contact me.  Now, did I expect, once I got there for things to be a little nutty?  Sure...  But to renege on my birthday present that was very unexpected.  Of course there was no apology and I went way crazy and said a bunch of shit I should have never said and now we will never speak again...  All this because I wanted to see her for my birthday... With the ticket she bought as my present...  Yeah, I am still at a loss.

Now, if that was not enough for you try this on for size... So after completely wrecking my profesional career the last few years, I had finally found the perfect job to get back on my feet with...  A mid level inside sales postition, with good money, great benefits, close to my house and a well know product.  After about six weeks I began to hit my stride and starting closing deals..  This was also about the time I started hearing rumors about the company being sold.  Yet I kept working.  The rumors kept flying and I kept closing, well ramped up before the 17 weeks that I was given to do so.  Then on Monday evening I heard a rumor that the office is closing a month early and anything I sell in the month of August, I will not get paid commision on in September...  Now here is a few very important details I cannot leave out.  In the first week on the job my boss had me in his office to bitch at me about the hour I took for lunch, and two other things I cannot remember.  We have argued over dentist appointments I have not taken yet, and wether one deal is better than no deals,  My boss hired me knowing I would be out of a job in three months and also knowing that I might not get paid for the book of business I have built.  Here is the kicker, I had the highest number on the board today, so my boss hits my desk with a roll of wrapping paper hard and asks about my numbers in front of the whole office.  I am sorry sir you are asking me about numbers that i have sold for a company that no longer exists that I may or may not get paid on.....


From what I have been taught over the last 9 months, it is ok to have reasonable expectations of the people in my life.  So what happens when even those begin to fail?  Obviously, I am not going back to drinking and drugging, but...  Am I suppose to expect everything to go wrong, and when something good happens I am surpised.  It was reasonable to expect to get on that plane.  It is reasonable to expect to get paid for the work I do...  What I do know, is that people will always let you down.  Maybe that is just what I need to expect! 

So to make up for my birthday trip being abruptly canceled I am headed on a solo camping and fishing trip.  Four days of solitude and the great outdoors.  Western North Carolina does not compare to Vail, but it will do.  And for that time I dont have to worry about any one failing me but me!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Monday, August 27, 2012

   This is perfect for me today!
You are reading from the book Twenty Four Hours a Day Hardcover (24 Hours)
A.A. Thought for the Day

"We must be willing to make amends to all the people we have harmed. We must do the best we can to repair the damage done in the past. When we make amends, when we say 'I'm sorry,' the person is sure at least to be impressed by our sincere desire to set right the wrong. Sometimes people we are making amends to admit their own faults, so feuds of long standing melt away. Our most ruthless creditors will sometimes surprise us. In general, we must be willing to do the right thing, no matter what the consequences may be for us." Have I made a sincere effort to make amends to the people I have harmed.

Meditation for the Day

The grace of God cures disharmony and disorder in human relationships. Directly you put your affairs, with their confusion and their difficulties, into God's hands. He begins to effect a cure of all the disharmony and disorder. You can believe that He will cause you no more pain in the doing of it than a physician, who plans and knows that he can effect a cure, would cause his patient. You can have faith that God will do all that is necessary as painlessly as possible. But you must be willing to submit to His treatment, even if you cannot now see the meaning or purpose of it.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may willingly submit to whatever spiritual discipline is necessary. I pray that I may accept whatever it takes to live a better life.

Sunday, August 26, 2012


I just realized as I began to type these will be my first written words of my 38th year on this earth.  I cannot believe how fast this year has gone by.  It feels like just yesterday I was staring at those cops on the night of November 4th.  My life is so different and removed from where it use to be.  It truly is a miracle I am not dead or in jail.  Tonight as I reflect and put my life into these words, despite my lack of emotional sobriety, I look back on all that I have achieved this year and I am grateful.  I have been taught through out the last 9 months that when I am feeling irritable or discontent that writing down a gratitude list will put things into perspective and should relieve some of those feelings that I use to not know how to deal with without drugs and alcohol.  So here I am, sore from the gym, with a heavy heart and a head full of recovery trying to express the gratitude I have for all the blessings in my life.  I know most of this I have said before but I am going to say it again.  I am so very grateful to be sober today.  It is such an easier way to live I cannot believe it sometimes.  I never have a hangover, my bank account always has money in it and I am always safe to drive.  Because I am sober today, my family and I have begun the journey of healing.  I have a beautiful baby niece which I see several times a week.  Her smile and laugh are a quick reminder of why I changed my life.  I have a relationship with God today that I have never had.  Albeit I do not always understand his will, I do have faith that I will remain sober.  I have faith that I may not always get what I want but I will always get what I need.  Tonight I am grateful to be a productive and active member of society.  A year ago today I was submersed in a drug subculture, hiding from all the beautiful things life has to offer, such as the sunshine, exercise, and quitting smoking.  I now have a group of friends that I can really depend on for more than a buzz or for gasoline to pour on the flame.  I am so grateful for the tan that I have, the weight I have lost, and the fact I have not smoked a cigarette since July 9th.  I never thought I would be able to quit smoking.  I have been able to get back to work making great money and pay the bills that no longer loom over my head.  Tonight I will go to bed thanking God for all these amazing things instead of hoping that I wont wake up.  This is the greatest blessing of all.

Thoughts on getting older, moving on yet again, living and loving despite illness, and rock n roll sober are all coming very soon...

Saturday, August 25, 2012

A World of Hurt

Once upon a time, my advice to you would have been go out and find yourself a whore
But I guess I've grown up, because I don't give that kind of advice anymore

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

I was 27 when I figured out that blowing my brains wasn't the answer
So I decided, maybe I should find a way to make this world work out for me
And my good friend Paul was 83 when he told me; that "To love is to feel pain"
And I thought about that then and I've thought about that again and again

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

"To love is to feel pain" there ain't no way around it
The very nature of love is to grieve when it is over
The secret to a happy ending is knowing when to roll the credits
Better role them now before something else goes wrong
No, it's a wonderful world, if you can put aside the sadness
And hang on to every ounce of beauty upon you
Better take the time to know it there ain't no way around it
If you feel anything at all

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

So if what you have is working for you, or you think that it can stand a reasonable chance, and whatever's broken seems fixable and nothing's beyond repair
If you still think about each other and smile before you remember how screwed up it's gotten or maybe dream of a time less rotten
Remember, it ain't too late to take a deep breath and throw yourself into it with everything you got

It's great to be alive

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

Patterson Hood / Drive-By Truckers (In studio 11PM, June 16, 2005) © Soul Dump Music (BMI)
Pedal Steel Guitar - John Neff / Wurlitzer Electric Piano - Jason Isbell / Lead Guitar - Mike Cooley

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Me and Addie!

John Denver Quote

"Perhaps love is like a resting place, A shelter from the storm, It exists to give you comfort, It is there to keep you warm, And in those times of trouble, When you are most alone, The memory of love will bring you home" - John Denver

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Get On Back

Get On Back

How did this happen once again
Seems like I would have learned
No matter how good that it feels
that feeling's gonna turn
(seems like I would've learned)
I'm gonna put away my bow
and my quiver full of lies
But it's hard to give up hunting
when it leaves me satisfied
(but I swear it's just a lie)

  I've quit everything but lyin'
  I promise I will do that soon
  But when you look me in the eye and say you love me
  what am I supposed to do
  I gotta get on back from you

Lord you just keep on talkin'
the mindless chatter never ends
What a price to keep on payin'
to end up lonesome once again
(seems like it'll never end)

Just like the pills, weed, and the blow
you make the pain go away
But it's hard to break the habit
I guess I'll wait another day
(Lord I hope I don't end up this way)

The time of reckoning has come
We both need to face the truth
 You're sharin' your soul with me
  and I'm just takin' from you
  and you're just takin' from me
  and a taker I don't wanna be

lyrics by: Richard Gillespie Proctor, circa 2005


Man God works in funny ways! Just when I was hitting a low point of the day my mother gives me my repaired St. Christopher medal for my birthday!


Fear and Love

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
― John Lennon

Remorse, Guilt and Shame

As I start writing this one of the guys in my office says, "determination and forgiveness are the keys to success." I could not agree more.  Life is full of obstacles to overcome and mistakes to forgive. Mistakes from others and from within that are in need of forgiveness, or we will surely drink and use again.  I have learned through my program in the last nine months that I drank and used drugs to mask the pain of grudges I held on to and mistakes I have made that I could not forgive myself for. Forgiving myself for the things I have done to myself and others has been the hardest part by far.  This is a lesson that I have to continually repeat.  The people I love will make mistakes and so will I. Today it is how I decide to handle those wrong doings that will keep me serene and emotionally sober and off drugs and alcohol.  Recently I have gone through an experience with someone special to me...  It was abrupt and my feelings we hurt and I reacted poorly, leaving the aftermath of remorse, guilt and shame.  Of course to start, I should have known better.  There is a history of events that has occurred that I should have seen this coming.  Love blinds this druggie terribly.  I was optimistic and wanted to believe that things were different now. There lies the remorse.  The guilt and shame come from how I handled the situation.  I should have been smarter and played with my logic, but instead, those old emotions came out with a whole load of new ones..  Immediately I lashed out and said some horrible things.  Things I have never said to anyone that I have ever said I love you to.  The rage that came from my birthday trip being cancelled on me and being told by email sent me into a true frenzy and I lost control of my thoughts and the send button.  Sure I can rationalize my behavior having been hurt by this person before and been pushed to the brink. And that is exactly what I did at first.  Rationalized like a true alcoholic, which my sponsor was quick to point out.  Now that all those hurtful words are out and I am the bad guy, I would take them back if I could.  I cant, but I cannot let the guilt and shame drive me back to where I was nine months ago either.  This is where the forgiveness comes in.  She did what she did and I know why.  Do I like it? No.  Do I have to accept it and face the reality that the relationship is finally over? Yes!  Do I have to forgive her?  Absolutely.  I have no desire to hold on to the pain that is in my heart right now.  It will not be easy but I can only pray for her and share with God my willingness to forgive and forget.  I also have to forgive myself.  I screwed up.  I said the worst things I have ever said any person that I have truly loved and tonight I am having a hard time with it.  It has brought out a fear and anxiety in me that I have not felt in months.  So right now, immediately, if not sooner I have to give myself a break.  Even though I feel like I have failed her today, I know that is not the truth.  I have to remember feelings are not facts.  Being the alcoholic that I am, I cannot define this relationship in one moment.  I screwed up and I forgive myself.  This pain will take time to heal, but I can no longer hold grudges against my self either.  Tonight, I had the privilege of hearing my dear friend Tiffany tell her story.  It was a story of truth, experience, strength and hope... It was her truth... Which in inspires me stick to mine and share this with whomever reads it.  I am human, I make mistakes, I will hurt, I will forgive, and I will be okay.  


Friday, August 17, 2012


Prayers for Today

"This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done."
(p. 67 BB)

God help me to show this person the same tolerance, pity and patience that I would Cheerfully grant a sick friend. This is a sick person, how can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done.
(see above and p. 141 of 12&12)

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Lessons Learned

 I learned a hard lesson today! Some people lie! Period! Some people will do what ever they can to feel good about themselves and not care about the wake of destruction they leave behind them! This program does not work for everyone!  Dry drunk is a direct result of not being brutally honest! Yet I have to take responsibility for my own actions and realize that  some people will never change!