Spirituality

I have been a drug addict and an alcoholic for most of my adult life if not all of it.  Because of this I turned my back on God and the whole concept of a higher power.  I would even go as far as belittling people for their faith.  When I think about how I would do that to people, especially people I loved, I feel so ashamed.  I was even doing this in sobriety up until a few months ago when I actually heard the words coming out of my mouth in a conversation with a coworker who has great faith.  Who the fuck am I to challenge anyone's personal beliefs in God?  What a freaking ego I have sometimes.  Over the last fifteen months I have made the decision to believe in a power greater than my self.  Its not that I did not believe, but I did not believe that higher power wanted anything to do with me.  When in reality he was there all along keeping me right on the edge, showing me what it would look like if I jumped. Over the last few months I have been very willing and open minded.  I have been working on my prayer and meditation, albeit there is much room for improvement. Things in my life have steadily improved over the last year with some high peaks and some low valleys, until today I have finally reached a super sweet medium.  The other night I was sitting in a meeting and all of a sudden I felt an overwhelming sense of warmth, comfort, and safety.  Which was a little weird since I was in a detox center.  But I realized that warmth I was feeling was the faith that I had wanted and searched for my whole life.  At that very moment, I knew, truly, that everything was going to be okay.  I have finally found a God that is sufficient to all my needs, as my friend Mike would say.  My prayers are simple today.  They consist of things like God help me today or God give her everything she wants and needs.  I keep it simple and ask only to know his will and support. I make sure there are always words for someone ease's needs.  I was taught selfish prayers go unheard.  I ask to know his will because I do not know it in detail, but I do know that I am suppose to stay sober and help others.  Everything else will be revealed in his time not mine.  I no longer ask when or why.  Those questions have no realistic answers for my life today.  I do owe a huge bit of gratitude and thanks to my sponsor who laid out the bread crumbs for me to follow.  I surely could not have found this peace with out him.  Last night I was discussing having lived two lives with my friends.  My life without God is over. And I am only an infant in this new life with God, and that is amazing, because it is better that I could have ever dreamed.  The future is so bright!!!!!

Promises

      "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.  Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."

The reading above are the 9th step promises from my 12 step program.  It is quite amazing how words written so long ago about being and staying sober still hold true today.  What is even more amazing is that they are true in my life.  Over the last 15 months I have worked very very hard to change my life.  Getting sober and staying sober was just a very small part of the changes I wanted to make.  I wanted to become more honest.  I was so tired of living from one crisis to another as well as paycheck to paycheck.  I wanted to be less selfish and more rational.  When I think about those last few days of my using, the shit that would go through my head was clearly insane.  So were my actions.  Repeating the same mistakes over and over expecting a different result.  My decision making was completely skewed by complete and utter insanity.  I could not keep money around and I never paid my bills.   I trusted the untrustworthy, I never slept, I never ate, and I never saw the sun.  It was obvious I was not living but slowly dying and it was showing in my failing health.  This was the shape I was in when I decided I had had enough.  I can remember going to meetings early on full of anger and despair and hearing these promises.  What always stuck out for me was the last line.  “They will always materialize if we work for them.”  Something some where deep inside me believed this to be true.  Now I have worked hard in my life, but never have I worked as hard as I have for these promises.  I have shared in meetings, talked to my sponsor, worked my steps, done my service work and prayed a lot.  I have cried a thousand tears and shared my deepest, darkest secrets.  Today I have found a new freedom, well for the most part.  I have found a happiness that I have never known.  I absolutely do not regret my past and keep it close for safety.  I do comprehend the word serenity and I am finally at peace.  I share my experience with others and I am not useless by any means.  I am working on my self seeking, and I am far less selfish today than I have been in my entire life.  My attitude and outlook on life have completely changed for the better.  I fear no man and do not ever worry about money.  And slowly I am learning how to handle situations that use to baffle me.  Most of all, I have realized that God did for me what I never could do for my self, and that was make me sain, which I do not think I have ever been in my life.  Today I don’t have everything I want, but I do have everything I need and that is wonderful.  I live life on an even keel.  A happy medium if you will.  Not too high and not too low.  Just perfect.  So, with all this being said, I think I will continue on this path of enlightenment that I have found.  The life I want will materialize if I work for it!

Death

Tonight I had the pleasure of reality reminding me who and what I am.  There was a young kid in my meeting tonight that shared about a friend of his that was in a 12 step program that got high, over dosed, and died.  This is exactly what I needed to hear tonight.  For those of you that are not like me that read this, that statement might sound cold.  But it is my reality. I am sorry for this person, his family and friends.  For me though, I need to be reminded that my disease is terminal and it wants me dead.  I need to remember that every day.  I try to keep that fresh in my head.  It is one of the ways that I have overcome the mental obsession to drink and use.  Last November, I saw the writing on the wall and new that if I did not change I was a dead man.  I knew of 5 people that had died the last year I was in Denver but wanted to pretend that would never happen to me.  Well folks, drugs and alcohol do kill people every day and I am not going to be one of them.  So tonight I shared about how I can remember every face of the people that I have seen overdose.  I can remember how I felt when I thought I was going to fall out from snorting too much cocaine.  And those memories scare the crap out of me.  I don't want to be that guy who ruins his family by dying from an over dose.  I do not want my sister to have to explain to my niece that her uncle was a selfish dumb ass and killed himself just to catch a buzz.  Fuck that!  My life does not have to end that way.  As long as I do what is suggested I will be ok.  I am a grateful recovering drug addict and alcoholic and today I am alive and happy.  I dug my hole deep enough and have hit my bottom.  I do not have to be a statistic!

Why Am I Still Alive?

I have been having this conversation with a great friend of mine about the fact that we are still alive after all the crazy fucked up shit we did when we were using and drinking.  We both agree on the fact that God saved our lives to help other drug addicts and alcoholics that still struggle and to carry the message of sobriety.  Being of service to others is a very big part of my life today and it definitely helps me stay sober.  Which is a big reason for the subject matter that I write about.  I am constantly getting emails and messages about how my writing about my experiences is helping someone some where.  Well needless to say the last two days have been very interesting in regards to being of service to others.  Last night I was at a meeting down in the big city and the topic was on God, which meetings are often on.  While people were sharing I was thinking about why I am still alive and how my purpose on Earth now is to be of maximum service.  As these thoughts were running through my head my phone went off.  It was a text from a woman I had met and partied with one night in Denver, maybe three years ago now.  She had reached out to me a few months ago and shared about her own struggles and that she too had moved away from Denver to get away from the blow.  Last night she said in her text that a friend of hers in Denver had overdosed and died yesterday and that she was happy that I was there for her and willing to listen and that she read every one of my blog posts.  Wow, I was blown away.  First, it was a reminder that this disease will kill me and two that I was reaching someone that I knew.  After all, this writing that I do helps me stay sober more than folks know.  Her message just proved that I am doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing.  Sharing my experience, strength, and hope with the world.  And more than anything it was God telling me what I needed to hear right at that very moment.  And what I heard was, yes, Erin, I saved your life so you can help people now get to it.  So tonight I went with a group of folks to take a meeting into a detox facility.  Let me tell you, that was great for me tonight.  I sat quietly and watched and listened.  It was a great reminder for me.  These people were messed up and it was obvious.  They could not hide it. The guilt, shame, and remorse was thick in the air and all over their faces.  It was a great reminder of the road I was on and where I was headed.  I even had the chance to talk with a guy after the meeting about his struggles and hopefully what I shared with him shed some light on his situation.  After that I went directly to another meeting and was able to share about my experiences over the last two days.  This was exactly what I needed to keep my ass on this journey and sober.  I can only keep what I have by giving it away.

God Bless and Good Night!

Liar

LIAR

Liar

Liar

The truth you like to bend

Liar

Liar

I don’t accept your amends

Liar

Liar

As you jump from bed to bed

Liar

Liar

I remember all the things you said

Liar

Liar

Do you remember why you are not dead?

The Time was Wrong

Tonight, I am sitting here at my desk listening to music  like I do on most nights.  I have been doing a little on line shopping, reading and web surfing.  A few minutes ago Dire Strait's Romeo and Juliet shuffled into the mix.  For those of you that dont know, this might be one of the best love songs ever written.  Obviously it is a play on Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.  While I sit hear listening to the song over and over thinking about so much that I have been wanting to put into words.  I guess it is time for me to expose a little bit more of my underbelly and get it all out...  It is time for me to put into words about my broken heart.  It is funny how often I think about how easy it is usually for me to immediately forget about people that have wronged or hurt me.  Typically there is only one shot with me.  Screw me once and we are done for good.  Unfortunately, my feelings for that woman were something beyond anything I have ever felt.  My therapist might not approve of me writing this but oh well.  .  In October of 2010 I thought for sure I had met the one.  Now looking back on it, we were perfect for each other in every aspect except for one thing.  She did not love me back.  I fought hard, including getting sober, to prove how much I loved her and what I was willing to do to make it work.  But in the end, like she said in her last email, "I never loved you."  Those are hard words to hear after she had said"I love you" hundred times over, along with many other things that would have made me think other wise.  It has now been almost 6 months since we last spoke, not including the two emails she sent.  One to end it, and the one to tell me that she never loved me and that she never wanted to see me again.  I really thought after we reconnected this summer, we were finally on our way.  I guess not.  Today, I think about her less and less, but still every day.  I have accepted that we will never speak or see each other again.  I can pretend that I am a big tough guy and say that after all this time it does not hurt any more but that would be a lie.  I guess the part that really hurts the worst is knowing the people that never really gave  a shit about how far she had fallen are still in her life but I am not.  She probably has denied most of this and would never admit to any one else that I was the one there that kept her from losing everything. I know the truth and that is all that matters.  I have finally decided that I am going to leave women alone for a long time.  No need in getting mixed up with anyone else until my heart has had time to heal.  And as much as I would like for this healing process to be a quick one, it is not.  I am going to use this time to focus on myself.  I have so much to accomplish in the next few years.  Hopefully the right person will come along and they will be able to love me back.  In the mean time, I love the person that I have become, whether you do or not! As, I listen to the sweet sound of Mark Knopfler's dobro, this is line that bites to the bone, "How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals".

Romeo and Juliet

Songwriters: KNOPFLER, MARK

A lovestruck Romeo sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
Finds a streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it?

Juliet says hey it's Romeo, you nearly gimme me a heart attack
He's underneath the window she's singing hey la my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here singing up at people like that
Anyway what you gonna do about it?

Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heart
And I forget I forget the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

Come up on different streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

When you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything you promised me thick and thin yeah
Now you just say oh Romeo yeah you know I used to have a scene with him

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die
And there's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

I can't do the talk like they talk on tv
And I can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat, the bad company
And all I do is kiss you through the bars of Orion
Juliet I'd do the stars with you any time

Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above and I'll love you till I die
There's a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?

A lovestruck Romeo sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it?
You and me babe, how about it?

Getting in Where I Fit In

“When I stepped out into the bright sunlight, from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home...”  This is the opening line to my favorite book as a teen.  S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders was definitely my coming of age book.  Tonight, I have two things on my mind.  Pain and not fitting in. I felt like a quote from The Outsiders would be a perfect way to start this entry since the book is about being on the outside and not fitting in. Over the last few months I have been hearing other people in 12 step programs share about how they never felt like they fit in and some still have that feeling today.  Tonight I was given the opportunity to hear a story from a man who had those feelings of being an outsider.  I related so well to his feelings, wanting so bad to fit in and to feel normal.  I too, can remember being a very young boy and knowing that there was something different about me.  I was never comfortable in my own skin.  Once I hit my stride in early 2000 with the Widespread Panic party crowd I finally felt like I belonged.  I could consume as much of anything you could put in front of me and still walk in a straight line.  I felt so comfortable submersed deep in a drug subculture and surrounded myself with people just like me.  Only to find out eleven years later that I still hated myself and as I looked at that cop on November 4th 2011 I was so confused.  How did I get here? How had I fallen so far?  At the time, I was out of work, out of money, and was being escorted out of my blacked out girlfriends apartment.  Where had everything gone wrong? Tonight, after hearing the speaker talk about not fitting in, I thought about it.  I always felt that way.  Drugs and alcohol gave me a common bond with others.  And the really scary part about it is that I was good at it.  I could fucking party.  So it makes sense that the more shit I could get my hands on the more I was liked and the better that made me feel.  At the time I might have known it was a false sense of security who knows.  What I do know now is that I have finally found a place where I do feel like I fit in, even on days where I hate myself.  Those are few and far between now but they still happen.  Now, I surround myself with people that know exactly where I have been and have had the same feelings I do.  And they ALL turned to the bottle or the bag to get themselves through.  Now I spend my days knowing that I DO fit in with these people.  We all have one common goal.  STAY SOBER.  Sure there is more to it that just staying sober, but ultimately that is the main goal.  The people I speak with and see on a regular basis have all hit a bottom and are willing to do what ever it takes never to be in that place again.  Some one shared tonight when they picked up their 5 year chip that they were proud today to be an alcoholic.  This is something my father will never understand and that is ok.  But being a drug addict and alcoholic has brought me to a place where peace and serenity exist, so I too am proud of what I am.  I am at peace and I finally fit in.

Grateful

Just a quick gratitude entry here before I go to bed.  Heard a woman share tonight about a friend relapsing after eight years. As much as I hate hearing this about someone, I need to hear it.  I need to remember how bad that last drunk was for me.  So tonight I am so grateful for my sobriety tonight.  I am very grateful for twelve step programs  that are there to help me and others like me.  I will surely die if I do not remain sober.  I am also grateful for the friends and support I have met in the rooms.  I am grateful for my health and my wonderful family.  I am grateful for the opportunity to go back to school and finish my degree.  I am grateful for a new friend that helped point me in the direction of where I want to move my life to next.  I am grateful for her love of music... I am grateful for little Addie who brings me so much joy every day.  She makes me thank God for the life that I have.  I am so blessed to have that little nugget in my life.  I am so grateful for the friends that have stuck beside me and that did not judge me or abandon me while I changed my life.  I am grateful to have finally found a higher power of my understanding that watches over me and that helped me when I could not help myself.  I am grateful for all of you that have made this blog a huge success.  I am grateful for my life and how amazing it is! 

Oh and one more thing, I am grateful for Rock n Roll.  Go See Live Music!

I Give Zero Fucks

I know there are some people in the world that believe that there are certain words in the English language that are considered bad.  It is said at the beginning of several meetings that I go to, that while sharing please refrain from foul language because it might offend some people. This to me is really odd if one is to think about all the shit that we have done and seen in active addiction.  Well if you one of those people I would stop reading right now.  Why? First of all if you are easily offended you should probably not read ANY more of my writing.  Second, I am going to use the word fuck a lot in this entry.  Third, I really don't give a fuck.

So lets start with the word fuck.  And yes there is a point to all my fucking tonight.  I am a person that is very fond of the English language.  I believe that the spoken word, my own and others, make the best stories.  Sure I can read a book, or watch a movie, but there is just something about a story that is being told that is amazing to me.  Inflection, improvisation, and body language tell us way more than a book or movie ever could.  I think this might be why I am such a fan of music with lyrics.  To me there is just something magical about it.  With that being said, I truly believe that the word fuck might be the most useful word in the English language. It has so much more meaning than for unlawful carnal knowledge.  Sure, I could pull out my thesaurus right now and spend time searching for a word that MIGHT have as much weight or MAYBE convey the feelings or emotions I want.  But, when I really think about it, sometimes those other words just do not do the trick.  I might come across as uneducated, uncouth, or ignorant...  But, guess what?  Yep, you are right.  I don't give a fuck!  Any word that can be used as a verb, noun, adjective and adverb is superb to me.  This brings me to my next point, giving zero fucks.

Something I have been thinking about the last few days is how content I am and how little I seem to care about anything.  Now this might seem as apathetic to someone that is not a drug addict or an alcoholic.  For me this is becoming a life saver.  For so many years I was constantly thinking about this and worrying about that.  At the beginning the booze and drugs worked and quieted my brain.  After about a decade of abuse, they could no longer keep my mind quiet.  In fact they did just the opposite.  All that shit I was trying to quiet inside my head was now screaming louder than ever.  What I had, what I didn't have, he said she said, anything and every fucking thing a person could think about, I was thinking about and it was making me crazy.  Literally.  I think the Violent Femmes said it best in their song "The Country Death Song."

      "Well, I'm a thinkin' and thinkin', till there's nothin' I ain't thunk.
       Breathing in the stink, till finally I stunk.
       It was at that time, I swear I lost my mind."

This is where I was at the end.  Fueled by Cocaine and Whiskey, my brain obsessed over everything.  Especially the painful stuff.  Now, with a little over 15 months sober, I have started to notice that the obsessive thinking has dissipated. All that worry and obsessing was killing me. I would worry about everything.  It is no wonder one of my favorite songs is "Worry".  Over the past week or so I have realized that all this FUCKING BULLSHIT I use to carry around in my brain just really does not matter any more, and man it feels great.  It is a feeling of peace when I realize my brain has been quiet for an hour or two with out one single conscience thought.  As I write this I am almost overwhelmed with the relief that brings.  One of many promises sobriety has fulfilled.  Tonight, I GIVE ZERO FUCKS!

In closing I have to admit that I completely stole the I Give Zero Fucks saying from my friend Brian.  Thanks for the inspiration buddy!

It's Great to be Alive

If I had to make any statements about my weekend, I think It's Great to be Alive would describe how I felt the entire weekend.  Although it was bitter sweet and full of emotions both high and low, I would not trade it for anything.  The best part about it was the fact that going into the weekend I had no idea how it was going to go.  When I first moved to Denver, I spent a lot of time going out by myself.  Now back in Atlanta, I have come to the realization that in order to do the things I want to do, I will probably have to do them alone.  Well, at least that is what I was thinking on Friday. Here is how things ended up.

As I drove to Athens with the window down and the music loud with the cold air and warm sunshine hitting my face, my mind was racing.  I had two nights of the Drive by Truckers ahead of me.  I had a hotel room and the plan was to meet up with a new sober friend.   She and I have been facebook friends for a while and actually met in Charlotte on NYE.  I was venturing into completely new territory.  First I was headed into a very risky weekend in a city where all of my addictions met each other years ago.  I was without any of my support network, and to top it off I was going to hang out with this person that I had just met.  Needless to say the fear or excitement or what ever it was crept into my very dysfunctional brain and the next thing I know I am thinking about fat lines of Cocaine, ice cold whiskey, and LSD.  Which was my typical concert cocktail.   Now, I have had these thoughts before but not like this.  Usually it is a fleeting thought and is gone before I even realize what I was really was thinking about.  After a while of playing the tape through, and realizing that I would just end up scaring the shit out of my new friend in that state of mind as well as end up in jail or worse I came up a much safer plan.  I have really been wanting to get tattooed lately and I mean heavily.  My old friend Craig, who is no longer with us, use to love getting work done at Pain and Wonder.  Which is right next to the 40 Watt.  How appropriate would it be for these guys to tattoo me right next door to where I would be seeing my favorite band?  But, what would I get?  Immediately I realized how much I had been thinking about Cocaine and decided that the symbol for one of my 12 step groups would work.  Then every time from this weekend on I would have a permanent reminder of what I am suppose to be doing instead of what might feel good.  Unfortunately Pain and Wonder was all booked up till Tuesday, but I still managed to get the tattoo done.  It has been a while since I have gotten work done and I forgot how much that shit hurts....  But I still love it!

I was a little apprehensive about the weekend with my new friend but, from what I new about her, I told myself everything would be OK.  I have my reminder, I have my phone, and if I really get tempted or uncomfortable I will just leave.  More times than not, my expectations or fears or what ever you want to call it were way off.  There was absolutely no reason for apprehension.  My new friend who I will call "FISH" for now ended up being a perfect running mate for the weekend.  Smart, funny, weird, and a rock n roll lover, who could ask for more.  Saturday, we went to the DBT fundraiser for Nuci's Space with her boyfriend, which was really cool.  He is one of us and is also a member of one of my most recent favorite bands.  We talked about music and recovery, and I was very amazed with his openness with a stranger.  Needless to say it was a really great evening.  In that moment I had an epiphany.  I have known for a while that Kennesaw, Ga was not were I wanted to live and that it probably was not the best place for me to pursue a writing career.  Lets face it, it is not the thriving metropolis of art and free thinking.  Actually it is the complete opposite and I do not fit here at all.  The funny part about all this is that my mom asked me Friday before I left what my plans were, as far as where I wanted to live once that time came.  It was something that had really been causing a good bit of internal strife.  I knew for obvious reasons that Colorado was no longer an option, but the thought of spending any money on a place in Cobb County or Fulton made me sick to my stomach. But, now that little Addie is here the thought of moving out of state was no longer on the table.  What was I going to do?  In that moment talking about staying sober and seeing rock n roll on the patio of Nuci's Space in Athens, I realized that was exactly where I was suppose to be.  This is a place full of art, weirdness, acceptance, rock n roll and a great recovery scene.  So now the weight of where I will be headed next, is gone.  I just need to figure out how and when.  We will see what happens this next year in school and go from there.

Now, this is the part of the story where things get a little sad.  Some time Thursday night longtime friend, and road manager of the Truckers, and long time 40 Watt employee, Craig Lieske, past away.  I did not know him but from everything I witnessed this weekend he was truly loved.  Friday, during the show, it was obvious that the band was hurting.  From where I was standing I could see the folks in the front row up against the stage crying and singing at the same time.  It touched a place in my heart.  I felt so bad for them.  I thought about how I would feel in their shoes.  I was amazed at the bands commitment and the show went on.  I guess that is why its called rock n roll.  I am guessing that since Craig was a rock musician this is what he would have wanted.  It was quite moving and now I completely understood why I love this band and their music the way I do.  It is the perseverance out of struggle that get can relate to.  I have always been good at getting back on the horse after I have fallen off it.  Despite the feelings off loss in the air the entire weekend, it was a like a warm hug from an old friend.  Sad, yet full of hope and promise of the future...  Maybe it was Craig looking down on all of us in that venue, watching us rock!

 With it being Martin Luther King Jr's birthday today, I absolutely must share one of if not the coolest experience of the weekend.  On Friday night there was this guy standing behind me yelling and dancing that brought a big smile to my face.  He was very excited and reminded me of an old friend.  As the band started to play the third song, "The Three Great Alabama Icons" he started yelling wildly that he had played this song for his class earlier that day.  Come to find out he was a teacher at a local high school.  I want to say a lit teacher, but I really cannot remember.  For those of you that are not familiar with this song, it is ultimately a song about Alabama, during the years of George Wallace.  The self proclaimed segregationist and on and off Governor of Alabama from 1963 to 1987.  The song finishes with George Wallace ending up in hell with the Devil being a southerner.  The song portrays Wallace for what he was, an opportunist willing trample on the backs of others to get where he wanted to go.  After the show I introduced my self the guy standing behind me who turned out to be a friend of my new buddy "Fish".  We talked about the reactions of his students from hearing the song, which were mostly black.  He said they loved it.  We went on to talk about my writing and other things.  It really was great to meet a teacher stepping out of bounds to make sure his kids learned.  I dont ever remember learning about George Wallace in High School.

To sum everything up, it is great to be alive.  This turned out to be the best weekend I have had in a really long time.  I gained a new friend, which I desperately needed.  I spent some time with some great musicians, went to a fantastic meeting, decided where I will live next and saw one of my favorite bands live two nights in a row.  The best part about this is I managed to do all this with out drugs and alcohol.  What a blessing!  I guess the tattoo worked.  I will go to any length to stay sober, but I will never quit seeing rock n roll!

Rest in Peace Craig Lieske!

A World of Hurt

Once upon a time, my advice to you would have been go out and find yourself a whore
But I guess I've grown up, because I don't give that kind of advice anymore

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

I was 27 when I figured out that blowing my brains wasn't the answer
So I decided, maybe I should find a way to make this world work out for me
And my good friend Paul was 83 when he told me; that "To love is to feel pain"
And I thought about that then and I've thought about that again and again

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

"To love is to feel pain" there ain't no way around it
The very nature of love is to grieve when it is over
The secret to a happy ending is knowing when to roll the credits
Better role them now before something else goes wrong
No, it's a wonderful world, if you can put aside the sadness
And hang on to every ounce of beauty upon you
Better take the time to know it there ain't no way around it
If you feel anything at all

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

So if what you have is working for you, or you think that it can stand a reasonable chance, and whatever's broken seems fixable and nothing's beyond repair
If you still think about each other and smile before you remember how screwed up it's gotten or maybe dream of a time less rotten
Remember, it ain't too late to take a deep breath and throw yourself into it with everything you got

It's great to be alive

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

Patterson Hood / Drive-By Truckers (In studio 11PM, June 16, 2005) © Soul Dump Music (BMI)
Pedal Steel Guitar - John Neff / Wurlitzer Electric Piano - Jason Isbell / Lead Guitar - Mike Cooley

Gone for Good

Gone For Good 

by Morphine

 I'm never going back never going back to you
I'm never going to see you again
I'm never going to dig out your picture
I'm never going to look you up someday
Life is very short
You don't love me anymore
So I'm never going to see you again
I'm never going to write you a letter
Never going to call you on the phone
I'm never going to drive by your house
I'm never going to catch you coming outside
Never going to walk up your walk
And ring your bell
And feel you fall into my arms
I'm never going to see you
I'm never going to see you
I'm never going to see you again
You're gone for good

Growing Pains

These days I am really trying to pay attention in my meetings to what is being said in stead of waiting to talk.  I pay very close attention to those with long time sobriety that have all the things in life that I want.  I also try to listen close to those that are just coming in or have relapsed recently.  I want to keep close that reminder of what it is like out there in the world of drugs and alcohol.  I heard a woman share tonight about how hard it is to discuss with her husband about her bottom.  This triggered a good bit of introspection for me tonight.  I have to remember that night vividly.  I need to remember what I saw in the mirror in that apartment right before the cops walked in.  I HAVE to remember how insane the entire world felt at that moment.  As painful of a memory as it is, it is much less painful as an old memory than it would be to be in that situation again.  And for me that includes two types of sobriety.  There is the sobriety from drugs and alcohol and a sobriety from women that are bad for me.  Neither is a place I ever want to venture into again.  So tonight I keep that fear close.  I have dodged a few bullets here in the last few months with women and it has made me realize that I have to be more aware.  I need to be aware of how sick the people are I am spending time with as well as myself.  I can spend my time helping those that are as sick or sicker than I, but as far as companions go, I need to be very cautious.  Tonight I shared about learning to be calm and at peace with being alone and in my own skin. Everyday I am getting better at this, but like I heard tonight, in that alone time comes the pain too.  And until tonight I saw that pain as the past having a foot hold on me currently.  But as the woman shared tonight, learning that in that alone time to be ok with that pain is evidence of growth.  In order for growth to occur there will be some pain.  Learning from mistakes of the past is never easy or pain less.  Hearing this woman share this tonight brought in that warmth that I use to get from the straw.  A sense of self knowledge if you will.  It is a great feeling to understand that I am moving forward in so many different ways.  It is a peace I have never known.

Tonight I will close with a few words with God.  God, please help me.  Help me to stay sober another 24 hours.  Help me to stay on the path of forgiveness, love, and tolerance.  Please help me help those that so desperately need it.  Thank you for all the blessings you have given me.

Letter to God

Dear God,

How are you?  I am well thanks to you.  I am alive, thriving, and holding the course.  I figured since I have been struggling with my prayer and meditation that I would use my writing as a way of communicating with you.  I am hoping that if I incorporate my prayers into my writing I can get back to that place where I was at the beginning of last summer where we were talking everyday. In those hot Georgia mornings I felt so connected to you, those moments were so powerful I could not help but cry.  Today I have more faith in you than ever, but I feel as though the communication is lacking on my end.  It never fails on your end.  Tonight, I heard a gentleman share about how his ability to forgive at this point in his sobriety was a miracle.  Earlier today I prayed for you to help me with ability to forgive and you spoke through him tonight.  You allowed me to listen tonight and like many nights in my meetings, I heard exactly what I needed to.  So, tonight here are my prayers.  Please, God, help me.   Help me to continue on this path.  Help me to continue to stay sober.  Help me to continue to grow in your light and to understand your will for me.  Help me to continue to learn to love myself and know what I am worth in your eyes.  Help me to continue to be selfless and always put others needs ahead of my own.  Please help me to carry this message of sobriety and hope to the addict and alcoholic that still suffers.  Please show me where I can be of service to my fellow man in all aspects of my life.  Please help me to ask why less and how more.  Please help me to love more and hate less.  Help me be a better man.  Thank you for all that you have given me.  Thank you for the chance to live again.  Thank you for my wonderful family.  Thank you for the fantastic friends new and old in my life.  Thank you for taking away the fear and the worry that haunted me for so long.  Thank you God for saving my life.

Me

Enough?

I heard exactly what I needed to hear tonight.  This is a statement I have heard quite a bit over the last 14 months of going to 12 step recovery meetings.  Tonight's meeting was on willingness.  The willingness to change.  The willingness to get sober.  The willingness to stay sober.  The willingness to believe in a power greater than myself. The willingness to put in the work to change my life.  There is a saying amongst 12 steppers and that is “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain steps.”  I listened really hard in that meeting tonight.  I thought about my own willingness.  I thought about how I felt last November coming into these rooms so broken and beat down.  I was finally willing to go to any length to get my life on track.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  When I look back on those first few days after arriving back in Atlanta, I think about how willing I was to change my life so I would not end up a dead cliche.  

Tonight I was willing to listen.  Those of you that know me know that I am a talker and I share at almost every meeting I go to.  One thing that is suggested in my program of recovery is to get outside of myself and go to new meetings.  The point is to get out of my comfort zone and possibly hear some new solutions.  Tonight I attended one of those new meetings.  A new meeting down in the city and away from the comforts of upper middle class suburb recovery.  When I attend new meetings I tell myself to listen more and save the sharing for another time.  I try a little harder to focus on what is being said.  After all these people are just like me and a lot of them do have what I want so if I keep my mouth shut I might get a little piece of knowledge to get me to the next step of becoming a better man.  Tonight the listening paid off and I heard the complete reason for why I am a drug addict and an alcoholic...  Enough.  This has always been my biggest problem.  Starting in my youth, I was never cool  enough.  And from there the race was on.  I would struggle with the concept of enough from the age of 12 until....  Well shit it is still something I struggle with today. I am going to be honest about the enough's in my life that brought me 20 plus years of pain.  I was not cool enough, my hair wasn't short enough, my grades were not good enough, I was not fast enough, I was not tough enough.  Soon these things changed to I didn't work hard enough, I was not smart enough, I have never have enough money.  Eventually I was not good enough looking, I was not skinny enough, I never had enough coke, my car was not nice enough, I am not tall enough, I don't work out enough and the list goes on and on.  The bottom line is I did not have enough and I was not worth enough.  Whether for myself or for others.  Now that I have a little bit of sober time under my belt, I don't particularly care if what I am or what I have is or is not enough for anyone else.  Today, what I have and what I am is just enough for me.  This is something I have to remind myself of every day.  Most of all as I near bedtime is that being sober TODAY was ENOUGH for me TODAY.  Another 24 hours with out a drink or a drug is a very successful day for me.  Anything else that I accomplished today were all blessings from my sobriety being ENOUGH!

Forgiveness and Validation from Within

Well, here I am at the end of my day and I am so glad it is over.  Today was an unusually rough day and I definitely made a mistake today.  Last night I could not sleep, and slept with a nicotine patch on which led to some dreams I could have done without.  Needless to say when I woke up this morning my mind was in a place it had not been in months.  One thing led to another and I did something I now regret terribly.  Dont worry I did not drink or get high.  But it was definately something I should not have done.  Anyways, shortly after that I went to do a fifth step with my sponsee.  I told him to make him feel more comfortable I had some fourth step work I needed to do and I would share that with him.  The work I did in that fourth step was directly related to the mistake I made today.  After all this was said and done, I realized some new character defects that I need to work on.  Forgiveness and self validation. 

Forgiveness is something that I have known for a while that I truly struggle with.  But it was not until today that I figured out how much bullshit I hold on to because of this.  I shared with a fellow alcoholic today that I am just not ready to forgive certain people for their actions.  As childish and petty as this sounds, it is the truth.  I want to but I cannot.  She went on to tell me that in the act of forgiveness we are letting ourselves off the hook.  Then the pain we hold on to has no more power.  It is our way of letting go.  Letting go of all that bad shit that is completely unnecessary.  Tonight I am listening to Ryan Bingham.  In his song Flower Bomb he says "Relieve the pain so the good can grow."  Tonight I want to give in and relieve all that pain.  Tonight I want to cry like a child and be done with it for good.  But for some reason the tears wont come.  So instead I will pray.  I will pray for them.  I will pray that God will help me learn how to be more forgiving.  So that my heart will have room for love again.

Today, I aslo relized how much I look for validation from outside sources to prove my man hood.  It is really weird, despite all my good traits, I still need that outside source to reaffirm what I already know.  It is almost as if all those things that I do believe define what a man should be are not good enough for me anymore.  I have no idea how I got to this point or if I do or do not believe that.  What I do know is that I am sick and tired of not finding that validation from god or myself.  SO, this will be another thing to add to the list to pray about and to focus on changing.  It is really not an apealing vision of ones self at all.  So I will put into action the things I have learned to do to make the changes I want.

I will close this entry with something positive.  Tomorrow the paper work goes out so I can take 12 step meetings into the jails.  Also, I am going to a recovery center for men and am going to talk to the director about the volunteer positions they have available.  Then I start guitar lessons on Sunday, which I am really excited about.  After that I have two nights of the Drive by Truckers in the beautiful city of Athens, Ga.  Hopefully I will also be recieving my acceptance letter to school this week.  All great things to come!  Thank God!

Flower Bomb

Songwriters: BINGHAM, RYAN

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

In this world, we have gone
Out on our own, all alone in stone
Looking for time that passes us by
You tired and old you may get left behind
In this world we hope to see
Invisible signs of our democracy so
Maybe somehow we all can say
That it's worth the blood that we leave on the stage

For in this world we make a stand
For suffering minds of unknown lands
But the water balloon are 2 left feet
Can never rise above our political heat
For in this world we voice and
It's lout as hell if we have the choice
Don't consume them best to fill your lives
Then we feed our kids what we leave behind
In this world we have to shake and
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/ryan-bingham-flower-bomb-lyrics.html ]
Man the hand that button breaks
If we hesitate we not forget
About the hard ticks written for last month's rent, mhm
How in the hell can we progress
If we're all out of work hooked on pills for stress
They tell us, up in heaven there is food for eat
But for now all we get is this shit on the street
For in this world we just can't trust
And food stamps filling our bellies up
Homeless kids on forgotten roads
Let's hope they can bear when the winter cold cause
The spark within the youngest eye
Can slowly fade with the whisper cry
So lend your heart and all you know
And relieve the pain so the good can grow
Relieve the pain so the good can grow.

Service Work

On Thursday night I had the opportunity to hear Judy P. tell her story at my home group.  She had an amazing story and 40 years sober.  There was how ever one part of her story that really hit home with me.  She shared about the service work she did.  She shared about letting the drunks in her home to get a hot meal, clean clothes, and a warm bed, so they could feel human again.  She also shared about her service to her community.  I was so impressed with her ideas about getting back into society by doing volunteer work that was outside of the recovery realm.  It just reinforced why I got out of the corporate world and went to work for my self.  I want to throw myself into the deep end of my recovery service work as well as other community work.  Where can I be of maximum service?  This is a question I need to be asking my self every day.  So now that my schedule is more flexible I will be working with a group of guys that take a meeting into the jails every Monday.  I am also currently looking to do some volunteer work with a literacy program.  I was thinking the other day how hard it would be to recovery from drugs and alcohol if you could not read or write.  Heck how hard would anything be for those in society that have fallen through the cracks.  So I think these are two places where I can be of most service, to the alcoholic and addict that still suffers, and to my community.  I know we live in a society that today has gotten away from the "it takes a village" concept.  But I am a firm believer when our fellow man struggles and suffers it affects all of us.  I live a blessed, privileged life.  I can only keep that status by giving it away.  As a matter of fact tomorrow I am working the Sober Panic Fans table at the New Years Eve Widespread Panic show.  Who says you cannot do service work and have a shit ton of fun at the same time!

Where can you be of most service?

Happy New Year, God Bless, and WMFP!

Laws of Attraction

I can remember partying after the 2010 New Years Eve Widespread Panic show with a girl and another couple, at some point during the night a friend of the two girls calls, and they put the call on speaker phone and she proceeds to tell the room about the most recent episode of cheating on her boyfriend.  Despite my high level of intoxication, I was amazed at how "acceptable" this was to the three people I was with.  Of course this should have been a blazing warning sign for me at the time. Needless to say, both the women in the room that night went on to be cheaters them selves.  Birds of a feather I guess.  Anyways, my point in bringing this up is what on earth did I put out into the world that attracted people that found infidelity acceptable behavior, much less funny.  Even though I was well into my addiction at the time, I was at a point in my life where this was not acceptable behavior to me.  I had been a one woman man for years by this point and would not condone this behavior from anyone in my life.  So now I have to wonder how someone with the moral code like mine would have attracted such people.  Who knows, maybe it was the drugs, booze, and everything else that allowed that type of woman into my life.

Now that I have put together a few 24 hours of sobriety and have completely changed my life, I have to wonder what it is about me that is still attracting the strangest of the strange.  I would like to think, and the people that know me best would agree, that I am a kind, gentle, caring, affectionate, honest person.  So how on earth is it that even in sobriety I am still attracting the complete opposite.  The liars, the cheaters, the disrespectful?  I had an experience a month or so ago with a woman that showed complete interest, yet finally admitted that was not her intentions at all, and she even went as far to apologize to me for having preyed on me for my attention.  WTF, where do these people come from?  The most recent attempt at dating resulted in an I miss you text on Christmas Eve, quickly evolving into completely disappearing all together over the next three days.  My sponsor tells me it is ok to have reasonable expectations of people.  Simple things like returning phone calls, showing up, and basic honesty...  Things that normal people do in their relationships.  I don't want to get to a point where I cannot expect these things out of people, and only expect the bad.  This is not something I want for my life, but experience does tend to mold us as human beings.  It is also hard for me not to compare my self to other people.  If I had a dollar for every dip shit, asshole, dickhead I know that I would not let into my home that has an amazing girlfriend, wife, and family, I would be a rich man.  It makes no sense to me.  Maybe society has determined that men and women are suppose to lie, cheat and steal from each other.  Maybe, just maybe, society has us convinced that kindness and generosity are signs of weakness.  I was speaking to a friend of mine this morning from Colorado that is going through a divorce.  Her soon to be ex is a good looking tough guy, a scrapper if you will.  Yet he fails to show up for his two young sons through out this whole process.  How did this scum bag pussy ever end up with a beautiful wife and two amazing children.... Unfortunately, I do not have the answer to any of these questions.  I can only continue to look inside my self and learn how to grow from with in, spiritually and emotionally.  This situation still continues to baffle me!