I heard exactly what I needed to hear tonight. This is a statement I have heard quite a bit over the last 14 months of going to 12 step recovery meetings. Tonight's meeting was on willingness. The willingness to change. The willingness to get sober. The willingness to stay sober. The willingness to believe in a power greater than myself. The willingness to put in the work to change my life. There is a saying amongst 12 steppers and that is “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain steps.” I listened really hard in that meeting tonight. I thought about my own willingness. I thought about how I felt last November coming into these rooms so broken and beat down. I was finally willing to go to any length to get my life on track. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I look back on those first few days after arriving back in Atlanta, I think about how willing I was to change my life so I would not end up a dead cliche.
Tonight I was willing to listen. Those of you that know me know that I am a talker and I share at almost every meeting I go to. One thing that is suggested in my program of recovery is to get outside of myself and go to new meetings. The point is to get out of my comfort zone and possibly hear some new solutions. Tonight I attended one of those new meetings. A new meeting down in the city and away from the comforts of upper middle class suburb recovery. When I attend new meetings I tell myself to listen more and save the sharing for another time. I try a little harder to focus on what is being said. After all these people are just like me and a lot of them do have what I want so if I keep my mouth shut I might get a little piece of knowledge to get me to the next step of becoming a better man. Tonight the listening paid off and I heard the complete reason for why I am a drug addict and an alcoholic... Enough. This has always been my biggest problem. Starting in my youth, I was never cool enough. And from there the race was on. I would struggle with the concept of enough from the age of 12 until.... Well shit it is still something I struggle with today. I am going to be honest about the enough's in my life that brought me 20 plus years of pain. I was not cool enough, my hair wasn't short enough, my grades were not good enough, I was not fast enough, I was not tough enough. Soon these things changed to I didn't work hard enough, I was not smart enough, I have never have enough money. Eventually I was not good enough looking, I was not skinny enough, I never had enough coke, my car was not nice enough, I am not tall enough, I don't work out enough and the list goes on and on. The bottom line is I did not have enough and I was not worth enough. Whether for myself or for others. Now that I have a little bit of sober time under my belt, I don't particularly care if what I am or what I have is or is not enough for anyone else. Today, what I have and what I am is just enough for me. This is something I have to remind myself of every day. Most of all as I near bedtime is that being sober TODAY was ENOUGH for me TODAY. Another 24 hours with out a drink or a drug is a very successful day for me. Anything else that I accomplished today were all blessings from my sobriety being ENOUGH!