I know there are some people in the world that believe that there are certain words in the English language that are considered bad. It is said at the beginning of several meetings that I go to, that while sharing please refrain from foul language because it might offend some people. This to me is really odd if one is to think about all the shit that we have done and seen in active addiction. Well if you one of those people I would stop reading right now. Why? First of all if you are easily offended you should probably not read ANY more of my writing. Second, I am going to use the word fuck a lot in this entry. Third, I really don't give a fuck.
So lets start with the word fuck. And yes there is a point to all my fucking tonight. I am a person that is very fond of the English language. I believe that the spoken word, my own and others, make the best stories. Sure I can read a book, or watch a movie, but there is just something about a story that is being told that is amazing to me. Inflection, improvisation, and body language tell us way more than a book or movie ever could. I think this might be why I am such a fan of music with lyrics. To me there is just something magical about it. With that being said, I truly believe that the word fuck might be the most useful word in the English language. It has so much more meaning than for unlawful carnal knowledge. Sure, I could pull out my thesaurus right now and spend time searching for a word that MIGHT have as much weight or MAYBE convey the feelings or emotions I want. But, when I really think about it, sometimes those other words just do not do the trick. I might come across as uneducated, uncouth, or ignorant... But, guess what? Yep, you are right. I don't give a fuck! Any word that can be used as a verb, noun, adjective and adverb is superb to me. This brings me to my next point, giving zero fucks.
Something I have been thinking about the last few days is how content I am and how little I seem to care about anything. Now this might seem as apathetic to someone that is not a drug addict or an alcoholic. For me this is becoming a life saver. For so many years I was constantly thinking about this and worrying about that. At the beginning the booze and drugs worked and quieted my brain. After about a decade of abuse, they could no longer keep my mind quiet. In fact they did just the opposite. All that shit I was trying to quiet inside my head was now screaming louder than ever. What I had, what I didn't have, he said she said, anything and every fucking thing a person could think about, I was thinking about and it was making me crazy. Literally. I think the Violent Femmes said it best in their song "The Country Death Song."
"Well, I'm a thinkin' and thinkin', till there's nothin' I ain't thunk.
Breathing in the stink, till finally I stunk.
It was at that time, I swear I lost my mind."
This is where I was at the end. Fueled by Cocaine and Whiskey, my brain obsessed over everything. Especially the painful stuff. Now, with a little over 15 months sober, I have started to notice that the obsessive thinking has dissipated. All that worry and obsessing was killing me. I would worry about everything. It is no wonder one of my favorite songs is "Worry". Over the past week or so I have realized that all this FUCKING BULLSHIT I use to carry around in my brain just really does not matter any more, and man it feels great. It is a feeling of peace when I realize my brain has been quiet for an hour or two with out one single conscience thought. As I write this I am almost overwhelmed with the relief that brings. One of many promises sobriety has fulfilled. Tonight, I GIVE ZERO FUCKS!
In closing I have to admit that I completely stole the I Give Zero Fucks saying from my friend Brian. Thanks for the inspiration buddy!