"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them."
The reading above are the 9th step promises from my 12 step
program. It is quite amazing how words written so long ago about being
and staying sober still hold true today. What is even more amazing is
that they are true in my life. Over the last 15 months I have worked very
very hard to change my life. Getting
sober and staying sober was just a very small part of the changes I wanted to
make. I wanted to become more honest. I was so tired of living from one crisis to
another as well as paycheck to paycheck.
I wanted to be less selfish and more rational. When I think about those last few days of my
using, the shit that would go through my head was clearly insane. So were my actions. Repeating the same mistakes over and over
expecting a different result. My
decision making was completely skewed by complete and utter insanity. I could not keep money around and I never
paid my bills. I trusted the untrustworthy, I never slept, I never ate, and I never saw the sun. It was obvious I was not living but slowly
dying and it was showing in my failing health.
This was the shape I was in when I decided I had had enough. I can remember going to meetings early on
full of anger and despair and hearing these promises. What always stuck out for me was the last
line. “They will always materialize if
we work for them.” Something some where
deep inside me believed this to be true.
Now I have worked hard in my life, but never have I worked as hard as I
have for these promises. I have shared
in meetings, talked to my sponsor, worked my steps, done my service work and
prayed a lot. I have cried a thousand
tears and shared my deepest, darkest secrets.
Today I have found a new freedom, well for the most part. I have found a happiness that I have never
known. I absolutely do not regret my
past and keep it close for safety. I do
comprehend the word serenity and I am finally at peace. I share my experience with others and I am
not useless by any means. I am working on
my self seeking, and I am far less selfish today than I have been in my entire
life. My attitude and outlook on life
have completely changed for the better.
I fear no man and do not ever worry about money. And slowly I am learning how to handle
situations that use to baffle me. Most
of all, I have realized that God did for me what I never could do for my self,
and that was make me sain, which I do not think I have ever been in my
life. Today I don’t have everything I
want, but I do have everything I need and that is wonderful. I live life on an even keel. A happy medium if you will. Not too high and not too low. Just perfect.
So, with all this being said, I think I will continue on this path of
enlightenment that I have found. The
life I want will materialize if I work for it!