Wednesday, February 20, 2013
I have been a drug addict and an alcoholic for most of my adult life if not all of it. Because of this I turned my back on God and the whole concept of a higher power. I would even go as far as belittling people for their faith. When I think about how I would do that to people, especially people I loved, I feel so ashamed. I was even doing this in sobriety up until a few months ago when I actually heard the words coming out of my mouth in a conversation with a coworker who has great faith. Who the fuck am I to challenge anyone's personal beliefs in God? What a freaking ego I have sometimes. Over the last fifteen months I have made the decision to believe in a power greater than my self. Its not that I did not believe, but I did not believe that higher power wanted anything to do with me. When in reality he was there all along keeping me right on the edge, showing me what it would look like if I jumped. Over the last few months I have been very willing and open minded. I have been working on my prayer and meditation, albeit there is much room for improvement. Things in my life have steadily improved over the last year with some high peaks and some low valleys, until today I have finally reached a super sweet medium. The other night I was sitting in a meeting and all of a sudden I felt an overwhelming sense of warmth, comfort, and safety. Which was a little weird since I was in a detox center. But I realized that warmth I was feeling was the faith that I had wanted and searched for my whole life. At that very moment, I knew, truly, that everything was going to be okay. I have finally found a God that is sufficient to all my needs, as my friend Mike would say. My prayers are simple today. They consist of things like God help me today or God give her everything she wants and needs. I keep it simple and ask only to know his will and support. I make sure there are always words for someone ease's needs. I was taught selfish prayers go unheard. I ask to know his will because I do not know it in detail, but I do know that I am suppose to stay sober and help others. Everything else will be revealed in his time not mine. I no longer ask when or why. Those questions have no realistic answers for my life today. I do owe a huge bit of gratitude and thanks to my sponsor who laid out the bread crumbs for me to follow. I surely could not have found this peace with out him. Last night I was discussing having lived two lives with my friends. My life without God is over. And I am only an infant in this new life with God, and that is amazing, because it is better that I could have ever dreamed. The future is so bright!!!!!