Sunday, January 6, 2013

Forgiveness and Validation from Within

Well, here I am at the end of my day and I am so glad it is over.  Today was an unusually rough day and I definitely made a mistake today.  Last night I could not sleep, and slept with a nicotine patch on which led to some dreams I could have done without.  Needless to say when I woke up this morning my mind was in a place it had not been in months.  One thing led to another and I did something I now regret terribly.  Dont worry I did not drink or get high.  But it was definately something I should not have done.  Anyways, shortly after that I went to do a fifth step with my sponsee.  I told him to make him feel more comfortable I had some fourth step work I needed to do and I would share that with him.  The work I did in that fourth step was directly related to the mistake I made today.  After all this was said and done, I realized some new character defects that I need to work on.  Forgiveness and self validation. 

Forgiveness is something that I have known for a while that I truly struggle with.  But it was not until today that I figured out how much bullshit I hold on to because of this.  I shared with a fellow alcoholic today that I am just not ready to forgive certain people for their actions.  As childish and petty as this sounds, it is the truth.  I want to but I cannot.  She went on to tell me that in the act of forgiveness we are letting ourselves off the hook.  Then the pain we hold on to has no more power.  It is our way of letting go.  Letting go of all that bad shit that is completely unnecessary.  Tonight I am listening to Ryan Bingham.  In his song Flower Bomb he says "Relieve the pain so the good can grow."  Tonight I want to give in and relieve all that pain.  Tonight I want to cry like a child and be done with it for good.  But for some reason the tears wont come.  So instead I will pray.  I will pray for them.  I will pray that God will help me learn how to be more forgiving.  So that my heart will have room for love again.

Today, I aslo relized how much I look for validation from outside sources to prove my man hood.  It is really weird, despite all my good traits, I still need that outside source to reaffirm what I already know.  It is almost as if all those things that I do believe define what a man should be are not good enough for me anymore.  I have no idea how I got to this point or if I do or do not believe that.  What I do know is that I am sick and tired of not finding that validation from god or myself.  SO, this will be another thing to add to the list to pray about and to focus on changing.  It is really not an apealing vision of ones self at all.  So I will put into action the things I have learned to do to make the changes I want.

I will close this entry with something positive.  Tomorrow the paper work goes out so I can take 12 step meetings into the jails.  Also, I am going to a recovery center for men and am going to talk to the director about the volunteer positions they have available.  Then I start guitar lessons on Sunday, which I am really excited about.  After that I have two nights of the Drive by Truckers in the beautiful city of Athens, Ga.  Hopefully I will also be recieving my acceptance letter to school this week.  All great things to come!  Thank God!

Flower Bomb

Songwriters: BINGHAM, RYAN

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

In this world, we have gone
Out on our own, all alone in stone
Looking for time that passes us by
You tired and old you may get left behind
In this world we hope to see
Invisible signs of our democracy so
Maybe somehow we all can say
That it's worth the blood that we leave on the stage

For in this world we make a stand
For suffering minds of unknown lands
But the water balloon are 2 left feet
Can never rise above our political heat
For in this world we voice and
It's lout as hell if we have the choice
Don't consume them best to fill your lives
Then we feed our kids what we leave behind
In this world we have to shake and
[ Lyrics from: ]
Man the hand that button breaks
If we hesitate we not forget
About the hard ticks written for last month's rent, mhm
How in the hell can we progress
If we're all out of work hooked on pills for stress
They tell us, up in heaven there is food for eat
But for now all we get is this shit on the street
For in this world we just can't trust
And food stamps filling our bellies up
Homeless kids on forgotten roads
Let's hope they can bear when the winter cold cause
The spark within the youngest eye
Can slowly fade with the whisper cry
So lend your heart and all you know
And relieve the pain so the good can grow
Relieve the pain so the good can grow.

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