Getting in Where I Fit In

“When I stepped out into the bright sunlight, from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home...”  This is the opening line to my favorite book as a teen.  S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders was definitely my coming of age book.  Tonight, I have two things on my mind.  Pain and not fitting in. I felt like a quote from The Outsiders would be a perfect way to start this entry since the book is about being on the outside and not fitting in. Over the last few months I have been hearing other people in 12 step programs share about how they never felt like they fit in and some still have that feeling today.  Tonight I was given the opportunity to hear a story from a man who had those feelings of being an outsider.  I related so well to his feelings, wanting so bad to fit in and to feel normal.  I too, can remember being a very young boy and knowing that there was something different about me.  I was never comfortable in my own skin.  Once I hit my stride in early 2000 with the Widespread Panic party crowd I finally felt like I belonged.  I could consume as much of anything you could put in front of me and still walk in a straight line.  I felt so comfortable submersed deep in a drug subculture and surrounded myself with people just like me.  Only to find out eleven years later that I still hated myself and as I looked at that cop on November 4th 2011 I was so confused.  How did I get here? How had I fallen so far?  At the time, I was out of work, out of money, and was being escorted out of my blacked out girlfriends apartment.  Where had everything gone wrong? Tonight, after hearing the speaker talk about not fitting in, I thought about it.  I always felt that way.  Drugs and alcohol gave me a common bond with others.  And the really scary part about it is that I was good at it.  I could fucking party.  So it makes sense that the more shit I could get my hands on the more I was liked and the better that made me feel.  At the time I might have known it was a false sense of security who knows.  What I do know now is that I have finally found a place where I do feel like I fit in, even on days where I hate myself.  Those are few and far between now but they still happen.  Now, I surround myself with people that know exactly where I have been and have had the same feelings I do.  And they ALL turned to the bottle or the bag to get themselves through.  Now I spend my days knowing that I DO fit in with these people.  We all have one common goal.  STAY SOBER.  Sure there is more to it that just staying sober, but ultimately that is the main goal.  The people I speak with and see on a regular basis have all hit a bottom and are willing to do what ever it takes never to be in that place again.  Some one shared tonight when they picked up their 5 year chip that they were proud today to be an alcoholic.  This is something my father will never understand and that is ok.  But being a drug addict and alcoholic has brought me to a place where peace and serenity exist, so I too am proud of what I am.  I am at peace and I finally fit in.