These days I am really trying to pay attention in my meetings to what is being said in stead of waiting to talk. I pay very close attention to those with long time sobriety that have all the things in life that I want. I also try to listen close to those that are just coming in or have relapsed recently. I want to keep close that reminder of what it is like out there in the world of drugs and alcohol. I heard a woman share tonight about how hard it is to discuss with her husband about her bottom. This triggered a good bit of introspection for me tonight. I have to remember that night vividly. I need to remember what I saw in the mirror in that apartment right before the cops walked in. I HAVE to remember how insane the entire world felt at that moment. As painful of a memory as it is, it is much less painful as an old memory than it would be to be in that situation again. And for me that includes two types of sobriety. There is the sobriety from drugs and alcohol and a sobriety from women that are bad for me. Neither is a place I ever want to venture into again. So tonight I keep that fear close. I have dodged a few bullets here in the last few months with women and it has made me realize that I have to be more aware. I need to be aware of how sick the people are I am spending time with as well as myself. I can spend my time helping those that are as sick or sicker than I, but as far as companions go, I need to be very cautious. Tonight I shared about learning to be calm and at peace with being alone and in my own skin. Everyday I am getting better at this, but like I heard tonight, in that alone time comes the pain too. And until tonight I saw that pain as the past having a foot hold on me currently. But as the woman shared tonight, learning that in that alone time to be ok with that pain is evidence of growth. In order for growth to occur there will be some pain. Learning from mistakes of the past is never easy or pain less. Hearing this woman share this tonight brought in that warmth that I use to get from the straw. A sense of self knowledge if you will. It is a great feeling to understand that I am moving forward in so many different ways. It is a peace I have never known.
Tonight I will close with a few words with God. God, please help me. Help me to stay sober another 24 hours. Help me to stay on the path of forgiveness, love, and tolerance. Please help me help those that so desperately need it. Thank you for all the blessings you have given me.