Thursday, December 27, 2012

Laws of Attraction

I can remember partying after the 2010 New Years Eve Widespread Panic show with a girl and another couple, at some point during the night a friend of the two girls calls, and they put the call on speaker phone and she proceeds to tell the room about the most recent episode of cheating on her boyfriend.  Despite my high level of intoxication, I was amazed at how "acceptable" this was to the three people I was with.  Of course this should have been a blazing warning sign for me at the time. Needless to say, both the women in the room that night went on to be cheaters them selves.  Birds of a feather I guess.  Anyways, my point in bringing this up is what on earth did I put out into the world that attracted people that found infidelity acceptable behavior, much less funny.  Even though I was well into my addiction at the time, I was at a point in my life where this was not acceptable behavior to me.  I had been a one woman man for years by this point and would not condone this behavior from anyone in my life.  So now I have to wonder how someone with the moral code like mine would have attracted such people.  Who knows, maybe it was the drugs, booze, and everything else that allowed that type of woman into my life.

Now that I have put together a few 24 hours of sobriety and have completely changed my life, I have to wonder what it is about me that is still attracting the strangest of the strange.  I would like to think, and the people that know me best would agree, that I am a kind, gentle, caring, affectionate, honest person.  So how on earth is it that even in sobriety I am still attracting the complete opposite.  The liars, the cheaters, the disrespectful?  I had an experience a month or so ago with a woman that showed complete interest, yet finally admitted that was not her intentions at all, and she even went as far to apologize to me for having preyed on me for my attention.  WTF, where do these people come from?  The most recent attempt at dating resulted in an I miss you text on Christmas Eve, quickly evolving into completely disappearing all together over the next three days.  My sponsor tells me it is ok to have reasonable expectations of people.  Simple things like returning phone calls, showing up, and basic honesty...  Things that normal people do in their relationships.  I don't want to get to a point where I cannot expect these things out of people, and only expect the bad.  This is not something I want for my life, but experience does tend to mold us as human beings.  It is also hard for me not to compare my self to other people.  If I had a dollar for every dip shit, asshole, dickhead I know that I would not let into my home that has an amazing girlfriend, wife, and family, I would be a rich man.  It makes no sense to me.  Maybe society has determined that men and women are suppose to lie, cheat and steal from each other.  Maybe, just maybe, society has us convinced that kindness and generosity are signs of weakness.  I was speaking to a friend of mine this morning from Colorado that is going through a divorce.  Her soon to be ex is a good looking tough guy, a scrapper if you will.  Yet he fails to show up for his two young sons through out this whole process.  How did this scum bag pussy ever end up with a beautiful wife and two amazing children.... Unfortunately, I do not have the answer to any of these questions.  I can only continue to look inside my self and learn how to grow from with in, spiritually and emotionally.  This situation still continues to baffle me!

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