The Labor Day weekend has officially come to a close along with the end of summer. Having a birthday at this time of year has always meant a celebration around the time of something ending or beginning or both. It is funny how my life has always worked that way. Three years ago today I had moved into a new apartment in downtown Denver by myself. Two years ago, I had met a new girl. Last year at this time I was moving head strong into a full blown drug addiction with out any regards for much else. This summer, relationship with said girl has now ended permanently, and I have joined a new soccer team. Things change in my life so fast, I had to take some time for my self and get out of town. I find Atlanta, especially where I live, can be stifling sometimes and making it hard to think. So I headed for one of my favorite places, Asheville and the Blue Ridge Mountains. On this trip I was hoping to gain some insight on the end of my relationship, my thoughts on God, where I stood with AA, my job, and anything else that had been banging around my head for the last few weeks. Well here is what I came up with.
I am going to start with the relationship since it seems to be a biggest piece of the man standing on my chest these days. I spent a good bit of my time while driving contemplating how until a month or so ago her parents hated me for what ever reason... She said that they thought that I was some looser who lived at home with his parents, had no ambition, and was merely chasing something way out of my league. A few days later she went on to explain that she had emailed her parents explaining to them how we were very similar and that I was a very important part of her life and that I had helped her with her changing her life and was and I quote "her rock". Her parents replied that they had not understood the situation and they were very grateful for me and that they would no longer bad mouth me the way they had in the past. This seemed to be a hurdle we had needed to over come for quite a while. Of course one could see how this could lead to mass confusion when I try to figure out how we got from being "her rock" to where we are now. I also spent some time going over the conversations we had the Sunday before I was suppose to arrive in Denver and wonder how in about 30 hours we went from her being excited for me to get there and the meal we were going to have. The I love you too's to I canceled the ticket and please don't contact me. Then I also wondered what the heck her friends think, I know what the friends who dont know me think.... But what about the ones that do... Not that it really matters... I am just curious... I know the ones that dont know me like to say things like you should not be with a guy like that... That always made me laugh. Then last but not least I spent sometime reflecting on what I have done wrong over the last two years. I wondered if I could have shown her in some other way the love I had for her. I wondered if I will be forgiven for the horrible things I said a few weeks ago. After all this thinking and hoping for some resolution, This, with some professional help, is what I have come up with. First, the relationship is over. Now it is time to figure out how and why I let her in and love her the way I do... I am hoping that with a little help from the doctor, I can get to the bottom of all this. I really do want to move on! It is hard when she is in my dreams every night and according to my sponsor I am suppose to be praying for her. EVERY DAY!
Next up is God. This has always been a very difficult concept for me. Obviously during my active addictions I was very far away from God. I can remember being a young child sitting in mass and wondering if it was all a hoax... Today, my faith has faltered. Yes, of course there are things I am grateful for and I do believe that there was something greater at work keeping me alive all those years. But do I believe that God, will bestow upon me this amazing life now that I am sober? Will my sobriety alone be enough for me to pay for the sins of my past? What will happen if I continue to pray for unselfish things, which with all honesty in sobriety I have done. Will just being sober be enough to satisfy my needs or should I learn to want for nothing? So many questions and so few answers... I am not really sure where to go from here, but I will continue to pray and work on my meditation...
As far as my job is concerned, all I can do is look for another one. I keep looking for the lesson that is to be learned here. Maybe it is just this simple. There are selfish people in the world and they might not mean us harm but they in no way have our well being in mind. I think Mike Cooley says it best. "Tell me how to tell the difference between what they tell me is the truth or a lie." It is funny there is some bullshit I can smell a mile away and others blind side me like a freight train... That is blatantly obvious in this and the last few posts. But for now I will keep on selling and keep on looking. Something will come around, it always does.
I am sure this looks like a big pile of crap I dealt with instead of enjoying my time in North Carolina.. I did have a great time. I had a fantastic meal at the Tupelo Honey Cafe in Asheville. The food was amazing and the service was the best I have had in a long time. My server was a cute little dready named Jeniffer I think. I left her a nice tip and a note telling her she did a wonderful job. The room at the Double Tree was a birthday present from my wonderful mother. The privacy, was well needed and enjoyed. One day I will have a shower with seats in it. The time in the mountains was work as usual but I enjoyed it. The time on the river was nice but I have a lot to learn about fly fishing. It is something I have always been interested in, now it is time to really work at it... And no, I did not catch a thing. You see I am much different from most "fisherman". The time away from the city was wonderful. That part of the country is beautiful and small city living is calling my name. This trip only reinforced the love I have for Colorado and how hard I must work to get back to the place that has my heart! Despite feeling a little lost and heartbroken, I hold on to that dream of getting back to that place tightly...
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