Letting Go Again!

I wrote earlier in the summer about letting go of a relationship.  I wrote about how toxic the relationship had become and that it was sick with lies, infidelity, and hurt.  Which was the truth.  At the time when I wrote the post I was right in the middle of my 9th step, the one where we in AA make our amends to the people we had harmed.  I knew at the time that I had an amends to make to the other half of the relationship that was so sick.  It was not all her that had done wrong.  Although I will claim my piece of the high road and NOT use my disease as an excuse to go out and sleep with someone else.  Anyways, I was worried about making the amends to her because I knew opening that line of communication could be deadly for me. So I wrote the first Letting Go entry, and discussed how low of a place, much lower than the drugs and alcohol, this relationship had taken me.  It took me to the darkest, scariest place that I swore I would never go back to.  Well after I wrote the entry, I received an email from her the next day.  The email went something like this.  I am sorry for this, I am sorry for that, you were always in my heart, now that I am sober I have seen the damage I have caused, I could not have got sober with out you,  and how special our relationship was to her and how near and and dear to her heart it was.    So instead of doing what I knew in my head was right I listened to that place in my heart that still loved her and replied.  At this point we had not spoke in almost two months. Before we got on the phone I prayed for guidance and planned to make my amends first thing in the conversation. Immediately I made my amends to her as soon as we got on the phone, and I truly felt as though God had lifted all the pain from the lies, and the cheating, all of it.  Once again I will clarify here, I did not do the lying or the cheating.  Things were good.  She was telling me that I made her happier than she had ever been, and that my love was so special, and everything felt right and easy and most of all she loved me.  Foolish, so foolish of me to think that this was true, but I did.  I finally felt that everything had come full circle.  She was sober, I was sober and we were in love and my life was finally on the way to where I wanted it to be with the woman I love.  A week later I land the perfect sales job that would get me on my feet and back to her in Colorado.  Everything was great, my life was fantastic...  Heck she was even reading to me out of her journal the things she had written about me, how much she loved me, what was she thinking being with this other guy and on and on and on...  Now who would not believe that?  I am going to interject here, the reason I am sharing so much of this is because I feel that the truth must come out...  I know that there are a whole lot of folks that always saw me as the bad guy or the wrong guy or what ever...  SO I feel as though the truth must be told. Ok, so where was I?  Everything was grand.  The 9th step promises were coming true.  I had worked my steps, worked with my sponsor, gone to meetings, and life was coming together for me for the first time ever.  Great woman, great job, great friends, sober and ready to bust my ass to get back to Colorado.  We were so excited and in love we had planned for me to visit her when she was home in North Carolina visiting her parents for the fourth...  Well I eventually decided this was probably not a good idea seeing that her mother thought I was a huge fucking loser and she needed time to focus on her family.  This brought me great accolades and now this unselfish act had made her love for me grow more than ever she said.  So we decided that she would use a voucher she had and fly me out at the end of August to Denver for my birthday. Aint life grand!  As time went on the I love you's became less and less and at the end of her trip home I get an email saying she was sorry, that she did not want to be here again with me but she was not ready to be in a relationship with me and that I would not be coming to Denver and she needed time to focus on her self and her sobriety... Knowing how to handle the situation, I told her I still loved her and she said she still loved me and that everything would be ok and I would give her the time she needed to heal...  Well as usual this lasted all of about a week and we were back at it again.  I texted every day, she called every day.  I always left the calling up to her.  I WAS NOT GOING TO CALL...  If she wanted to talk, that was up to her and so she did every day like clock work.  Finally in an effort to give her the space she needed we decided to only talk once a week...  The first week went ok and when we did finally talk, the I love yous and I miss yous flew around and we got on a conversation we had previously had about the birthday present she was going to buy me...  At first she mentioned that she had thought about buying me a pocket watch and having it engraved with some special saying about time.  I told her the only thing I wanted for my birthday was to see her.  So she said she would sleep on it.  Two days later she bought me a ticket to Denver and I took the time off from work.  Everything had seem to gotten back on track and I was headed home to see my baby for my 38th birthday.  This was going to be very special for me since it would be my first birthday sober in 20 years.  In the meantime home was great, job was great, AA was amazing.  I had started a new beginners meeting, picked up my first sponsee, life could not have been better.  In the next two weeks we would go on to make dinner reservations, camping reservations in Vail, all the things you do when you plan a visit like this.  Well as the day got closer, she started to get really snappy with me.  I chalked it up to her just being bitchy and getting nervous. My ticket was set for Thursday August 16th.  On Sunday August 12th I received a message from her, stating that I would be excited about the meal she was going to cook for me and have ready when I arrived in Denver.  Skip forward to Monday night and well lets just say in 30 hours something had changed.  The what ifs kicked in...  I got angry, seeing that we were waiting to the last minute to discuss issues that should have been being discussed all along.  We were on the phone all night but had finally come to a resolution and she said she felt better having discussed her feelings and we went to bed.  Around 10 am the next morning I got a text message that said "check your email".  Immediately I got a huge lump in my throat.  This email read something like this..  I have cancelled your flight, i do not feel like it is healthy for us to see each other right now.  My indecision is not good for me or you. Please do not contact me... Now, I will let you guess about the one part of our relationship that wasnt damaged.  We were very open about a lot of things with each other and I had shared about thinking about her in my "special alone time" when things were not good between us and it always made me feel better.  But somehow this was completely misread and used as a reason to call the whole thing off.  Oh and I punched a hole in the wall the night before, on accident...  This too she said was a reason for us not to see each other.  But the best part was the cancellation receipt that was attached and the lack of an I am sorry or anything of the sort....  Immediately I saw red...  After all the shit we had been through and all things I had forgiven her for came flying back into my head and I unleashed them all on her.  All the things I have never said over the last two years came flying out. It was bad...  I will tell on my self here a bit... I will spare you all the details but I used the c word and many more...  I will admit I was in the wrong and I have tried to apologize as best I could, but since she has blocked my phone...  We wont be speaking any time soon...  So now here we are three weeks later..  How do I feel?  I feel terrible!  All of this could have been avoided...  What it comes down to is she never wanted me in the first place.  It is all about one thing... The attention I give her.  All the times I have been supportive.  All the times I have told her she was the most beautiful woman on the planet....  All the times I told her I loved her...  All the times well you get the point...  And the best part is the friends in her life with shitty boyfriends that degrade them like shit telling her how bad I was! Or the single friends that could only get with a married co worker, that told her I was not good enough!  HA!  So now feeling the way I do, and going back and reading that first Letting Go post...  I am quickly reminded of the pain that I have endured from all the lies and all the bullshit I have been through...  Who acts this way?  And why do I fall for it every time?  She never ever loved me at all.  Never not once were my best interest at the top of her list.  Now I feel like I was wrong all along.  Nothing has changed...  I have never been nor will I ever be a priority in this woman's life...  I was never truly loved...  Yet I was the one that begged for her to get sober.  I was the one that cried with her.  And like she said in the email, I was the one that was there, keeping her from losing it all. She said this was the best gift she had ever been given. So now I will walk away..  I gave it the best I could.  I showed her as much love and support as one person could. I was there when no one else was!  I wish things were different but they are not... And she wonders why I think that she does not care.  So one day, and this will never happen, I hope she realizes how much of myself I gave and how little I got in return....  I will leave you with this.  The best thing she ever did for me was call the police on me!  Done!