Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas 2012

Wow, I am really not sure where to begin.  This will be the third year I have written a blog entry on or around Christmas.  Like years past, I will share about what has happened in the past year, where I am headed and my Christmas wish.  This year will be much different from years past, due to the overwhelming changes that have occurred over 2012.  Some things will remain the same, I am still a creature of habit.  For example, after listening to several different bands and genres of music that would be appropriate and inspiring for this entry, and finally I went with the Drive by Truckers.  I don't know if it is the sweet, sweaty, sounds of the south that inebriate my mind to get all the words out or if it is the connection I have with their lyrics.  Songs like The Righteous Path, Purgatory Line, Danko/Manual, When the Pin Hits the Shell, and The Living Bubba almost seem as if they were written for my place in life no matter how much that changes.  Some how, some way, this music inspires me to get my words out and share them with the world.  Maybe it is the words of struggle, pain, recklessness, love, hope, loss, intoxication, and being southern that touch that place in my heart.  Maybe it is the underlying message of perseverance in their music that will inspire me tonight to share my thoughts on hope and the future.  What ever it is, the twang is loud tonight and we are on our way.

Speaking of the Drive by Truckers, right now Gravity's Gone is playing.  One of the reasons this song is one of my favorites is the amazing pedal steel guitar.  It seems appropriate to start this paragraph off with a quote from this song.  "What used to be is gone and what ought to be ought not to be so hard."  This quote could sum up the year of 2012 for me.  It has been a year of letting go, making peace, and moving on.  Deciding last November, after 22 years of drug and alcohol abuse, to get sober was not a hard decision at all.  The police will have that impact.  Little did I know that the easy part would end with that decision.  The life I use to have was now over.  Colorado, friends, girlfriends, insanity, and so many other things were gone.  Learning to live with what ought to be was a long and painful road.  Moving to Colorado was one of the most exciting times of my life.  It was a place that I fell in love with the first time i visited and knew that is where I wanted to live.  I was done with Cobb county and my life in Atlanta was in the past.  It took a lot of time for me to finally realize that I will get back to that land that I love so much, but now is not the time and it will not be happening any time soon.  I am finally at peace now with the fact that Atlanta is where I am suppose to be, for today.  Along with Colorado, letting go of some of the relationships, one in particular, was a very bitter pill to swallow.  And yes what ought to be ought not to be so hard.  But sometimes it just is and with a little faith and hard work that pain slowly subsides into the back ground.  Eventually the point of looking back turns into the point of looking forward.  This is where letting go and moving on from the insanity was the biggest obstacle.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  This remained a factor in my life until about October of this year, and finally I came to terms with the fact that the result was ALWAYS going to be the same.  Sadness, pain, anger, distrust, were feelings I no longer wanted in my life but I had to get off the road of crazy and give it all to God to let those feelings go.

2012 was an employment roller coaster.  Three places of employment later, I have started my own company, Adelaide Productions LLC.  I have decided that going back to school and learning how to make a living working for my self is the not only best for me, but possible employers as well.  I know I am not the easiest to employ.  Hell, I hate shaving, getting hair cuts, dress pants, I love tattoos and punctuality is not a strong point.  But, with a little hard work, I have complete faith that I can make the money I need working for my self.  This will allow me to grow my beard long and grey, grow my hair way past my collar, and never worry about my tattoos showing...  A modest living is the goal but hey lets aim for the stars.  As long as I stay sober, I know any thing is possible.  Along with starting my own company I am going to back to school in June.  Kennesaw State University has a fantastic professional writing program that I want to engage. Becoming a writer is a life long goal and there is no time like the present to chase it.  It is better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all right?  I am so excited.  Cannot wait to see what is to come.

Now it is time for my Christmas wish.  It is funny just as I started typing this paragraph "Everybody Needs Love," an Eddie Hinton song started to play.  This is exactly why I pick the Drive by Truckers to write to.  I always get what I need, when I need it from this band.  Tonight the topic of the meeting I went to was on having a spiritual awakening.  For me they started in back in June.  I am not sure if they have came from working the steps, being sober, having an open mind, or all of these combined, but they have happened and continue to do so.  I shared about the moment at the children's Christmas Eve service last night where I finally got it.  For years I have been asking my self why the story of Jesus Christ being born is the greatest story ever told.  Last night it finally hit me.  It is the ultimate story of hope.  Struggling and poor, Mary and Joseph gave birth to their baby boy in a barn, and look at how far his life has gone and how many lives he has touched.  That is a hope that I so desperately wish for tonight, Christmas night 2012.  Hope for myself, hope for my family, hope for everyone I love, hope for all mankind.  A hope that we all find that love that we all need to survive.  A hope to show me the way of forgiveness and acceptance.  A hope, that even against our nature, we as men and women can find our way above the violence and hate that plagues us. It seems so simple, yet so difficult.  Today I have faith and I have the hope that we will achieve the goals of love and peace for ALL MANKIND.

Good Night, God Bless and Happy Holidays

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