Isn't It Ironic

Not to be cliche but I was flipping through the channels on the radio on my way home tonight and caught half of Alanis Morissette's Isn't It Ironic.  It took me right back to an easier time, 1994 or 1995 maybe.  The memories of those years are a nothing but a flash now but as I listened to the words of that song I laughed to myself.  Despite how poppy and top 40 it might be some of those lyrics are very true in my life today.  I wont go into all the places my mind wandered in those few minutes but the line about the good advice you just didnt take resonated loud with me.  In that brief moment all the advice from all the people that I should have listened to zipped through my head almost as if it was on a movie screen.  A lot of that advice would have kept me out of the place that I am in now.  Stay away from drugs and alcohol, dont smoke cigarettes, save your money, and make good grades in school are just a few that I thought of while I sat at the red light in the rain.  Well if you have not figured out by now, I did not listen to any of that good advice.  I did things how I wanted to do them.  And here we are 38, in recovery, living at my parents house in my home town, learning how to live life again, the right way.  Now I dont feel bad about how I got here, and for the most part I dont feel bad about being here.  Sure some days are easier to swallow than others.  But I am proud to be in recovery.  I am happy to say that for the last 11 months I have taken MOST of the advice of the people around me.  Minus one big decision.  And today I am still sober.  Today, I have money in my pocket.  Today I can feel and be trusted.  Today I will do what I say I am going to do. Today I am on the track to being the man I am capable of being simply from realizing that my plan sucks and that there is a much better way to live.  It is funny, reflecting on the weekend, I have finally achieved the life that I once dreamed about.  A NORMAL life.  A life full of things that normal people do.  Lets see, I took it easy Friday, spent Saturday with the family and went to a fundraiser for the church camp my sister and I went to as children.  Met up with an old friend and scored two goals in a soccer game on Sunday.  I am having a huge deja vu moment as I reread those words and think back to the day after Thanksgiving last year and remember telling someone how much I longed for a normal life.  And now its here, and I can only thank God and the program of Alcoholic Anonymous for it!

Carrying the Message

So over the last week I have been looking at new ways to build my readership.  Especially free ones.  I have been looking at different discussion forums and such where like minded people might dwell...  I use to frequent the Widespread Panic discussion forum quite a bit so I figured this too would be a great place to test the waters.  I know there are a good bit of sober Panic fans so why not.  Well despite all the bashing I have taken over sharing about my sobriety in a heavily drug influenced arena, I have received several positive messages from complete strangers.  All of them we very appreciative of me telling my story and were surprisingly supportive.  All of them encouraged me to keep writing and to a few my words were inspirational.  Ill be honest it choked me up a bit today.

  I also had another person reach out to me on Facebook, a complete stranger, who found me through my blog.  It turns out we have mutual friends in Asheville.   All of which is too funny for more than one reason.   Anyways, he shared that he is newley in recovery.  This just proved to me that what I share here is exactly what I need to be doing.  I am very grateful for the opportunity to be of ANY service through my writing and maybe, just maybe, I can help someone to stop digging their hole at the bottom. 

So tonight this is my gratitude list.  Thank you all who have reached out to me in the last few days with your kind words...  You have helped me get through another 24 hours without a drink or a drug.  The love I received today from you is exactly what I needed. 

Thank you!

Grateful!

Its funny how easy I can slip into that negative place despite everything I have learned over the past year.  Slowly but surely I am coming out of that black hole once again and something happened tonight that made me decide to do a gratitude post every night.  Do I have everything I want in life?  No, but I do have some pretty amazing things...  Tonight I got to spend some time talking with a new friend that shared his experiences that made me realize that things will be ok. I am looking froward to seeing this relationship grow.  Today I also had the wonderful experience of seeing the light come back on in a fellow alcoholic...  And it is only through service work was I able to see this change and it quickly got me out of that place in my head where I did not need to be, just like it is suggested in the big book.  Tonight I am also grateful for another friend.  A friend that is always willing to listen.  A friend that always calls me on my bullshit.  A friend that knows how to make me feel important with just a few kind words and a sweet smile.  You know who you are and I am glad you are in my life!  I cannot do this without you!

Thank you God for keeping me sober another 24 hours and the many blessing you have bestowed upon me. 

Searching with my Good Eye Closed

Painted blue across my eyes And tie the linen on And I'm on my way, on my way Looking for the paradigm So I can pass it off Is it on my side, on my side
Is it to the sky, is it to the sky Looking to the sky and down Searching for a ground With my good eye closed
If I took you for a ride Would you take it wrong Or would you make it right, make it right Looking for a pedestal That I can put you on And be on my way, on my way
Is it to the sky, is it to the sky Looking to the sky and down Searching for a ground With my good eye closed
With my good eye closed With my good eye closed With my good eye closed With my good eye closed With my good eye closed With my good eye closed
Stop you're trying to bruise my mind I can do it on my own Stop you're trying to kill my time It's been my death since I was born I don't remember half the time If I'm hiding or I'm lost But I'm on my way, on my way
Is it to the sky, is it to the sky Is it to the sky, is it to the sky I'm on my way, on my way On my way, on my way I'm on my way, on my way Is it to the sky, is it to the sky I'm on my way, on my way Is it to the sky, is it to the sky

Read more: SOUNDGARDEN - SEARCHING WITH MY GOOD EYE CLOSED LYRICS

Tonight

Tonight I will try to remain positive.  Tonight I will believe in the changes others can see in me
even if I cannot see them my self.  Tonight I will have hope that things will get better.  Tonight I will believe that my God will take care of me.  Tonight I will love myself because I am worthy.  Tonight I will progress on changing my thinking.  Tonight I will forgive myself and those I am mad at.  Tonight I will lay still and no peace.  Tonight I will go to sleep grateful knowing I mad it another 24 hours with out drugs and alcohol.  Tonight I will thank God for so many blessings.  Tonight I will ask God for his will not mine.  Tonight I will believe that God is doing for me what I could not do for my self!
Tonight in this moment I have everything I need...  All by the grace of God!

Good night.  Love hard, appreciate them, be grateful and pray!

Ramblings

I went to a men’s meeting tonight and the topic was humility.  From what I have learned over the last 11 months, I am not alone in my struggle to find humility.  Without humility I will be as I understand it I will be unable to stay sober and I cannot by truly honest.  In order to be truly humble I have to remember that I am powerless and to constantly work on my conscience contact with my higher power... It is in his will, not mine will I obtain the ever elusive humility… 

                Tonight, feeling bad both physically and emotionally I have a lot to put into words about my lack of humility and my need to be honest.  There are so many questions that I have on this quest I am on to becoming a better person.  Do I need to yell yet again from the mountain top that I am a raging drug addict and alcoholic that lied, cheated and stole my way through twenty years?  I AM powerless over drugs and alcohol, and people too.  Maybe this just needs to be a reexamining of my character defects.  Just because I am sober now does not mean that I am no longer selfish, self-seeking, arrogant, and as much as I hate to admit it full of fear, doubt and guilt.  Tonight, I am full of resentment and lack the grace of forgiveness and my prayers consist of two things.  God help me, and please give her all that she wants in needs in life…    I know this is turning into just one big stream of feelings and thoughts and bullshit but tonight it is all I have.  Tonight all I can do is humbly ask God to remove afore mentioned defects of character and to ask for the open mindedness and willingness to let go and forgive.  I no longer have the relief of escapism through serious mind altering substances, but I do have the ability to be honest and get out the emotions I am feeling… Yes, I do want things to be different.  Yes, I am having a hard time accepting things as they are.  But today, I don’t have to get wasted over them.  As I rapidly approach that anniversary of that night that finally brought me to my knees last November, the memory has been replaying over and over in my head.  Hitting the bottom that night and feeling so desperate.  Looking into the eyes of someone I loved so much and realizing the hell I was living in while I was escorted out by the cops.  That is a memory I have to keep fresh.  I do not ever want to go there again.  SO maybe tonight being sober has to be enough.  I’m not sure any of this makes sense.  Caffeine, steroids, antibiotics and some other medicine I cannot pronounce I have done a number on me tonight….  With that said, I am going to bed.  I have to believe that the longer I am sober the better things will get!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Tolerance

Practice tolerance.

Tolerate our quirks, our feelings, our reactions, our peculiarities, and our humanness. Tolerate our ups and downs, our resistance to change, and our struggling and sometimes awkward nature.

Tolerate our fears, our mistakes, our natural tendency to duck from problems, and pain. Tolerate our hesitancy to get close, expose ourselves, and be vulnerable.

Tolerate our need to occasionally feel superior, to sometimes feel ashamed, and to occasionally share love as an equal. Tolerate the way we progress - a few steps forward, and a couple back.

Tolerate our instinctive desire to control and how we reluctantly learn to practice detachment. Tolerate the way we say we want love, and then sometimes push others away. Tolerate our tendency to get obsessive, forget to trust God, and occasionally get stuck.

Some things we do not tolerate. Do not tolerate abusive or destructive behaviors toward others or ourselves.

Practice healthy, loving tolerance of ourselves, said one man. When we do, we'll learn tolerance for others. Then, take it one step further; learn that all the humanness we're tolerating is what makes ourselves and others beautiful.

Today, I will be tolerant of myself. From that, I will learn appropriate tolerance of others.

Friday, September 21, 2012

  

You are reading from the book Each Day a New Beginning

Praise and an attitude of gratitude are unbeatable stimulators . . . we increase whatever we extol.
—Sylvia Stitt Edwards

What outlook are we carrying forth into the day ahead? Are we feeling fearful about the circumstances confronting us? Do we dread a planned meeting? Are we worried about the welfare of a friend or lover? Whatever our present outlook, its power over the outcome of our day is profound. Our attitude in regard to any situation attracting our attention influences the outcome. Sometimes to our favor, often to our disfavor if our attitude is negative.

Thankfulness toward life guarantees the rewards we desire, the rewards we seek too often from an ungrateful stance. The feeling of gratitude is foreign to many of us. We came to this program feeling worthless, sometimes rejected, frequently depressed. It seemed life had heaped problems in our laps, and so it had. The more we lamented what life "gave us," the more reasons we were given to lament. We got just what we expected. We still get just what we expect. The difference is that the program has offered us the key to higher expectations. Gratitude for the good in our lives increases the good.

I have the personal power to influence my day; I will make it a good one.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

   

You are reading from the book Touchstones

Sexuality expresses God's intention that people find authentic humanness not in isolation but in relationship.
—James B. Nelson

We men have regarded our sex lives and our spiritual lives as two different worlds. This attitude has caused many crises - anger and frustration with our partners, power struggles, accusations and hurt feelings, shame and guilt about our own behavior.

We can join our spirituality with our sexual selves by taking responsibility for being sexual. Being responsible means we take the risk of being vulnerable, of giving and receiving affection and sexual expression in our relationships. We cannot expect satisfaction of our desires simply because we feel them. In sexuality, as in all parts of our lives, our Higher Power is our guide. We can also say no to sexual expression if we wish.

God guide my sexual awareness today. Open me to experience sexuality as a creative gift for relationships.

Truth

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

   You are reading from the book Touchstones

Who's not sat tense before his own heart's curtain?
—Rainer Maria Rilke

Meeting our Higher Power and ourselves is the universal spiritual process. Sitting before the curtain of our hearts may feel as awesome to us or as frightening as anything we will ever do. When we first admit to ourselves a deeper truth, we feel these overpowering tensions. For some of us, this is a necessary step, which leads to self-knowledge and inner peace. We feel unique, different, alone, and maybe even crazy. For the first time, we are listening to our inner truth rather than outside messages.

Let's think for a moment about today's tensions and strains. Are we really aware of their source? Perhaps they are created by the disturbing honesty of our hearts? We may find our spiritual growth in yielding to the truth. When we are cynical about spiritual experience or when we minimize the importance of our soft-spoken inner wisdom, we are avoiding the truth from our hearts. And we miss the possibility of becoming strong from within.

Today, I will live through the tension and fear of my honesty to reach the point of peace with myself.

Acceptance

“And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life’s terms, I could not be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.”

Alcoholics Anonymous, 4^th Edition, pg. 417

Two People

Any experienced soccer player will tell you that team work is the only way to win a game.  No one player can defeat the other team on his own.  One can try but time and time again he will be knocked down, loose the ball, and eventually will be pulled out due to selfish play.  The sports I play tend to mimic my life and in the game of life we cannot do it alone.  We try and often we find ourselves in the place full of irritability and discontent.  It is pertinent that we show apprecaition and love for the people that do their part to help us survive day to day.  Tonight I want to show my gratitude and love for two people that have been more than supportive...  One has been there a life time and the other is new to my life but is just as supportive as the other.  It is almost as if he has been there all along.

The first person I want to show my gratitude for is my sponsor.  Tony has been truly amazing over the last year.  I met Tony in early December of last year and immediately asked him to be my sponsor.  In the last ten months Tony has been kind, gently, honest and firm.  He has helped me find my way to God and has played a huge roll in helping me loose the obsession to use drugs and alcohol. Tony's relationship with his higher power has been a beacon for me and has helped guide me in the search for my own.  He has never judged me and he always has time for a kind word and is quick to point out the positive, especially when I am deep in that negative hole.  I truly believe that God puts people in our life that will inspire and motivate us when we need it the most. Tony, I am forever grateful for everything you have done for me and you and your family will always be in my prayers.  You are an amazing friend and an even better sponsor.  I could not have made a better decision.

The next second person I want to show my appreciation for but in no way is she the lowest on the list.  When people talk about unconditional love and true support my little sister Corrin is the person that comes to my mind first.  I can remember clear as day the weekend I decided to leave Denver.  I was manic, high as kite, and completely out of my mind after a run in with the police.  Corrin was out of town at our cousins wedding and yet she found time to spend hours on the phone with me.. I cannot remember what was said, I am sure there was a lot of crying on my end and I probably didn't make any sense.  What I do remember is her telling me that everything will be okay.  Corrin has never let me down.  She is always supportive and defends me to end whether I am right or wrong.  She always calls me on my bullshit.  She does not hesitate to make sure that I am never alone and is always helpful in helping me understand the ways of God, which are so new and always confusing to me.  Corrin always pushes me to love harder, eat healthier and to do my part in my community.  She leads by example and is by far the strongest, wisest, woman I have ever known.  She has also given me one of the greatest blessings of my life, my niece, Adelaide Amanda.  She brings me so much joy and makes me forget all the pain of life when she is in my arms.  It is a really funny thing  how an infant can make me feel so safe.  Corrin my hat is off to you.  You are an asset to mankind and I strive everyday to follow your lead and to be an older brother you can be proud of.  I will never have the words to tell you or anyone else how much I love you and how lucky I am to have you.  You are a light in my life that never fades.  I am eternally grateful for you little sister.  May your life be blessed with everything you ever want and need.  I love you!

My life has been far from easy this year and I have gone to places in my mind that no one should ever have to suffer through.  I have been blessed in having Tony and Corrin to hold my hand to and to guide me and fill my heart with love to make sure that I will come out on the other end.  SO if you have someone in your life that are like these two, take the time to love them back.  Take the time to tell them thank you for all that they do.  Let them know they are appreciated !

Sunday, September 16, 2012

You are reading from the book Touchstones

Sit loosely in the saddle of life.
  —Robert Louis Stevenson

Sitting loosely in the saddle is an image of detachment for us. Detachment doesn't mean we stop caring. It means we have an inner wisdom telling us what we can control and what we cannot. When we go to meetings and hear fellow members struggling with temptations to return to old behaviors, we need to detach. When family members or friends are engaged in an addiction, we need to sit loosely in the saddle by caring, but not protecting them from the results of their behavior. Sometimes close friends will be "off base" in the way they talk to us. We practice detachment by not being reactive to the person but being responsive to the inner message of what kind of men we wish to be.

We can't control another person's behavior toward us. Our inner security will never come from how someone else behaves. The most helpful thing we can do for someone is to listen and care; then we need to be ready to let go of the outcome.

I will accept the limits of my control over others. I will care and let go.

Revenge

Sunday, September 16, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Revenge

No matter how long we've been recovering, no matter how solid our spiritual ground, we may still feel an overwhelming desire at times to punish, or get even, with another person.

We want revenge.

We want to see the other person hurt the way he or she has hurt us. We want to see life deal that person just rewards. In fact, we would like to help life out.

Those are normal feelings, but we do not have to act on them. These feelings are part of our anger but it's not our job to deal justice.

We can allow ourselves to feel the anger. It is helpful to go one step deeper and let ourselves feel the other feelings - the hurt, the pain, the anguish. But our goal is to release the feelings, and be finished with them.

We can hold the other person accountable. We can hold the other person responsible. But it is not our responsibility to be judge and jury. Actively seeking revenge will not help us. It will block us and hold us back.

Walk away. Stop playing the game. Unhook. Learn your lesson. Thank the other person for having taught you something valuable. And be finished with it. Put it behind, with the lesson intact.

Acceptance helps. So does forgiveness - not the kind that invites that person to use us again, but a forgiveness that releases the other person and sets him or her free to walk a separate path, while releasing our anger and resentments. That sets us free to walk our own path.

Today, I will be as angry as I need to be, with a goal of finishing my business with others. Once I have released my hurt and anger, I will strive for healthy forgiveness - forgiveness with boundaries. I understand that boundaries, coupled with forgiveness and compassion, will move me forward.

Forever Grateful

Saturday, September 15, 2012

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Getting Through Hard Times

We are sturdy beings. But in many ways, we are fragile. We can accept change and loss, but this comes at our own pace and in our own way. And only God and we can determine the timing.
  —Codependent No More

Hard times, stressful times, are not all there is to life, but they are part of life, growth, and moving forward.

What we do with hard times, or hard energy, is our choice.

We can use the energy of hard times to work out, and work through, our issues. We can use it to fine-tune our skills and our spirituality. Or we can go through these situations suffering, storing up bitterness, and refusing to grow or change.

Hard times can motivate and mold us to bring out our best. We can use these times to move forward and upward to higher levels of living, loving, and growth.

The choice is ours. Will we let ourselves feel? Will we take a spiritual approach, including gratitude, toward the event? Will we question life and our Higher Power by asking what we're supposed to be learning and doing? Or will we use the incident to prove old, negative beliefs? Will we say, "Nothing good ever happens to me... I'm just a victim... People can't be trusted... Life isn't worth living"?

We do not always require hard energy, or stress, to motivate us to grow and change. We do not have to create stress, seek it, or attract it. But if it's there, we can learn to channel it into growth and use it for achieving what's good in life.

God, let my hard times be healing times.

I Concede

The other day my therapist asked me if I was "willing" to finally let go of the girl and move on with my life.  She said then and only then will I be able to allow someone into my life that truly loves me for who I am.  Well after a little over two years, I am conceding.  You win honey.  For two years I have always been able to see the good in you and the great we could be but that was never enough for you to see past the bad in me.  So now I give in.  I will no longer fight for you and the love we once shared.  Today, September 14, 2012, ten months into my sobriety, I, Erin, surrender yet again.  I tried as hard as I could to give you the love and support that you needed, but in the end, you just did not want it.  I am very grateful that you are sober today, and I guess that was truly our purposes in each others lives.  I am going to leave you with a quote from an email I received from her back in June.

I only want to leave you with this:  No matter how horrible and toxic I have been for you and your happiness, I value our relationship and the connection that we had more than words.  I am forever grateful that you were here for me when I was close to losing everything to encourage and push me to make this change.  I most certainly would not have done it without you.  It is the greatest gift I have ever received. 

Take Care,

Brandi

Goodbye

Now I will reward myself with Widespread Panic tickets!

Sept 12, 2012

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

You are reading from the book Touchstones

Not all fights are bad; in fact they are preferable to disciplined serenity.
—William Atwood

A good relationship includes some disagreement. Anger and disagreement, when we express them respectfully, are important ways of renewing communication and breaking through the walls that sometimes built up. No relationship can tolerate constant fighting. But, when we don't agree with someone, we owe it to that person to speak up and follow through to resolution. We can promise ourselves and the other person that we will stay in the relationship through the disagreement. It is because we care that we fight.

In any relationship we care about, there will be differences. When we avoid all confrontations, our relationships go stale because all emotional issues are avoided. Carefulness and over control undermine love because they don't give it room to breathe, but disagreement and anger expressed in honest and respectful ways will help love grow.

Today, I pray for the courage to acknowledge my disagreements and angry feelings with others and to deal with their feelings toward me.

Healing

We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity... We should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life, gradually giving way . . . to the new weaving of a pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible challenge of life.
—Joshua Loth Liebman

Honest, Open Minded and Willing

Tonight I am sore and exhausted. These physical feelings coincide with some emotional exhaustion as well.  Tonight I went to a new men's meeting looking for some new solutions to the issues in my life that are causing me to ask God why. What I learned first is that I have to be honest with myself about a lot of things.  I have to be honest with myself and understand that life is never going to go the way I want or plan for it to.  This does not mean don’t have a plan or “reasonable expectations”.  I will never dig myself out of the debt I have or MAYBE be financially comfortable without a plan.  But shit will happen…  Jobs will be lost and gained, but I have to hold my head up high and realize things are out of my control and that I am not always going to have a part to change in either situation.  It is just something that happens and it happens to everyone.  I also have to be honest and open minded enough to accept people for who they are and realize that they will never change. I can only try to do the next right thing and worry about keeping my side of the street clean…  I also have to understand that just because I do these things it does not mean that people won’t let me down.  It is the nature of any relationship…  I am not perfect and I will let people down and them me.  This is life.  So, now I have to be willing to grow.  I have to be willing to maintain my physical and emotional sobriety at all costs.  I have to be willing to go to any lengths to achieve this goal…  Do I know exactly what those things are?  I know what I have to do to remain physically sober.  The emotional sobriety is the hard part.  I don’t have these answers.  All I know is that I have to go to meetings and share about the pain at the beginning of the meeting so hopefully I can get the solution that I need.  I have to be willing to change my way of thinking.  I have to be willing to learn to forgive myself more so that I can forgive others.  I have to be willing to learn that I am not always right or wrong.  I have to be willing to let go and love from afar.  I have to be open minded enough and willing to believe that as long as I don’t pick up another drink or drug I will be ok.  I have to believe that my faith in a higher power of my understanding will get me through… Otherwise what is the point?  Just for today!

Last but not least, I am grateful tonight for all the love I have in my life.  I have so much support.  I am very lucky.  I know there are those with a lot less.  I am also very grateful tonight for the opportunity to be playing soccer again.  I do believe this will be a big part of getting back the old Erin that existed long before drugs and alcohol.  For me it is 90 minutes were nothing is wrong in the world!

5 Things Expected of Me Now That I am Sober

I had heard my friend Bill share this in a meeting once, I believe we were talking about expectations of other people and of ourselves.  He said a great way to get to people to take a look at themselves  once you have become sober is to ask them 5 things they expect of you now that you are sober.  Well I posed this very question to someone who is no longer in my life.  She replied with loyalty, honesty, kindness, love, and patience...  Dictionary.com defines loyalty as the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.  Loyal is defined as faithful to any leader, party, or cause, or to any person or thing conceived as deserving fidelity: a loyal friend.  I guess she did not get the memo on loyalty.  Anyways, what is done is done, and I have to live my life true to the principals of AA.  I know I am not now, nor will I ever be perfect, but like we say, progress not perfection.  The last few weeks have beat my ass just as much if not more than any three week bender ever did...  But I am here sober, feeling it all with an open heart, and a very clear conscience.  The really nice part is knowing that I am loyal, honest, kind, loving and as patient as I can be.  Last night I spent about three hours putting the last two and a half months with her into my own words...  After some contemplation it occurred to me that nothing good would come from me sharing all that with all of you.  Although it is some of my best writing to date, all that hurt and pain needs to be kept exactly where it is.  I did however share it with her.  That I did feel necessary.  With that being said I feel good.  I feel good with the effort I gave her, the effort I continue to give myself and others. I am a good man with lots of love to give and as long as I continue to stay sober, do the next right thing and believe that God will take care of me, someone will come along that will love me for those 5 things and she will give them in return!  Today will be spent going over my gratitude list in my head and hopefully I can get it on paper tonight.  I will be spending the day with the three women whose love will never fail me, my mother, my sister and Addie my baby niece.  I am so very lucky to have a family that loves me so much...  As the tears run down my face, I will leave you with this...  If I can change, so can you!

God Bless and Happy Saturday!

Letting Go Again!

I wrote earlier in the summer about letting go of a relationship.  I wrote about how toxic the relationship had become and that it was sick with lies, infidelity, and hurt.  Which was the truth.  At the time when I wrote the post I was right in the middle of my 9th step, the one where we in AA make our amends to the people we had harmed.  I knew at the time that I had an amends to make to the other half of the relationship that was so sick.  It was not all her that had done wrong.  Although I will claim my piece of the high road and NOT use my disease as an excuse to go out and sleep with someone else.  Anyways, I was worried about making the amends to her because I knew opening that line of communication could be deadly for me. So I wrote the first Letting Go entry, and discussed how low of a place, much lower than the drugs and alcohol, this relationship had taken me.  It took me to the darkest, scariest place that I swore I would never go back to.  Well after I wrote the entry, I received an email from her the next day.  The email went something like this.  I am sorry for this, I am sorry for that, you were always in my heart, now that I am sober I have seen the damage I have caused, I could not have got sober with out you,  and how special our relationship was to her and how near and and dear to her heart it was.    So instead of doing what I knew in my head was right I listened to that place in my heart that still loved her and replied.  At this point we had not spoke in almost two months. Before we got on the phone I prayed for guidance and planned to make my amends first thing in the conversation. Immediately I made my amends to her as soon as we got on the phone, and I truly felt as though God had lifted all the pain from the lies, and the cheating, all of it.  Once again I will clarify here, I did not do the lying or the cheating.  Things were good.  She was telling me that I made her happier than she had ever been, and that my love was so special, and everything felt right and easy and most of all she loved me.  Foolish, so foolish of me to think that this was true, but I did.  I finally felt that everything had come full circle.  She was sober, I was sober and we were in love and my life was finally on the way to where I wanted it to be with the woman I love.  A week later I land the perfect sales job that would get me on my feet and back to her in Colorado.  Everything was great, my life was fantastic...  Heck she was even reading to me out of her journal the things she had written about me, how much she loved me, what was she thinking being with this other guy and on and on and on...  Now who would not believe that?  I am going to interject here, the reason I am sharing so much of this is because I feel that the truth must come out...  I know that there are a whole lot of folks that always saw me as the bad guy or the wrong guy or what ever...  SO I feel as though the truth must be told. Ok, so where was I?  Everything was grand.  The 9th step promises were coming true.  I had worked my steps, worked with my sponsor, gone to meetings, and life was coming together for me for the first time ever.  Great woman, great job, great friends, sober and ready to bust my ass to get back to Colorado.  We were so excited and in love we had planned for me to visit her when she was home in North Carolina visiting her parents for the fourth...  Well I eventually decided this was probably not a good idea seeing that her mother thought I was a huge fucking loser and she needed time to focus on her family.  This brought me great accolades and now this unselfish act had made her love for me grow more than ever she said.  So we decided that she would use a voucher she had and fly me out at the end of August to Denver for my birthday. Aint life grand!  As time went on the I love you's became less and less and at the end of her trip home I get an email saying she was sorry, that she did not want to be here again with me but she was not ready to be in a relationship with me and that I would not be coming to Denver and she needed time to focus on her self and her sobriety... Knowing how to handle the situation, I told her I still loved her and she said she still loved me and that everything would be ok and I would give her the time she needed to heal...  Well as usual this lasted all of about a week and we were back at it again.  I texted every day, she called every day.  I always left the calling up to her.  I WAS NOT GOING TO CALL...  If she wanted to talk, that was up to her and so she did every day like clock work.  Finally in an effort to give her the space she needed we decided to only talk once a week...  The first week went ok and when we did finally talk, the I love yous and I miss yous flew around and we got on a conversation we had previously had about the birthday present she was going to buy me...  At first she mentioned that she had thought about buying me a pocket watch and having it engraved with some special saying about time.  I told her the only thing I wanted for my birthday was to see her.  So she said she would sleep on it.  Two days later she bought me a ticket to Denver and I took the time off from work.  Everything had seem to gotten back on track and I was headed home to see my baby for my 38th birthday.  This was going to be very special for me since it would be my first birthday sober in 20 years.  In the meantime home was great, job was great, AA was amazing.  I had started a new beginners meeting, picked up my first sponsee, life could not have been better.  In the next two weeks we would go on to make dinner reservations, camping reservations in Vail, all the things you do when you plan a visit like this.  Well as the day got closer, she started to get really snappy with me.  I chalked it up to her just being bitchy and getting nervous. My ticket was set for Thursday August 16th.  On Sunday August 12th I received a message from her, stating that I would be excited about the meal she was going to cook for me and have ready when I arrived in Denver.  Skip forward to Monday night and well lets just say in 30 hours something had changed.  The what ifs kicked in...  I got angry, seeing that we were waiting to the last minute to discuss issues that should have been being discussed all along.  We were on the phone all night but had finally come to a resolution and she said she felt better having discussed her feelings and we went to bed.  Around 10 am the next morning I got a text message that said "check your email".  Immediately I got a huge lump in my throat.  This email read something like this..  I have cancelled your flight, i do not feel like it is healthy for us to see each other right now.  My indecision is not good for me or you. Please do not contact me... Now, I will let you guess about the one part of our relationship that wasnt damaged.  We were very open about a lot of things with each other and I had shared about thinking about her in my "special alone time" when things were not good between us and it always made me feel better.  But somehow this was completely misread and used as a reason to call the whole thing off.  Oh and I punched a hole in the wall the night before, on accident...  This too she said was a reason for us not to see each other.  But the best part was the cancellation receipt that was attached and the lack of an I am sorry or anything of the sort....  Immediately I saw red...  After all the shit we had been through and all things I had forgiven her for came flying back into my head and I unleashed them all on her.  All the things I have never said over the last two years came flying out. It was bad...  I will tell on my self here a bit... I will spare you all the details but I used the c word and many more...  I will admit I was in the wrong and I have tried to apologize as best I could, but since she has blocked my phone...  We wont be speaking any time soon...  So now here we are three weeks later..  How do I feel?  I feel terrible!  All of this could have been avoided...  What it comes down to is she never wanted me in the first place.  It is all about one thing... The attention I give her.  All the times I have been supportive.  All the times I have told her she was the most beautiful woman on the planet....  All the times I told her I loved her...  All the times well you get the point...  And the best part is the friends in her life with shitty boyfriends that degrade them like shit telling her how bad I was! Or the single friends that could only get with a married co worker, that told her I was not good enough!  HA!  So now feeling the way I do, and going back and reading that first Letting Go post...  I am quickly reminded of the pain that I have endured from all the lies and all the bullshit I have been through...  Who acts this way?  And why do I fall for it every time?  She never ever loved me at all.  Never not once were my best interest at the top of her list.  Now I feel like I was wrong all along.  Nothing has changed...  I have never been nor will I ever be a priority in this woman's life...  I was never truly loved...  Yet I was the one that begged for her to get sober.  I was the one that cried with her.  And like she said in the email, I was the one that was there, keeping her from losing it all. She said this was the best gift she had ever been given. So now I will walk away..  I gave it the best I could.  I showed her as much love and support as one person could. I was there when no one else was!  I wish things were different but they are not... And she wonders why I think that she does not care.  So one day, and this will never happen, I hope she realizes how much of myself I gave and how little I got in return....  I will leave you with this.  The best thing she ever did for me was call the police on me!  Done!