Tuesday, June 12, 2012


It is Tuesday, June 12th, 1:49 AM EST and I am sitting here on the balcony of my condo on Hilton Head Island listening to Widespread Panic playing Fire on the Mountain from the Athens shows last February, reflecting on the last few days and enjoying the slight tinge of pain that only a sunburn from a great day at the beach can cause.  The last three days have been such a blessing.  I will be amazed if I can write all of this without crying.   For as long as I can remember I have been spiritually vacant, well up until the point I decided to change my life, admit that I had a problem with drugs and alcohol and get the help that I needed.  Part of the 12 step program is rebuilding that spiritual life that is lost during active addiction.  It is said that one cannot stay sober without the connection and faith in a higher power of ones understanding.  I always believed that there was something greater out there but I was in such a bad place I thought God had turned his back on me, especially during the last two years. In two days I will have seven months of sobriety, and with an open mind and heart, I can honestly say that I have reconnected with a God of my understanding.  In my AA meeting this morning an individual shared about the exact subject  I have been praying about for the last few days in regards to someone I need to make an amends to.  I cried, it was so moving.  It took all of my power not to weep with tears of joy, pain, and GRATITUDE.  Then once I arrived back at the condo from my meeting I received even more information on what I have been praying for.  I share these words tonight because I now truly believe in the power of prayer and that as long as I continue to build a relationship with my higher power, I WILL STAY CLEAN AND SOBER!

Today I had the wonderful experience of catching up with yet another old friend that I began on my path of self destruction with.  I first met this friend in the spring of 1992, and the two of us, got after our partying full force.  Today, was the first time we genuinely spoke since 2005, i think.  It was definitely the first time we have a had a conversation sober in at least 10 years.  Today he has changed his life and has a beautiful family and is no longer the wild and crazy person who I loved and feared for so many years.  I wont go into all the details of our conversation but he shared with me taking a life long friend into his home for hospice.  This to me is as selfless an action as one could ever do.  After he shared this with me we went on to discuss how deadly this disease is and it is only by the grace of god we lived to tell our tale!  I am very proud of you old friend, I love you, and I cannot wait to see you when I get home!  This my friends is a miracle!

Last but not least I once again want to share my complete humility and gratitude for the people in my life right now.  My family is so loving and supportive, I have no idea where I would be with out them.  Mom, Dad, Corrin and Craig, I love you so much.  Thank you for rescuing me from the depths of hell.  You guys have given me my life back... This is a gift I can only repay with my diligence to work my program as hard as I can and protect my sobriety with everything I have, because without it, I have nothing.  Corrin and Craig, y'all have given me such a beautiful niece, that I am so proud to have.  I cannot put into words the joy she brings me when she is in my arms.  I knew I would not make it through all this with out bawling...  God, it feels so good just to let it all out!  OK, now that the tears are out, I have a few more people to mention.  Jason, Geoffry, Brian, Chase, Annie, Tiffany, Aaron, Adam,Marcie, Kim, and Tony, I am so grateful for you.  Your experience, strength, and hope keep me coming back.  I am blessed to have such a wonderful group of new friends.  God has put you guys in my life and he talks to me everyday through each and every one of you.  You guys help me everyday to stay sober and for that I am eternally grateful.

OK, that's all for tonight.  One more smoke and I am off to bed.  I have an early breakfast date with a young lady named Adelaide Amanda Baines and a walk on the beach!  I love you all!

1 comment:

  1. Erin: Beautiful and heartfelt. We ALL love you! And yes, you do have an amazing family! There is meaning in the words "keep the faith". Sometimes when life is bleakest that tiny pinpoint of light is all we have to assure us and sometimes we cannot even see that. But when we get to the end of the dark tunnel and realize that the pinpoint was actually the full sunshine just waiting for us to walk forward to, it is a life changing experience. Love ya...Pam