Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Found Out How Tall I Am

      I thought it would be appropriate that I listen to some Widespread Panic tonight while I write.  I am hoping the sweet sounds of Michael Houser's guitar take my mind to the places it needs to go so I can get all the right words out.  I keep listening to Proving Ground over and over and I think about how those words relate to my life today. I think I can apply most of the lyrics to the past year of my life.  Especially when I follow it up with The Last Straw.  I think that is actually where I will start all of this.  On November 4th, 2011 the last straw had finally been pulled.  After a short yet disturbing interaction with the Denver Police I knew I could go on no longer living a very deadly lifestyle.  I knew as I stared at that cop, if I did not change I would definately end up in jail or dead.  And just like the lyrics to Proving Ground, "Find out how tall I am, by jumping in the middle of the river," I headed back east to get sober.  That was 365 days ago tomorrow... Here is my experience, strength, and hope from the past year.

     It has been one hell of a year.  There is no doubt about that.  To compare it to a roller coaster would not do it justice.  It has absolutely been the hardest year of my life.  After much reflection I realize that I have learned quite a few lessons this year.  Like all lessons they are positive whether the felt good or not.  Here are a few that come to mind in no particular order.  Be careful who you trust, real friends are hard to find, and shit happens. Trust in God.  Go to meetings, work the steps, get a sponsor, help other drug addicts and alcoholics and you will stay sober.  Of course there have been more but I would have to say that these were the big ones.  Oh and GROW THE FUCK UP. The best part about coming out of a twenty year black out is having raw emotions to go along with these lessons that I have learned.  Emotions not masked with mood altering substances to pick me up and put a smile on my face, fake or real.  The last ten years of my life or more I drank and used for every reason.  Break ups, new jobs ,lost jobs, holidays, concerts, shit I even liked to use the sun as an excuse.  If it was a pretty day lets go tear it up.  So now that I have these raw emotions, mixed up with some hard lessons, betrayal, heartbreak, financial woes, and newly found sobriety.  I have been an emtional shit show the past year.  Thankfully I learned those other lessons quickly about going to meetings and all the other 12 step stuff.  I honestly say I could not have stayed sober with out them.  I am able to use the tools I have been taught through these programs to learn that I dont have to stay in active addiction any longer and keep digging that hole.  Today, I have no reason to get fucked up.  Now does that mean I dont think about it.  No, I do think about it.  I think about a great rock show, spun out of my head, with out a care in the world.  But that is not how it works for me today.  Those days are long gone.  Now all that is left is jails, institutions,and death.

     Speaking of jails, institutions, and death, when I first got back to Atlanta, my mother would say to me "Believe it or not, God kept your ass out of trouble, and alive for a really long time."  I would cringe in those early days when she would say that.  I still had a lot of anger and resentment towards God.  And when I say God, it is a God of my understanding, what makes sense to me.  I could not believe that such a loving God would have turned his back on me.  There was actually a point in my life that I was contemplating a tattoo that consisted of a broken heart and the word forsaken.  How fucking stupid is that?  Now that I have had some time to work on my relationship with God, I was not the forsaken one.  He was.  I had turned my back on my beliefs and that God I knew as a child by polluting my mind, body, and soul with all that crap.  And then like a dumb ass, would ask, why me God.  Now I realize it was not luck that kept my heart from exploding so many nights, it was God.  It was God, that kept me from going to jail that fateful night in Denver.  It was God, that slapped me in the face, and told me if I did not change I was going to die.  Today, I am grateful for that slap.  Today, knowing what I know, I pray.  Some days are better than others.  Some times I am more connected that others.  But today, if I know anything at all, is to TRY and do Gods will.  And most days I have no idea what that is accept to stay sober.  And today, that is enough for me.

     As I start on this last paragraph I started Proving Ground over again.  repetition and consistency is good for this drug addict and alcoholic...  Any ways.  If you have not figured it out yet, that river I jumped into was sobriety.  For the first time in my adult life, I have been sober for one entire year.  By jumping in that river I found out how tall I am.  I learned how to take a punch like a big boy and not completely piss my self.  That is what I needed most.  To learn how to be tall again.  To learn how to be confident and full of faith.  Of course there is a large amount of humility to learn but like we say, progress not perfection.

Proving Ground

Written by Widespread Panic

I really wanna move like I'd like to
Sometimes I remember myself
I really wanna feel like I'm supposed to
Sometimes I remember how to feel


How did I find myself just this way
My body keeps on moving
But my style gets in my way


Find out just how tall I am
By jumping in the middle of a river


Well, we were shaking cliches like we used to
You just remember the smell
Breaking my brain like a boy who just
Can't forget her smell


Now, how do you like the way I drive
Take us a little bit different way every next time (time)


Find out just how dry I am
By jumping the middle of a river


Find out just how tall I am
How tall I am


I really wanna move like I'd like to
Sometimes I remember myself
I really wanna feel like I'm supposed to
Sometimes I remember how to feel


How did I find myself just this way
My body keeps moving
But my thoughts get in the way


Find out just how tall I am
By jumping in the middle


7 comments:

  1. Congratulations on one year. Life is good, even when bad things happen.

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  2. There's a lot of wisdom here and I know it didn't come easy. Thanks for sharing your truth. God bless you in your journey and congrats on your one year anniversary/rebirth!!

    Summer

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  3. Awesome! Smile and be proud for that one year mark. It's a new day, a new life.

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  4. Good stuff fellow traveler. Thanks for sharing!

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  5. Oh, and CONGRATS, feels great doesn't it???

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