Grateful

I just realized as I began to type these will be my first written words of my 38th year on this earth.  I cannot believe how fast this year has gone by.  It feels like just yesterday I was staring at those cops on the night of November 4th.  My life is so different and removed from where it use to be.  It truly is a miracle I am not dead or in jail.  Tonight as I reflect and put my life into these words, despite my lack of emotional sobriety, I look back on all that I have achieved this year and I am grateful.  I have been taught through out the last 9 months that when I am feeling irritable or discontent that writing down a gratitude list will put things into perspective and should relieve some of those feelings that I use to not know how to deal with without drugs and alcohol.  So here I am, sore from the gym, with a heavy heart and a head full of recovery trying to express the gratitude I have for all the blessings in my life.  I know most of this I have said before but I am going to say it again.  I am so very grateful to be sober today.  It is such an easier way to live I cannot believe it sometimes.  I never have a hangover, my bank account always has money in it and I am always safe to drive.  Because I am sober today, my family and I have begun the journey of healing.  I have a beautiful baby niece which I see several times a week.  Her smile and laugh are a quick reminder of why I changed my life.  I have a relationship with God today that I have never had.  Albeit I do not always understand his will, I do have faith that I will remain sober.  I have faith that I may not always get what I want but I will always get what I need.  Tonight I am grateful to be a productive and active member of society.  A year ago today I was submersed in a drug subculture, hiding from all the beautiful things life has to offer, such as the sunshine, exercise, and quitting smoking.  I now have a group of friends that I can really depend on for more than a buzz or for gasoline to pour on the flame.  I am so grateful for the tan that I have, the weight I have lost, and the fact I have not smoked a cigarette since July 9th.  I never thought I would be able to quit smoking.  I have been able to get back to work making great money and pay the bills that no longer loom over my head.  Tonight I will go to bed thanking God for all these amazing things instead of hoping that I wont wake up.  This is the greatest blessing of all.

Thoughts on getting older, moving on yet again, living and loving despite illness, and rock n roll sober are all coming very soon...