At the beginning of my recovery I was very unwilling. I was only going to go to certain meetings, I was only open to this or closed off to that. My preconceived misconceptions were going to guide me in my recovery hell or high water. Thankfully, I listened to my sponsor and the people around me. I do not think I would be here writing this today if I had done it my way. I know I have shared this before but I want to emphasize how much of a fighter I was the first 37 years of my life. I fought everyone about everything. I could never take anyone's advice or learn from their mistakes. I had to prove that everyone was wrong. Most of all, I wanted everyone to look at me and see how great I was because I was right. Well, I was wrong. Way wrong. Today, I have finally stopped fighting and am keeping an open mind and my willingness is off the charts. For me at least.
Because of this new found willingness my life has grown leaps and bounds. My willingness to believe that a higher power could restore me to sanity and do for me what I could not do for my self has changed my life completely. Through working the steps with an amazing sponsor I have finally found the God of my understanding. I would have never learned about this new way of life, much less experienced it had I not been willing. I would say it is the one action that has completely removed my stubborn blinders. And for that I am so very grateful.
Despite my very pleasant up brining in the Christian faith, today it is still something that I am very uncomfortable with. It is something that I do not agree with in a lot of ways. Most of all I do not understand it. But, I do believe that my God and the Christian God are one in the same. Mine just does not have a whole book about him. I am not sure if that makes any sense, but it is the best way to explain it. Well, yesterday I had an opportunity to spend some time with my sponsor and go to a Christian meditation/reflection group at a Jesuit retreat center on the Chattahoochee river. The place is very welcoming and serene. I was nervous upon arrival, but I knew I had to remain willing in order to get something out of the experience. The participants were very kind. We had breakfast and coffee together before we started. I was the youngest person there by at least ten years. When we started we went around the room and shared something about who we were. I shared that I had not known God for a long time and was there to help with my new found relationship with him. Two women shared two scriptures and gave us questions on each that related to our own lives. After they were read and their thoughts were shared we all went our own way on the property and took the time to meditate and reflect on the readings and answer the questions. The first reading was on temptations. How appropriate is that? Well needless to say after my time of reflection I had plenty of answers to the questions that were asked. After we reconvened, they asked us to share our answers or thoughts. I went first, which surprised the group I think. I shared my views and thoughts and how they related to my recovery. It was such a surprise that one of the women gave me a big hug when it was all over and commented on how brave she thought I was for sharing all that I did. It was by far one of the best decisions I have made in recovery to attend this seminar. I thuroughly enjoyed it.
What I am happiest about, is the fact that after this weekends events, the changes I have made in my life are becoming visible. I was able to set all my doubts and grievances aside and in return I was given a great experience. This is truly a miracle. I never thought I could be this person I am today. I thought for sure my life was always going to be a struggle in every way. Tonight, I am so humble and full of joy in the changes I have made. Thanks to my program and my willingness, I am slowly becoming the man I always wanted to be. And it feels GREAT!