“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”
I heard in a meeting tonight that hope is faith with a track record. When I look back on working my second step in recovery, I knew I was insane, and I had hoped that the actions I was taking would restore me to sanity. I had the hope that if I believed that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, it would be done. Now, having worked all twelve steps with my sponsor and reworking them again with my sponsee, I can see that taking that leap of faith worked. But, I had to take that first step.
When I finally saw my insanity in a way that I had never seen it on that fateful night on November 4, 2011, I knew I could no longer go on living that life. Looking at those Denver police officers, hearing the toilet still flushing my bag of blow in the background, thinking I was going to jail, I knew my life was completely out of control. The insanity had finally reached its pinnacle. And in turn, I had reached my bottom, right there on Columbine street. At this point, I believe that my mind opened, honestly, for the first time. I could fight no more. I was willing to do whatever it took to never be in that moment ever again. I knew, it was all downhill from there if I did not change my ways. I had to get help or I would surely die.
My sponsor broke it down to me in very simple terms. At two months sober, I needed everything to be simple. I was broken and damaged and he knew exactly how to explain this step so my polluted mind could understand and accomplish what I needed to. He said first we came. You came to this 12 step program to get help. Then, you came to believe. I think that belief for me was that I was in the right place and this program could work if I worked it. Then he said, you came to believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity. I remember this moment vividly. I believed that with my sponsor having twenty plus years of sobriety that these steps had worked for him so they had to work for me. All I had at that time was hope. What did I have if I didn’t? A life full of pain, misery, and a horrible death was what was left for me if I did not have hope. SO, I leaped, with both feet, into uncharted waters. No human being, including myself, had been able to restore me to sanity in 36 years, so I had to believe that this would work.
It has now been over a year since I first worked step two with my sponsor. Now that the fog has lifted and the pain and misery have subsided, I fully believe that my higher power did for me what I could not do for myself. Today, my mind is the calmest and quietest it has ever been. Even before drugs and booze I was completely out of my mind and that is not the case today. I do believe, however, that my higher power did not necessarily, intervene in my life and restore me to sanity. What he did do was give me a daily reprieve by showing me the next right step to take to restore myself to sanity. He gave me the opportunity to put in the work to achieve the sanity I have today. And just so I am clear, the sanity I have today, is not a clean slate. I will always be insane; the difference is that I have tools today, to keep me as sane as I possibly can be. If I deviate from this path, the insanity will come back with a vengeance and my life will become unmanageable again, and I will surely relapse. So, I take life day by day, doing what I need to for myself to prepare for the next. It has taken a lot of practice, prayer, and pain to learn what to do and not to do. The nice thing is that everything I do came in the form of simple suggestions in this program. I am not perfect in these actions every day. I am however progressing in a matter that shows growth and for that I am grateful.
I have found a beautiful and simple substitute for drugs and alcohol today. I will continue to do what is suggested, and I know I will be ok. I no longer have any urge or thought to drink or drug. I am warm and safe in God’s hands. I will continue to be grateful for all that I have especially my sobriety and sanity. And in that I will continue to find a little bit of humility, which reminds me to give what I have away. Today, I am sober and my life is manageable by the grace of God.