Monday, May 14, 2012
Trust is a funny thing for me. Unlike most addicts my trust issues are opposite from the usual. For as long as I can remember I have always given trust with reckless abandon. Never thinking to be hesitant to give it. Even in my childhood I can remember giving unearned trust. I would not wait to see how things would go before opening myself up to someone. That trust could be earned in a conversation, a brief moment in time was all it took. Now that I am making my list of people I need to make amends to I am realizing that this has been a dangerous mistake in my life. All the anger and resentments over all the years mostly stem from choosing to trust those who were not worthy. Girlfriends will cheat, brothers will betray you, people will take as much as they can get. This dates back much further than my drug use. So after sharing about this in a meeting tonight, I realize that I have to be way more picky about the people I allow into my life. I use to pride myself on being an open book and not letting my poor choices in people allow me to become jaded. Now, I have something just as, if not more important, than my heart to protect. My sobriety. We hear in the rooms to guard our sobriety with everything we have. Now I understand that means keeping people at a distance and letting them earn their way in to my life. My poor taste in running mates has had me accused of trying to sleep with their girlfriends twice ( 15 years after learning the lessons of being a scum bag), ex girlfriends almost getting me arrested, and people that I have loved unable to man up and admit to their betrayal. And these are just the things that have happened in the last year. I could go on for days about the things way before I became an addict. I don't regret the past, but tonight, I realized I cannot shut the door on it and I MUST learn from my mistakes. I have to guard my sobriety from all things that could put it at risk. I can no longer give out that trust like a young child... I must protect my self from those PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS, that are so very dangerous for me! Six months in to this new life and I learn so much about my self everyday! I am very grateful today for the family and friends that I can trust and who have stood beside through out the last 6 months. The last four being the hardest and darkest of my life!