Thursday, February 23, 2012
At the beginning of my sobriety I was under the belief that everything in my life was immediately going to change for the better. I truly believed that all of my problems would go away and I was going to get everything in life I had ever wanted. The woman who I had loved for so long had finally committed to being in a relationship, I had stopped using cocaine and had lost the obsession to use it, and I had a new job that was going to make me the money I needed to get back on my feet immediately. I was going to meetings everyday, I was hitting the gym everyday, loosing weight, deeply in love and happy. I felt as though I had finally reached a place in life that I had been looking for. Now it was not perfect by any stretch. I did still live with my parents in Atlanta, but I had plans to get back to Colorado. My job was not paying me what I wanted but that would soon change and my girlfriend drank too much. All these things in my mind were going to get better the longer I stayed sober, My life was not perfect, but for the first time in as long as I could remember I was happy. My plans were set. I was going to stay sober, make the money and get back to Colorado and get to work on the future I have always wanted. All of this was going to happen, in my mind, simply because I was no longer using drugs and alcohol. Well was I wrong. Somewhere around my 60 day sober mark, my relationship with my girlfriend went to hell, the job was not moving as quickly as I thought it would and this was crippeling. The two things in my life I was so sure about were crashing down around me. How could this be happening? I am sober now. This is not how things are suppose to be. I have changed so I should not be dealing with this kind of crap anymore... The depression set in and soon I realized that I was dealing with emotions with a clear mind which had not happened in almost twenty years... Things hurt now. Reality hurt. Being the self loather that I am as an addict and alcoholic, I figured I would take it one step further and take an honest hard look at my financial situation... Ha! Well here is where we are now... The girlfriend is gone, I am 37 living with my parents, in Atlanta, and I am going to be here for a while. A very long while. I have no plan, I have no idea what to do next nor how to do it. In some ways I feel as though I have hit a new bottom... An emotional bottom with depths I have never felt before. I am bored, angry and depressed. But I keep going to meetings, talking with my sponsor and other addicts and alcoholics, and most of all I am not using today.