Thursday, February 23, 2012

Sweet Misery

At the beginning of my sobriety I was under the belief that everything in my life was immediately going to change for the better.  I truly believed that all of my problems would go away and I was going to get everything in life I had ever wanted. The woman who I had loved for so long had finally committed to being in a relationship, I had stopped using cocaine and had lost the obsession to use it, and I had a new job that was going to make me the money I needed to get back on my feet immediately. I was going to meetings everyday, I was hitting the gym everyday, loosing weight, deeply in love and happy.  I felt as though I had finally reached a place in life that I had been looking for.  Now it was not perfect by any stretch.  I did still live with my parents in Atlanta, but I had plans to get back to Colorado.  My job was not paying me what I wanted but that would soon change and my girlfriend drank too much.  All these things in my mind were going to get better the longer I stayed sober,  My life was not perfect, but for the first time in as long as I could remember I was happy.  My plans were set.  I was going to stay sober, make the money and get back to Colorado and get to work on the future I have always wanted.  All of this was going to happen, in my mind, simply because I was no longer using drugs and alcohol.    Well was I wrong.  Somewhere around my 60 day sober mark, my relationship with my girlfriend went to hell, the job was not moving as quickly as I thought it would and this was crippeling.  The two things in my life I was so sure about were crashing down around me.  How could this be happening?  I am sober now.  This is not how things are suppose to be.  I have changed so I should not be dealing with this kind of crap anymore...  The depression set in and soon I realized that I was dealing with emotions with a clear mind which had not happened in almost twenty years...  Things hurt now.  Reality hurt.  Being the self loather that I am as an addict and alcoholic, I figured I would take it one step further and take an honest hard look at my financial situation...  Ha!  Well here is where we are now...  The girlfriend is gone, I am 37 living with my parents, in Atlanta, and I am going to be here for a while.  A very long while.  I have no plan, I have no idea what to do next nor how to do it.  In some ways I feel as though I have hit a new bottom...  An emotional bottom with depths I have never felt before.  I am  bored, angry and depressed.  But I keep going to meetings, talking with my sponsor and other addicts and alcoholics, and most of all I am not using today.

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