I am sitting here at my parent’s kitchen table feeling tired, grateful, and nervous. I am listening to The Black Crowes “Wiser Time” for the fourth or fifth time in the last couple of hours. I keep thinking about the opening lines of the song: “No time left now for shame, horizon behind me, no more pain, windswept stars blink and smile, another song, another mile.” These words completely represent where my heart and mind are tonight. November 14, 2011 I moved back from Denver, Colorado into my parent’s house and started on the long road of sobriety. Tonight on August 3, 2013 I am on the eve of leaving this safe, sober bubble I have built for myself and am heading back out into the big scary world on my own tomorrow. After all the anticipation of the arrival of this date, the moment is here, and a bit of reflection is a must.
This is not the first time I have been sitting where I am tonight, getting ready to move out of my parent’s house. But, tonight will be the last time I will be in this place. The difference this time is that I have managed to make some very significant changes in my life. For the first time since I was 16 years old I have managed to stay sober for longer than a few weeks. Looking back over the years my times of sobriety have been few and far between. I will be turning 39 in 21 days, so do the math. Thankfully, my entire family has grown and we are all a little wiser. We have broken down the barriers of co-dependency and for the first time ever we are all free. It is not until tonight that I have recognized the changes in all of us. This morning my mother and I had a conversation and we agreed this was the last time this will happen. This door is finally closing, for their good and for mine. Where ever my path leads, I am on my own.
Just like in the song, despite what has happened in the past, there is no time or space in my life for shame. What is done is done. I can’t go back and change anything, so I refuse to be ashamed of where I have been and the things I have done. And with that, there is no more looking back at what could have been. No more what ifs, not even one. No more romancing the past with my career, relationships, my family, friends, and money, none of it. No more pain. I have done what was suggested to me and looked at myself with a fine tooth comb, I’ve made my amends, and now I will be on my way without another thought. I will leave that pain with someone better equipped than I to deal with it.
With finally letting go of all that baggage and weight, which I have carried around for a very long time, I will fill that space with the wisdom that has been so generously given to me. I will remember that I am powerless over not only drugs and alcohol, but everything in the world but my own actions. I will continue to grow spiritually, God willing. Most of all I will continue to give back what was freely given to me. I can never expect to keep what I have and value the most if I don’t give it away. I am surely wiser this time, and I humbly prey I can keep this wisdom with me just one more day.
Thank you with all my heart Mom, Dad, Corrin, Craig, Addie, AA, and everyone along the way that has been supportive over the last 21 months. You all have saved my life and I am eternally grateful.