Ramblings

I went to a men’s meeting tonight and the topic was humility.  From what I have learned over the last 11 months, I am not alone in my struggle to find humility.  Without humility I will be as I understand it I will be unable to stay sober and I cannot by truly honest.  In order to be truly humble I have to remember that I am powerless and to constantly work on my conscience contact with my higher power... It is in his will, not mine will I obtain the ever elusive humility… 

                Tonight, feeling bad both physically and emotionally I have a lot to put into words about my lack of humility and my need to be honest.  There are so many questions that I have on this quest I am on to becoming a better person.  Do I need to yell yet again from the mountain top that I am a raging drug addict and alcoholic that lied, cheated and stole my way through twenty years?  I AM powerless over drugs and alcohol, and people too.  Maybe this just needs to be a reexamining of my character defects.  Just because I am sober now does not mean that I am no longer selfish, self-seeking, arrogant, and as much as I hate to admit it full of fear, doubt and guilt.  Tonight, I am full of resentment and lack the grace of forgiveness and my prayers consist of two things.  God help me, and please give her all that she wants in needs in life…    I know this is turning into just one big stream of feelings and thoughts and bullshit but tonight it is all I have.  Tonight all I can do is humbly ask God to remove afore mentioned defects of character and to ask for the open mindedness and willingness to let go and forgive.  I no longer have the relief of escapism through serious mind altering substances, but I do have the ability to be honest and get out the emotions I am feeling… Yes, I do want things to be different.  Yes, I am having a hard time accepting things as they are.  But today, I don’t have to get wasted over them.  As I rapidly approach that anniversary of that night that finally brought me to my knees last November, the memory has been replaying over and over in my head.  Hitting the bottom that night and feeling so desperate.  Looking into the eyes of someone I loved so much and realizing the hell I was living in while I was escorted out by the cops.  That is a memory I have to keep fresh.  I do not ever want to go there again.  SO maybe tonight being sober has to be enough.  I’m not sure any of this makes sense.  Caffeine, steroids, antibiotics and some other medicine I cannot pronounce I have done a number on me tonight….  With that said, I am going to bed.  I have to believe that the longer I am sober the better things will get!