Sweet Misery

At the beginning of my sobriety I was under the belief that everything in my life was immediately going to change for the better.  I truly believed that all of my problems would go away and I was going to get everything in life I had ever wanted. The woman who I had loved for so long had finally committed to being in a relationship, I had stopped using cocaine and had lost the obsession to use it, and I had a new job that was going to make me the money I needed to get back on my feet immediately. I was going to meetings everyday, I was hitting the gym everyday, loosing weight, deeply in love and happy.  I felt as though I had finally reached a place in life that I had been looking for.  Now it was not perfect by any stretch.  I did still live with my parents in Atlanta, but I had plans to get back to Colorado.  My job was not paying me what I wanted but that would soon change and my girlfriend drank too much.  All these things in my mind were going to get better the longer I stayed sober,  My life was not perfect, but for the first time in as long as I could remember I was happy.  My plans were set.  I was going to stay sober, make the money and get back to Colorado and get to work on the future I have always wanted.  All of this was going to happen, in my mind, simply because I was no longer using drugs and alcohol.    Well was I wrong.  Somewhere around my 60 day sober mark, my relationship with my girlfriend went to hell, the job was not moving as quickly as I thought it would and this was crippeling.  The two things in my life I was so sure about were crashing down around me.  How could this be happening?  I am sober now.  This is not how things are suppose to be.  I have changed so I should not be dealing with this kind of crap anymore...  The depression set in and soon I realized that I was dealing with emotions with a clear mind which had not happened in almost twenty years...  Things hurt now.  Reality hurt.  Being the self loather that I am as an addict and alcoholic, I figured I would take it one step further and take an honest hard look at my financial situation...  Ha!  Well here is where we are now...  The girlfriend is gone, I am 37 living with my parents, in Atlanta, and I am going to be here for a while.  A very long while.  I have no plan, I have no idea what to do next nor how to do it.  In some ways I feel as though I have hit a new bottom...  An emotional bottom with depths I have never felt before.  I am  bored, angry and depressed.  But I keep going to meetings, talking with my sponsor and other addicts and alcoholics, and most of all I am not using today.

Drunk Driving

She stood in the kitchen covered in flower.  Her red apron smeared with butter and chocolate. The spring air flowed through the kitchen with smell of blooming dogwoods and fresh cut grass.  Her fore head beaded with sweat from the heat of the oven.  Flour finger prints wrapped around the oversized wineglass.  A bottle of Pinot Grigio sat on the counter among the baking clutter, condensation, pooling at the bottom.  The sun bounced off the green bottle displaying multicolored kaleidoscopes around the open country kitchen.   Jesse hummed to the bluegrass playing in the background as she looked out the window watching her goats graze..  Jesse filled the glass to the brim and quickly gulped down half. 

“Hey baby” Tyler says calmly…  Jesse jumped startled from the surprise of his voice. 

“Hey Hun, you scared me.  How long have you been standing there?”

“I have been watching you for a few minutes,” Tyler exclaims as he grabs Jesse and pulls her close to him, leaning in to kiss her.

“Stop, I’m busy,” Jesse pouts pushing Tyler away.  The smell of booze permeated his nostrils and filled his lungs with anger.  Disappointed he let her go watching her eyes dart around the room.   Tyler backs away rejected.  Jesse refills her wine glass and takes another long sip.

“So, what is going on in here?  You have not baked in months.  It smells great.”  Tyler tells Jesse trying to keep his mind off the nearly empty wine bottle on the counter.

“I just felt like some wine and doing some baking today…  Is that ok with you?”  Jesse bites at Tyler.

Not in the mood for a fight Tyler leaves the room. 

“Axl, come here boy, cmon boy lets go for a walk.”  Immediately the stout Chocolate Lab shoots out the back door and darts across the yard scaring the goats.  Tyler lights a cigarette and walks slowly through the long grass dragging the heels of his boots..

“Axl, get your ball.  Where is your ball?  Axl darts off only to return as quick as he left with the dirty tennis ball in his mouth.  Tyler takes a long drag of his cigarette and pulls the ball from the dog’s mouth and tosses it into the field on the other side of the fence.  Axl darts up and down the fence until  Tyler can get the gate open.

“What are we going to do with her Axl?”  Tyler looks at his dog expecting a response. 

“Even you know something is wrong don’t you?”  Axl nudges Tyler’s leg to throw the ball again.

“Do you think she ever thinks about quitting?  Do you ever wonder if she thinks about the mean tone in her voice that is always there when she is drinking?” Once again expecting or hoping his lab would have some wise wisdom on the state of his alcoholic girlfriend. 

“Hell Axl, some days you love her more than you love me.  What kind of bullshit is that?  You are my dog!”  Tyler yells throwing the ball even further out of frustration.  Tyler and Axl walked the property to the sunset having a one way conversation and playing fetch.

As the sun completely set Tyler and Axl arrived at the back porch..  The lights were all on and he was ready to kiss Jesse. 

“Really?” Tyler yelled after seeing two empty wine bottles on the counter. 

“Babe, where are you?  Hello? Jesse, where are you?”  Tyler waited patiently for an answer.  Quickly he ran upstairs with Axl close at his heels. 

“Maybe she is just taking a nap Axl!”  Tyler says to his dog.  Tyler looks out the window and Jesse’s car is not in the drive way.

“I am so sick of this!  Oh I swear I will slow down on my drinking she says.” Tyler mumbles  to himself mocking Jesse. 

He dials her cellphone to no avail as it rings from the living room.

“I know she is blacked out.  Where on earth could she have gone? Back for more booze I am guessing.”  Tyler has this familiar discussion with himself yet again.

The buzz of his cell phone vibrates from his shirt pocket.

“Babe, are you ok? Where are you? Tyler yells into the phone.

“Mr. Simms? Mr. Simms?” The voice on the phone interrupts Tyler.

“Yes, who is this?”

“Mr. Simms, it is Deputy Rawls with the Guilford County Sheriff’s department.  Are you at home sir?”

“Yes, I am home.  Why what is the matter?  Tell me what is going on?  Tyler yells back into the phone.

“Mr. Simms, I need you to relax.  We have a deputy on the way to you now.  Mr. Simms there has been an accident.  Had Jesse been drinking?”  Deputy Rawls asks in a firm voice.

Gratitude

2/5/2012

As I sit here reflecting on the last few months, listening to the Drive by Truckers, trying to find a way to get out the feelings of frustration and anger that are running through me, I realize that I really do have a lot to be grateful for.  The first thing I am grateful for is the fact that I am still alive… The last day of my using should have killed me…  There were numerous days that I should not have lived through.  All those years I always doubted a higher power, and ultimately I am sure of it now, it was GOD that kept me alive.  I am more than grateful for my wonderful family.  No matter how bad things ever got or how much I lied or stole or abused their love they were always there…  Maybe I could have accomplished this without them, but moving back to Atlanta was the route I chose, so maybe not.  They are very supportive and are happy to see me clear headed and healthy for the first time in almost 20 years.  I am very grateful for Brandi.  Grateful beyond words…  I would not even be here if it was not for her.  She has been there since day one listening, loving, motivating…  Not sure what those first two months would have been like without her…  No matter where she and I end up, I am eternally grateful!  Thank you, I love you!  The next person I cannot fully explain my gratitude for is Jake Warren.  He has answered the phone when I was at my lowest.  He has listened to me cry.  And when I mean cry I mean the kind of crying that no man wants another man to hear.  I never have to question his motives or his loyalty…  He is the one friend, rain or shine, no matter what will always come through for me, and I for him.  He is truly the brother I have never had…  Who else but your real brother would tell you they would smash your nose into your face if you ever snort another line of cocaine?  I am very grateful to be a part of the Warren family and to be healthy and able to participate in his children’s lives.  Speaking of children, Corrin, my little sister, is due in just a few weeks…. Yet another reason to stay sober… I cannot wait to be an uncle…  To be able to teach things like how to kick the soccer ball, or how to tell a great story, and all the other things that uncles get to do!   I have to remember that I am very blessed with wonderful friends and family that are more supporting than I deserve!  Kind of funny this is the song I am listening to as I come to an end of this entry!

The Living Bubba

I wake up tired and I wake up pissed

wonder how I ended up like this

I wonder why things happen like they do

but I don't wonder long cuz I got a show to do

I'm sick at my stomach from the A.Z.T.

Broke at my bank cuz that shit ain't free

but I'm here to stay (at least another week or two)

I can't die now cuz I got another show to do

Don't give me no pity don't give me no grief

Wit till I die for sympathy

Just help me with this amp and a guitar or two

I can't die now cuz I got another show to do

Don't give me no preachin' no self servin'

I ain't no angel but nobody's deserving

I can dance on my own grave, Thank You!

but I can't die now cuz I got another show...

Some people keep saying I can't last long

but I got my bands I got my songs,

liquor, beer, and nicotine to help me along

and I'm drunk and stubborn as they come

chain smoking, guitar picking, til I'm gone

I ain't got no political agenda

Ain't got no message for the youth of America

'cept "Wear a rubber and be careful who you screw"

and come see me next Friday cuz I got another show...

Some people stop living long before they die

Work a dead end job just to scrape on by

but I keep living just to bend that note in two

and I can't die now cuz I got another show...

lyrics by Patterson Hood

music by Drive-by Truckers (Cooley, Hood, Howell, Lane, Neff)

©1998 Soul Dump Music