Tonight I am sore and exhausted. These physical feelings coincide with some emotional exhaustion as well. Tonight I went to a new men's meeting looking for some new solutions to the issues in my life that are causing me to ask God why. What I learned first is that I have to be honest with myself about a lot of things. I have to be honest with myself and understand that life is never going to go the way I want or plan for it to. This does not mean don’t have a plan or “reasonable expectations”. I will never dig myself out of the debt I have or MAYBE be financially comfortable without a plan. But shit will happen… Jobs will be lost and gained, but I have to hold my head up high and realize things are out of my control and that I am not always going to have a part to change in either situation. It is just something that happens and it happens to everyone. I also have to be honest and open minded enough to accept people for who they are and realize that they will never change. I can only try to do the next right thing and worry about keeping my side of the street clean… I also have to understand that just because I do these things it does not mean that people won’t let me down. It is the nature of any relationship… I am not perfect and I will let people down and them me. This is life. So, now I have to be willing to grow. I have to be willing to maintain my physical and emotional sobriety at all costs. I have to be willing to go to any lengths to achieve this goal… Do I know exactly what those things are? I know what I have to do to remain physically sober. The emotional sobriety is the hard part. I don’t have these answers. All I know is that I have to go to meetings and share about the pain at the beginning of the meeting so hopefully I can get the solution that I need. I have to be willing to change my way of thinking. I have to be willing to learn to forgive myself more so that I can forgive others. I have to be willing to learn that I am not always right or wrong. I have to be willing to let go and love from afar. I have to be open minded enough and willing to believe that as long as I don’t pick up another drink or drug I will be ok. I have to believe that my faith in a higher power of my understanding will get me through… Otherwise what is the point? Just for today!
Last but not least, I am grateful tonight for all the love I have in my life. I have so much support. I am very lucky. I know there are those with a lot less. I am also very grateful tonight for the opportunity to be playing soccer again. I do believe this will be a big part of getting back the old Erin that existed long before drugs and alcohol. For me it is 90 minutes were nothing is wrong in the world!