Monday, February 4, 2013

Liar



LIAR
Liar
Liar
The truth you like to bend
Liar
Liar
I don’t accept your amends
Liar
Liar
As you jump from bed to bed
Liar
Liar
I remember all the things you said
Liar
Liar
Do you remember why you are not dead?


Saturday, February 2, 2013

The Time was Wrong

Tonight, I am sitting here at my desk listening to music  like I do on most nights.  I have been doing a little on line shopping, reading and web surfing.  A few minutes ago Dire Strait's Romeo and Juliet shuffled into the mix.  For those of you that dont know, this might be one of the best love songs ever written.  Obviously it is a play on Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.  While I sit hear listening to the song over and over thinking about so much that I have been wanting to put into words.  I guess it is time for me to expose a little bit more of my underbelly and get it all out...  It is time for me to put into words about my broken heart.  It is funny how often I think about how easy it is usually for me to immediately forget about people that have wronged or hurt me.  Typically there is only one shot with me.  Screw me once and we are done for good.  Unfortunately, my feelings for that woman were something beyond anything I have ever felt.  My therapist might not approve of me writing this but oh well.  .  In October of 2010 I thought for sure I had met the one.  Now looking back on it, we were perfect for each other in every aspect except for one thing.  She did not love me back.  I fought hard, including getting sober, to prove how much I loved her and what I was willing to do to make it work.  But in the end, like she said in her last email, "I never loved you."  Those are hard words to hear after she had said"I love you" hundred times over, along with many other things that would have made me think other wise.  It has now been almost 6 months since we last spoke, not including the two emails she sent.  One to end it, and the one to tell me that she never loved me and that she never wanted to see me again.  I really thought after we reconnected this summer, we were finally on our way.  I guess not.  Today, I think about her less and less, but still every day.  I have accepted that we will never speak or see each other again.  I can pretend that I am a big tough guy and say that after all this time it does not hurt any more but that would be a lie.  I guess the part that really hurts the worst is knowing the people that never really gave  a shit about how far she had fallen are still in her life but I am not.  She probably has denied most of this and would never admit to any one else that I was the one there that kept her from losing everything. I know the truth and that is all that matters.  I have finally decided that I am going to leave women alone for a long time.  No need in getting mixed up with anyone else until my heart has had time to heal.  And as much as I would like for this healing process to be a quick one, it is not.  I am going to use this time to focus on myself.  I have so much to accomplish in the next few years.  Hopefully the right person will come along and they will be able to love me back.  In the mean time, I love the person that I have become, whether you do or not! As, I listen to the sweet sound of Mark Knopfler's dobro, this is line that bites to the bone, "How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals".

Romeo and Juliet

Songwriters: KNOPFLER, MARK
A lovestruck Romeo sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
Finds a streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it?


Juliet says hey it's Romeo, you nearly gimme me a heart attack
He's underneath the window she's singing hey la my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here singing up at people like that
Anyway what you gonna do about it?


Juliet the dice were loaded from the start
And I bet and you exploded in my heart
And I forget I forget the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?


Come up on different streets they both were streets of shame
Both dirty both mean yes and the dream was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?


When you can fall for chains of silver you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything you promised me thick and thin yeah
Now you just say oh Romeo yeah you know I used to have a scene with him


Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die
And there's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?


I can't do the talk like they talk on tv
And I can't do a love song like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything but I'd do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you


And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat, the bad company
And all I do is kiss you through the bars of Orion
Juliet I'd do the stars with you any time


Juliet when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above and I'll love you till I die
There's a place for us you know the movie song
When you gonna realise it was just that the time was wrong Juliet?


A lovestruck Romeo sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a lovesong that he made
Finds a convenient streetlight steps out of the shade
Says something like you and me babe how about it?

You and me babe, how about it?




Friday, February 1, 2013

Getting in Where I Fit In

“When I stepped out into the bright sunlight, from the darkness of the movie house, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home...”  This is the opening line to my favorite book as a teen.  S.E. Hinton's The Outsiders was definitely my coming of age book.  Tonight, I have two things on my mind.  Pain and not fitting in. I felt like a quote from The Outsiders would be a perfect way to start this entry since the book is about being on the outside and not fitting in. Over the last few months I have been hearing other people in 12 step programs share about how they never felt like they fit in and some still have that feeling today.  Tonight I was given the opportunity to hear a story from a man who had those feelings of being an outsider.  I related so well to his feelings, wanting so bad to fit in and to feel normal.  I too, can remember being a very young boy and knowing that there was something different about me.  I was never comfortable in my own skin.  Once I hit my stride in early 2000 with the Widespread Panic party crowd I finally felt like I belonged.  I could consume as much of anything you could put in front of me and still walk in a straight line.  I felt so comfortable submersed deep in a drug subculture and surrounded myself with people just like me.  Only to find out eleven years later that I still hated myself and as I looked at that cop on November 4th 2011 I was so confused.  How did I get here? How had I fallen so far?  At the time, I was out of work, out of money, and was being escorted out of my blacked out girlfriends apartment.  Where had everything gone wrong? Tonight, after hearing the speaker talk about not fitting in, I thought about it.  I always felt that way.  Drugs and alcohol gave me a common bond with others.  And the really scary part about it is that I was good at it.  I could fucking party.  So it makes sense that the more shit I could get my hands on the more I was liked and the better that made me feel.  At the time I might have known it was a false sense of security who knows.  What I do know now is that I have finally found a place where I do feel like I fit in, even on days where I hate myself.  Those are few and far between now but they still happen.  Now, I surround myself with people that know exactly where I have been and have had the same feelings I do.  And they ALL turned to the bottle or the bag to get themselves through.  Now I spend my days knowing that I DO fit in with these people.  We all have one common goalSTAY SOBER.  Sure there is more to it that just staying sober, but ultimately that is the main goal.  The people I speak with and see on a regular basis have all hit a bottom and are willing to do what ever it takes never to be in that place again.  Some one shared tonight when they picked up their 5 year chip that they were proud today to be an alcoholic.  This is something my father will never understand and that is ok.  But being a drug addict and alcoholic has brought me to a place where peace and serenity exist, so I too am proud of what I am.  I am at peace and I finally fit in.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Grateful

Just a quick gratitude entry here before I go to bed.  Heard a woman share tonight about a friend relapsing after eight years. As much as I hate hearing this about someone, I need to hear it.  I need to remember how bad that last drunk was for me.  So tonight I am so grateful for my sobriety tonight.  I am very grateful for twelve step programs  that are there to help me and others like me.  I will surely die if I do not remain sober.  I am also grateful for the friends and support I have met in the rooms.  I am grateful for my health and my wonderful family.  I am grateful for the opportunity to go back to school and finish my degree.  I am grateful for a new friend that helped point me in the direction of where I want to move my life to next.  I am grateful for her love of music... I am grateful for little Addie who brings me so much joy every day.  She makes me thank God for the life that I have.  I am so blessed to have that little nugget in my life.  I am so grateful for the friends that have stuck beside me and that did not judge me or abandon me while I changed my life.  I am grateful to have finally found a higher power of my understanding that watches over me and that helped me when I could not help myself.  I am grateful for all of you that have made this blog a huge success.  I am grateful for my life and how amazing it is! 

Oh and one more thing, I am grateful for Rock n Roll.  Go See Live Music!

Sunday, January 27, 2013

I Give Zero Fucks

I know there are some people in the world that believe that there are certain words in the English language that are considered bad.  It is said at the beginning of several meetings that I go to, that while sharing please refrain from foul language because it might offend some people. This to me is really odd if one is to think about all the shit that we have done and seen in active addiction.  Well if you one of those people I would stop reading right now.  Why? First of all if you are easily offended you should probably not read ANY more of my writing.  Second, I am going to use the word fuck a lot in this entry.  Third, I really don't give a fuck.

So lets start with the word fuck.  And yes there is a point to all my fucking tonight.  I am a person that is very fond of the English language.  I believe that the spoken word, my own and others, make the best stories.  Sure I can read a book, or watch a movie, but there is just something about a story that is being told that is amazing to me.  Inflection, improvisation, and body language tell us way more than a book or movie ever could.  I think this might be why I am such a fan of music with lyrics.  To me there is just something magical about it.  With that being said, I truly believe that the word fuck might be the most useful word in the English language. It has so much more meaning than for unlawful carnal knowledge.  Sure, I could pull out my thesaurus right now and spend time searching for a word that MIGHT have as much weight or MAYBE convey the feelings or emotions I want.  But, when I really think about it, sometimes those other words just do not do the trick.  I might come across as uneducated, uncouth, or ignorant...  But, guess what?  Yep, you are right.  I don't give a fuck!  Any word that can be used as a verb, noun, adjective and adverb is superb to me.  This brings me to my next point, giving zero fucks.

Something I have been thinking about the last few days is how content I am and how little I seem to care about anything.  Now this might seem as apathetic to someone that is not a drug addict or an alcoholic.  For me this is becoming a life saver.  For so many years I was constantly thinking about this and worrying about that.  At the beginning the booze and drugs worked and quieted my brain.  After about a decade of abuse, they could no longer keep my mind quiet.  In fact they did just the opposite.  All that shit I was trying to quiet inside my head was now screaming louder than ever.  What I had, what I didn't have, he said she said, anything and every fucking thing a person could think about, I was thinking about and it was making me crazy.  Literally.  I think the Violent Femmes said it best in their song "The Country Death Song."

      "Well, I'm a thinkin' and thinkin', till there's nothin' I ain't thunk.
       Breathing in the stink, till finally I stunk.
       It was at that time, I swear I lost my mind."

This is where I was at the end.  Fueled by Cocaine and Whiskey, my brain obsessed over everything.  Especially the painful stuff.  Now, with a little over 15 months sober, I have started to notice that the obsessive thinking has dissipated. All that worry and obsessing was killing me. I would worry about everything.  It is no wonder one of my favorite songs is "Worry".  Over the past week or so I have realized that all this FUCKING BULLSHIT I use to carry around in my brain just really does not matter any more, and man it feels great.  It is a feeling of peace when I realize my brain has been quiet for an hour or two with out one single conscience thought.  As I write this I am almost overwhelmed with the relief that brings.  One of many promises sobriety has fulfilled.  Tonight, I GIVE ZERO FUCKS!

In closing I have to admit that I completely stole the I Give Zero Fucks saying from my friend Brian.  Thanks for the inspiration buddy!

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

It's Great to be Alive

If I had to make any statements about my weekend, I think It's Great to be Alive would describe how I felt the entire weekend.  Although it was bitter sweet and full of emotions both high and low, I would not trade it for anything.  The best part about it was the fact that going into the weekend I had no idea how it was going to go.  When I first moved to Denver, I spent a lot of time going out by myself.  Now back in Atlanta, I have come to the realization that in order to do the things I want to do, I will probably have to do them alone.  Well, at least that is what I was thinking on Friday. Here is how things ended up.

As I drove to Athens with the window down and the music loud with the cold air and warm sunshine hitting my face, my mind was racing.  I had two nights of the Drive by Truckers ahead of me.  I had a hotel room and the plan was to meet up with a new sober friend.   She and I have been facebook friends for a while and actually met in Charlotte on NYE.  I was venturing into completely new territory.  First I was headed into a very risky weekend in a city where all of my addictions met each other years ago.  I was without any of my support network, and to top it off I was going to hang out with this person that I had just met.  Needless to say the fear or excitement or what ever it was crept into my very dysfunctional brain and the next thing I know I am thinking about fat lines of Cocaine, ice cold whiskey, and LSD.  Which was my typical concert cocktail.   Now, I have had these thoughts before but not like this.  Usually it is a fleeting thought and is gone before I even realize what I was really was thinking about.  After a while of playing the tape through, and realizing that I would just end up scaring the shit out of my new friend in that state of mind as well as end up in jail or worse I came up a much safer plan.  I have really been wanting to get tattooed lately and I mean heavily.  My old friend Craig, who is no longer with us, use to love getting work done at Pain and Wonder.  Which is right next to the 40 Watt.  How appropriate would it be for these guys to tattoo me right next door to where I would be seeing my favorite band?  But, what would I get?  Immediately I realized how much I had been thinking about Cocaine and decided that the symbol for one of my 12 step groups would work.  Then every time from this weekend on I would have a permanent reminder of what I am suppose to be doing instead of what might feel good.  Unfortunately Pain and Wonder was all booked up till Tuesday, but I still managed to get the tattoo done.  It has been a while since I have gotten work done and I forgot how much that shit hurts....  But I still love it!

I was a little apprehensive about the weekend with my new friend but, from what I new about her, I told myself everything would be OK.  I have my reminder, I have my phone, and if I really get tempted or uncomfortable I will just leave.  More times than not, my expectations or fears or what ever you want to call it were way off.  There was absolutely no reason for apprehension.  My new friend who I will call "FISH" for now ended up being a perfect running mate for the weekend.  Smart, funny, weird, and a rock n roll lover, who could ask for more.  Saturday, we went to the DBT fundraiser for Nuci's Space with her boyfriend, which was really cool.  He is one of us and is also a member of one of my most recent favorite bands.  We talked about music and recovery, and I was very amazed with his openness with a stranger.  Needless to say it was a really great evening.  In that moment I had an epiphany.  I have known for a while that Kennesaw, Ga was not were I wanted to live and that it probably was not the best place for me to pursue a writing career.  Lets face it, it is not the thriving metropolis of art and free thinking.  Actually it is the complete opposite and I do not fit here at all.  The funny part about all this is that my mom asked me Friday before I left what my plans were, as far as where I wanted to live once that time came.  It was something that had really been causing a good bit of internal strife.  I knew for obvious reasons that Colorado was no longer an option, but the thought of spending any money on a place in Cobb County or Fulton made me sick to my stomach. But, now that little Addie is here the thought of moving out of state was no longer on the table.  What was I going to do?  In that moment talking about staying sober and seeing rock n roll on the patio of Nuci's Space in Athens, I realized that was exactly where I was suppose to be.  This is a place full of art, weirdness, acceptance, rock n roll and a great recovery scene.  So now the weight of where I will be headed next, is gone.  I just need to figure out how and when.  We will see what happens this next year in school and go from there.

Now, this is the part of the story where things get a little sad.  Some time Thursday night longtime friend, and road manager of the Truckers, and long time 40 Watt employee, Craig Lieske, past away.  I did not know him but from everything I witnessed this weekend he was truly loved.  Friday, during the show, it was obvious that the band was hurting.  From where I was standing I could see the folks in the front row up against the stage crying and singing at the same time.  It touched a place in my heart.  I felt so bad for them.  I thought about how I would feel in their shoes.  I was amazed at the bands commitment and the show went on.  I guess that is why its called rock n roll.  I am guessing that since Craig was a rock musician this is what he would have wanted.  It was quite moving and now I completely understood why I love this band and their music the way I do.  It is the perseverance out of struggle that get can relate to.  I have always been good at getting back on the horse after I have fallen off it.  Despite the feelings off loss in the air the entire weekend, it was a like a warm hug from an old friend.  Sad, yet full of hope and promise of the future...  Maybe it was Craig looking down on all of us in that venue, watching us rock!

 With it being Martin Luther King Jr's birthday today, I absolutely must share one of if not the coolest experience of the weekend.  On Friday night there was this guy standing behind me yelling and dancing that brought a big smile to my face.  He was very excited and reminded me of an old friend.  As the band started to play the third song, "The Three Great Alabama Icons" he started yelling wildly that he had played this song for his class earlier that day.  Come to find out he was a teacher at a local high school.  I want to say a lit teacher, but I really cannot remember.  For those of you that are not familiar with this song, it is ultimately a song about Alabama, during the years of George Wallace.  The self proclaimed segregationist and on and off Governor of Alabama from 1963 to 1987.  The song finishes with George Wallace ending up in hell with the Devil being a southerner.  The song portrays Wallace for what he was, an opportunist willing trample on the backs of others to get where he wanted to go.  After the show I introduced my self the guy standing behind me who turned out to be a friend of my new buddy "Fish".  We talked about the reactions of his students from hearing the song, which were mostly black.  He said they loved it.  We went on to talk about my writing and other things.  It really was great to meet a teacher stepping out of bounds to make sure his kids learned.  I dont ever remember learning about George Wallace in High School.

To sum everything up, it is great to be alive.  This turned out to be the best weekend I have had in a really long time.  I gained a new friend, which I desperately needed.  I spent some time with some great musicians, went to a fantastic meeting, decided where I will live next and saw one of my favorite bands live two nights in a row.  The best part about this is I managed to do all this with out drugs and alcohol.  What a blessing!  I guess the tattoo worked.  I will go to any length to stay sober, but I will never quit seeing rock n roll!

Rest in Peace Craig Lieske!

A World of Hurt

Once upon a time, my advice to you would have been go out and find yourself a whore
But I guess I've grown up, because I don't give that kind of advice anymore

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

I was 27 when I figured out that blowing my brains wasn't the answer
So I decided, maybe I should find a way to make this world work out for me
And my good friend Paul was 83 when he told me; that "To love is to feel pain"
And I thought about that then and I've thought about that again and again

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

"To love is to feel pain" there ain't no way around it
The very nature of love is to grieve when it is over
The secret to a happy ending is knowing when to roll the credits
Better role them now before something else goes wrong
No, it's a wonderful world, if you can put aside the sadness
And hang on to every ounce of beauty upon you
Better take the time to know it there ain't no way around it
If you feel anything at all

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

So if what you have is working for you, or you think that it can stand a reasonable chance, and whatever's broken seems fixable and nothing's beyond repair
If you still think about each other and smile before you remember how screwed up it's gotten or maybe dream of a time less rotten
Remember, it ain't too late to take a deep breath and throw yourself into it with everything you got

It's great to be alive

Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt / Gonna be a world of hurt

Patterson Hood / Drive-By Truckers (In studio 11PM, June 16, 2005) © Soul Dump Music (BMI)
Pedal Steel Guitar - John Neff / Wurlitzer Electric Piano - Jason Isbell / Lead Guitar - Mike Cooley





Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Gone for Good

Gone For Good 


by Morphine

 I'm never going back never going back to you
I'm never going to see you again
I'm never going to dig out your picture
I'm never going to look you up someday
Life is very short
You don't love me anymore
So I'm never going to see you again
I'm never going to write you a letter
Never going to call you on the phone
I'm never going to drive by your house
I'm never going to catch you coming outside
Never going to walk up your walk
And ring your bell
And feel you fall into my arms
I'm never going to see you
I'm never going to see you
I'm never going to see you again
You're gone for good

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Growing Pains

These days I am really trying to pay attention in my meetings to what is being said in stead of waiting to talk.  I pay very close attention to those with long time sobriety that have all the things in life that I want.  I also try to listen close to those that are just coming in or have relapsed recently.  I want to keep close that reminder of what it is like out there in the world of drugs and alcohol.  I heard a woman share tonight about how hard it is to discuss with her husband about her bottom.  This triggered a good bit of introspection for me tonight.  I have to remember that night vividly.  I need to remember what I saw in the mirror in that apartment right before the cops walked in.  I HAVE to remember how insane the entire world felt at that moment.  As painful of a memory as it is, it is much less painful as an old memory than it would be to be in that situation again.  And for me that includes two types of sobriety.  There is the sobriety from drugs and alcohol and a sobriety from women that are bad for me.  Neither is a place I ever want to venture into again.  So tonight I keep that fear close.  I have dodged a few bullets here in the last few months with women and it has made me realize that I have to be more aware.  I need to be aware of how sick the people are I am spending time with as well as myself.  I can spend my time helping those that are as sick or sicker than I, but as far as companions go, I need to be very cautious.  Tonight I shared about learning to be calm and at peace with being alone and in my own skin. Everyday I am getting better at this, but like I heard tonight, in that alone time comes the pain too.  And until tonight I saw that pain as the past having a foot hold on me currently.  But as the woman shared tonight, learning that in that alone time to be ok with that pain is evidence of growth.  In order for growth to occur there will be some pain.  Learning from mistakes of the past is never easy or pain less.  Hearing this woman share this tonight brought in that warmth that I use to get from the straw.  A sense of self knowledge if you will.  It is a great feeling to understand that I am moving forward in so many different ways.  It is a peace I have never known.

Tonight I will close with a few words with God.  God, please help me.  Help me to stay sober another 24 hours.  Help me to stay on the path of forgiveness, love, and tolerance.  Please help me help those that so desperately need it.  Thank you for all the blessings you have given me.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Letter to God

Dear God,

How are you?  I am well thanks to you.  I am alive, thriving, and holding the course.  I figured since I have been struggling with my prayer and meditation that I would use my writing as a way of communicating with you.  I am hoping that if I incorporate my prayers into my writing I can get back to that place where I was at the beginning of last summer where we were talking everyday. In those hot Georgia mornings I felt so connected to you, those moments were so powerful I could not help but cry.  Today I have more faith in you than ever, but I feel as though the communication is lacking on my end.  It never fails on your end.  Tonight, I heard a gentleman share about how his ability to forgive at this point in his sobriety was a miracle.  Earlier today I prayed for you to help me with ability to forgive and you spoke through him tonight.  You allowed me to listen tonight and like many nights in my meetings, I heard exactly what I needed to.  So, tonight here are my prayers.  Please, God, help me.   Help me to continue on this path.  Help me to continue to stay sober.  Help me to continue to grow in your light and to understand your will for me.  Help me to continue to learn to love myself and know what I am worth in your eyes.  Help me to continue to be selfless and always put others needs ahead of my own.  Please help me to carry this message of sobriety and hope to the addict and alcoholic that still suffers.  Please show me where I can be of service to my fellow man in all aspects of my life.  Please help me to ask why less and how more.  Please help me to love more and hate less.  Help me be a better man.  Thank you for all that you have given me.  Thank you for the chance to live again.  Thank you for my wonderful family.  Thank you for the fantastic friends new and old in my life.  Thank you for taking away the fear and the worry that haunted me for so long.  Thank you God for saving my life.

Me

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Enough?

I heard exactly what I needed to hear tonight.  This is a statement I have heard quite a bit over the last 14 months of going to 12 step recovery meetings.  Tonight's meeting was on willingness.  The willingness to change.  The willingness to get sober.  The willingness to stay sober.  The willingness to believe in a power greater than myself. The willingness to put in the work to change my life.  There is a saying amongst 12 steppers and that is “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it – then you are ready to take certain steps.”  I listened really hard in that meeting tonight.  I thought about my own willingness.  I thought about how I felt last November coming into these rooms so broken and beat down.  I was finally willing to go to any length to get my life on track.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  When I look back on those first few days after arriving back in Atlanta, I think about how willing I was to change my life so I would not end up a dead cliche.  

Tonight I was willing to listen.  Those of you that know me know that I am a talker and I share at almost every meeting I go to.  One thing that is suggested in my program of recovery is to get outside of myself and go to new meetings.  The point is to get out of my comfort zone and possibly hear some new solutions.  Tonight I attended one of those new meetings.  A new meeting down in the city and away from the comforts of upper middle class suburb recovery.  When I attend new meetings I tell myself to listen more and save the sharing for another time.  I try a little harder to focus on what is being said.  After all these people are just like me and a lot of them do have what I want so if I keep my mouth shut I might get a little piece of knowledge to get me to the next step of becoming a better man.  Tonight the listening paid off and I heard the complete reason for why I am a drug addict and an alcoholic...  Enough.  This has always been my biggest problem.  Starting in my youth, I was never cool  enough.  And from there the race was on.  I would struggle with the concept of enough from the age of 12 until....  Well shit it is still something I struggle with today. I am going to be honest about the enough's in my life that brought me 20 plus years of pain.  I was not cool enough, my hair wasn't short enough, my grades were not good enough, I was not fast enough, I was not tough enough.  Soon these things changed to I didn't work hard enough, I was not smart enough, I have never have enough money.  Eventually I was not good enough looking, I was not skinny enough, I never had enough coke, my car was not nice enough, I am not tall enough, I don't work out enough and the list goes on and on.  The bottom line is I did not have enough and I was not worth enough.  Whether for myself or for others.  Now that I have a little bit of sober time under my belt, I don't particularly care if what I am or what I have is or is not enough for anyone else.  Today, what I have and what I am is just enough for me.  This is something I have to remind myself of every day.  Most of all as I near bedtime is that being sober TODAY was ENOUGH for me TODAY.  Another 24 hours with out a drink or a drug is a very successful day for me.  Anything else that I accomplished today were all blessings from my sobriety being ENOUGH!

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Forgiveness and Validation from Within

Well, here I am at the end of my day and I am so glad it is over.  Today was an unusually rough day and I definitely made a mistake today.  Last night I could not sleep, and slept with a nicotine patch on which led to some dreams I could have done without.  Needless to say when I woke up this morning my mind was in a place it had not been in months.  One thing led to another and I did something I now regret terribly.  Dont worry I did not drink or get high.  But it was definately something I should not have done.  Anyways, shortly after that I went to do a fifth step with my sponsee.  I told him to make him feel more comfortable I had some fourth step work I needed to do and I would share that with him.  The work I did in that fourth step was directly related to the mistake I made today.  After all this was said and done, I realized some new character defects that I need to work on.  Forgiveness and self validation. 

Forgiveness is something that I have known for a while that I truly struggle with.  But it was not until today that I figured out how much bullshit I hold on to because of this.  I shared with a fellow alcoholic today that I am just not ready to forgive certain people for their actions.  As childish and petty as this sounds, it is the truth.  I want to but I cannot.  She went on to tell me that in the act of forgiveness we are letting ourselves off the hook.  Then the pain we hold on to has no more power.  It is our way of letting go.  Letting go of all that bad shit that is completely unnecessary.  Tonight I am listening to Ryan Bingham.  In his song Flower Bomb he says "Relieve the pain so the good can grow."  Tonight I want to give in and relieve all that pain.  Tonight I want to cry like a child and be done with it for good.  But for some reason the tears wont come.  So instead I will pray.  I will pray for them.  I will pray that God will help me learn how to be more forgiving.  So that my heart will have room for love again.

Today, I aslo relized how much I look for validation from outside sources to prove my man hood.  It is really weird, despite all my good traits, I still need that outside source to reaffirm what I already know.  It is almost as if all those things that I do believe define what a man should be are not good enough for me anymore.  I have no idea how I got to this point or if I do or do not believe that.  What I do know is that I am sick and tired of not finding that validation from god or myself.  SO, this will be another thing to add to the list to pray about and to focus on changing.  It is really not an apealing vision of ones self at all.  So I will put into action the things I have learned to do to make the changes I want.

I will close this entry with something positive.  Tomorrow the paper work goes out so I can take 12 step meetings into the jails.  Also, I am going to a recovery center for men and am going to talk to the director about the volunteer positions they have available.  Then I start guitar lessons on Sunday, which I am really excited about.  After that I have two nights of the Drive by Truckers in the beautiful city of Athens, Ga.  Hopefully I will also be recieving my acceptance letter to school this week.  All great things to come!  Thank God!

Flower Bomb

Songwriters: BINGHAM, RYAN

1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

In this world, we have gone
Out on our own, all alone in stone
Looking for time that passes us by
You tired and old you may get left behind
In this world we hope to see
Invisible signs of our democracy so
Maybe somehow we all can say
That it's worth the blood that we leave on the stage

For in this world we make a stand
For suffering minds of unknown lands
But the water balloon are 2 left feet
Can never rise above our political heat
For in this world we voice and
It's lout as hell if we have the choice
Don't consume them best to fill your lives
Then we feed our kids what we leave behind
In this world we have to shake and
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/ryan-bingham-flower-bomb-lyrics.html ]
Man the hand that button breaks
If we hesitate we not forget
About the hard ticks written for last month's rent, mhm
How in the hell can we progress
If we're all out of work hooked on pills for stress
They tell us, up in heaven there is food for eat
But for now all we get is this shit on the street
For in this world we just can't trust
And food stamps filling our bellies up
Homeless kids on forgotten roads
Let's hope they can bear when the winter cold cause
The spark within the youngest eye
Can slowly fade with the whisper cry
So lend your heart and all you know
And relieve the pain so the good can grow
Relieve the pain so the good can grow.



Sunday, December 30, 2012

Service Work

On Thursday night I had the opportunity to hear Judy P. tell her story at my home group.  She had an amazing story and 40 years sober.  There was how ever one part of her story that really hit home with me.  She shared about the service work she did.  She shared about letting the drunks in her home to get a hot meal, clean clothes, and a warm bed, so they could feel human again.  She also shared about her service to her community.  I was so impressed with her ideas about getting back into society by doing volunteer work that was outside of the recovery realm.  It just reinforced why I got out of the corporate world and went to work for my self.  I want to throw myself into the deep end of my recovery service work as well as other community work.  Where can I be of maximum service?  This is a question I need to be asking my self every day.  So now that my schedule is more flexible I will be working with a group of guys that take a meeting into the jails every Monday.  I am also currently looking to do some volunteer work with a literacy program.  I was thinking the other day how hard it would be to recovery from drugs and alcohol if you could not read or write.  Heck how hard would anything be for those in society that have fallen through the cracks.  So I think these are two places where I can be of most service, to the alcoholic and addict that still suffers, and to my community.  I know we live in a society that today has gotten away from the "it takes a village" concept.  But I am a firm believer when our fellow man struggles and suffers it affects all of us.  I live a blessed, privileged life.  I can only keep that status by giving it away.  As a matter of fact tomorrow I am working the Sober Panic Fans table at the New Years Eve Widespread Panic show.  Who says you cannot do service work and have a shit ton of fun at the same time!

Where can you be of most service?

Happy New Year, God Bless, and WMFP!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Laws of Attraction

I can remember partying after the 2010 New Years Eve Widespread Panic show with a girl and another couple, at some point during the night a friend of the two girls calls, and they put the call on speaker phone and she proceeds to tell the room about the most recent episode of cheating on her boyfriend.  Despite my high level of intoxication, I was amazed at how "acceptable" this was to the three people I was with.  Of course this should have been a blazing warning sign for me at the time. Needless to say, both the women in the room that night went on to be cheaters them selves.  Birds of a feather I guess.  Anyways, my point in bringing this up is what on earth did I put out into the world that attracted people that found infidelity acceptable behavior, much less funny.  Even though I was well into my addiction at the time, I was at a point in my life where this was not acceptable behavior to me.  I had been a one woman man for years by this point and would not condone this behavior from anyone in my life.  So now I have to wonder how someone with the moral code like mine would have attracted such people.  Who knows, maybe it was the drugs, booze, and everything else that allowed that type of woman into my life.

Now that I have put together a few 24 hours of sobriety and have completely changed my life, I have to wonder what it is about me that is still attracting the strangest of the strange.  I would like to think, and the people that know me best would agree, that I am a kind, gentle, caring, affectionate, honest person.  So how on earth is it that even in sobriety I am still attracting the complete opposite.  The liars, the cheaters, the disrespectful?  I had an experience a month or so ago with a woman that showed complete interest, yet finally admitted that was not her intentions at all, and she even went as far to apologize to me for having preyed on me for my attention.  WTF, where do these people come from?  The most recent attempt at dating resulted in an I miss you text on Christmas Eve, quickly evolving into completely disappearing all together over the next three days.  My sponsor tells me it is ok to have reasonable expectations of people.  Simple things like returning phone calls, showing up, and basic honesty...  Things that normal people do in their relationships.  I don't want to get to a point where I cannot expect these things out of people, and only expect the bad.  This is not something I want for my life, but experience does tend to mold us as human beings.  It is also hard for me not to compare my self to other people.  If I had a dollar for every dip shit, asshole, dickhead I know that I would not let into my home that has an amazing girlfriend, wife, and family, I would be a rich man.  It makes no sense to me.  Maybe society has determined that men and women are suppose to lie, cheat and steal from each other.  Maybe, just maybe, society has us convinced that kindness and generosity are signs of weakness.  I was speaking to a friend of mine this morning from Colorado that is going through a divorce.  Her soon to be ex is a good looking tough guy, a scrapper if you will.  Yet he fails to show up for his two young sons through out this whole process.  How did this scum bag pussy ever end up with a beautiful wife and two amazing children.... Unfortunately, I do not have the answer to any of these questions.  I can only continue to look inside my self and learn how to grow from with in, spiritually and emotionally.  This situation still continues to baffle me!

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Christmas 2012

Wow, I am really not sure where to begin.  This will be the third year I have written a blog entry on or around Christmas.  Like years past, I will share about what has happened in the past year, where I am headed and my Christmas wish.  This year will be much different from years past, due to the overwhelming changes that have occurred over 2012.  Some things will remain the same, I am still a creature of habit.  For example, after listening to several different bands and genres of music that would be appropriate and inspiring for this entry, and finally I went with the Drive by Truckers.  I don't know if it is the sweet, sweaty, sounds of the south that inebriate my mind to get all the words out or if it is the connection I have with their lyrics.  Songs like The Righteous Path, Purgatory Line, Danko/Manual, When the Pin Hits the Shell, and The Living Bubba almost seem as if they were written for my place in life no matter how much that changes.  Some how, some way, this music inspires me to get my words out and share them with the world.  Maybe it is the words of struggle, pain, recklessness, love, hope, loss, intoxication, and being southern that touch that place in my heart.  Maybe it is the underlying message of perseverance in their music that will inspire me tonight to share my thoughts on hope and the future.  What ever it is, the twang is loud tonight and we are on our way.

Speaking of the Drive by Truckers, right now Gravity's Gone is playing.  One of the reasons this song is one of my favorites is the amazing pedal steel guitar.  It seems appropriate to start this paragraph off with a quote from this song.  "What used to be is gone and what ought to be ought not to be so hard."  This quote could sum up the year of 2012 for me.  It has been a year of letting go, making peace, and moving on.  Deciding last November, after 22 years of drug and alcohol abuse, to get sober was not a hard decision at all.  The police will have that impact.  Little did I know that the easy part would end with that decision.  The life I use to have was now over.  Colorado, friends, girlfriends, insanity, and so many other things were gone.  Learning to live with what ought to be was a long and painful road.  Moving to Colorado was one of the most exciting times of my life.  It was a place that I fell in love with the first time i visited and knew that is where I wanted to live.  I was done with Cobb county and my life in Atlanta was in the past.  It took a lot of time for me to finally realize that I will get back to that land that I love so much, but now is not the time and it will not be happening any time soon.  I am finally at peace now with the fact that Atlanta is where I am suppose to be, for today.  Along with Colorado, letting go of some of the relationships, one in particular, was a very bitter pill to swallow.  And yes what ought to be ought not to be so hard.  But sometimes it just is and with a little faith and hard work that pain slowly subsides into the back ground.  Eventually the point of looking back turns into the point of looking forward.  This is where letting go and moving on from the insanity was the biggest obstacle.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  This remained a factor in my life until about October of this year, and finally I came to terms with the fact that the result was ALWAYS going to be the same.  Sadness, pain, anger, distrust, were feelings I no longer wanted in my life but I had to get off the road of crazy and give it all to God to let those feelings go.


2012 was an employment roller coaster.  Three places of employment later, I have started my own company, Adelaide Productions LLC.  I have decided that going back to school and learning how to make a living working for my self is the not only best for me, but possible employers as well.  I know I am not the easiest to employ.  Hell, I hate shaving, getting hair cuts, dress pants, I love tattoos and punctuality is not a strong point.  But, with a little hard work, I have complete faith that I can make the money I need working for my self.  This will allow me to grow my beard long and grey, grow my hair way past my collar, and never worry about my tattoos showing...  A modest living is the goal but hey lets aim for the stars.  As long as I stay sober, I know any thing is possible.  Along with starting my own company I am going to back to school in June.  Kennesaw State University has a fantastic professional writing program that I want to engage. Becoming a writer is a life long goal and there is no time like the present to chase it.  It is better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all right?  I am so excited.  Cannot wait to see what is to come.


Now it is time for my Christmas wish.  It is funny just as I started typing this paragraph "Everybody Needs Love," an Eddie Hinton song started to play.  This is exactly why I pick the Drive by Truckers to write to.  I always get what I need, when I need it from this band.  Tonight the topic of the meeting I went to was on having a spiritual awakening.  For me they started in back in June.  I am not sure if they have came from working the steps, being sober, having an open mind, or all of these combined, but they have happened and continue to do so.  I shared about the moment at the children's Christmas Eve service last night where I finally got it.  For years I have been asking my self why the story of Jesus Christ being born is the greatest story ever told.  Last night it finally hit me.  It is the ultimate story of hope.  Struggling and poor, Mary and Joseph gave birth to their baby boy in a barn, and look at how far his life has gone and how many lives he has touched.  That is a hope that I so desperately wish for tonight, Christmas night 2012.  Hope for myself, hope for my family, hope for everyone I love, hope for all mankind.  A hope that we all find that love that we all need to survive.  A hope to show me the way of forgiveness and acceptance.  A hope, that even against our nature, we as men and women can find our way above the violence and hate that plagues us. It seems so simple, yet so difficult.  Today I have faith and I have the hope that we will achieve the goals of love and peace for ALL MANKIND.



Good Night, God Bless and Happy Holidays




















Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Gratitude

Today my sponsor asked me if I could remember what everything was like last year, being a little over a month sober.  Unfortunately, this question brought back a flood of bad memories.  I then shared the conversation with my mother and her comments also reminded me of things from that time that unfortunately are still painful.  This immediately put me in a place of irritability and discontent.  Thankfully, I now have a set of tools to use when I get into that scary, ugly place in my head.  So, I knew it was time to sit down and make a gratitude list.  I have so many things to be thankful for today, Christmas Eve 2012.  Here is that list in no particular order.

First, I want to express how grateful I am for my amazing family.  I know with out a doubt I would not be sober and in the best place in my life I have ever been without them.  My parents have done their part by going to Alanon.  I am very grateful for the help that program has given them.  I am positive that with the help of both Alanon and AA, our family is finally beginning to heal from all the years of drug induced damage.  My sister and brother in law have also been amazing.  My sister is such a positive light in my life.  She is always willing to listen to me when I need her.  They have also given me the greatest gift I could have ever received, my niece, Adelaide Amanda Baines.  She brings me so much joy, it is indescribable.  I am truly blessed to have found an amazing sponsor, who has been an integral part of me making it through all the bullshit this past year.  The faith and wisdom that he has shared with me has taught me so much and has enabled me to live a much happier and peaceful life.  Through him I have grown closer with my higher power and the fear and doubt subside more and more every day.  I have so many fantastic friends that have supported me on this new journey, new and old.  Jake, you are the best friend I have ever had!  Thank you for all the hours of conversation you have given me and your unwavering support will never be forgotten.   

Last but not least, I want to thank God for all the blessings in my life.  I am sure that you kept me alive for reasons that I now know, but definately did not deserve at the time.  I will continue to do your will as well as I can and to continue to carry the message to the alcoholic and addict that still suffers.

For all of you that were not mentioned here, you know who you are and I am very grateful to have all of your love and support.

Thank you and Happy Holidays!

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Stop Throwing Up and Start Growing Up

I heard the statement stop throwing up and start growing up when I first got sober a little over a year ago.  The statement was used while giving out a white chip at a meeting.  That statement has stuck with me now for a long time.  It makes me think about how childish and irresponsible I was when I was out there using and drinking. So many stupid things I would do.  From not paying my bills, going in to work hung over, lying to women just to get them in bed.  Shit the list could go on and on.  Today, something happened that made me realize how much growth I have achieved.  I did the next right thing and ended a relationship that had a lot of potential for a lot of bad things to happen.  It sucked having to be an adult and have that conversation but it is what is best for both parties.  Bad timing I guess.  But I know I did the right thing for both of us.  So despite being a little let down with the situation I am very happy about knowing how to handle a situation that use to baffle me.  Which brings me a lot of joy.  There was no freaking out, no name calling or yelling, just rational thought, and a calm discussion.  It is a strange feeling to be able to see personal progress in action.  I have not thrown up in a very long time (hell I was never much of puker accept after Widespread Panic shows) but I have definitely started growing up.  Well it is time for my home group meeting and dinner!
Till next time!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Spiritual Progress

I am going to start off with a quote from the big book:
      "Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No    one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we were willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.
Our description of the alcoholic, the chapter to the agnostic, and our personal adventures before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:

(a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives.

(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism.

(c) That God could and would if He were sought."

When I read/hear this part of how it works I tend to think of my spiritual progress.  I think about how far I have come in the last year. Today I can honestly say that I am an alcoholic and could not manage my own life.  I know no human that could have relieved my addictions and after seeking God, he has relieved so much more than my alcoholism and drug addiction.  The biggest cause of my using for so many years was fear.  Today my faith in a higher power of my understanding has relieved all of that fear and doubt of the future.  Recently I was let go from my job (purposefully) and have begun working full time on getting my company up and running.  This has made a huge dent in my finances.  A year ago I would have been in sheer panic.  Today, the fear of economic insecurity has truly left me.   I know as long as I do my part and have the faith that God will continue to keep me safe just as he has done my entire life, everything will work out.  I have to believe that even during the overdoses, I was kept alive by a power greater than my self.  It was not just luck.  Today I believe that the purpose in keeping me alive is to share my experience, strength, and hope with the world and show others that struggle with drugs and alcohol that a new life is possible.  Carrying that message is my ultimate job today.

My reason for this post today is to share my struggle with that spiritual progress.  Even though I am on the road to permanent faith, I struggle on a daily basis with my prayer and meditation.  Back in the summer I had my schedule set for my prayer time in the morning.  Of course this was right about the time of my spiritual awakening.  It was a high that I had never felt before.  SO, it only seems natural that my time with God at this point would have prospered.  Today, even though my faith has grown, my actions in prayer have not.  So on the list of things to do is work on my prayer and meditation.  With that I will end with Thank you God for my sobriety and all the blessings you have given me!

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Coming Alive

What a fantastic week it has been.  I am living proof that being sober and working a good program will pay off.  The last two meetings I have attended allowed me to hear the things I absolutly needed to hear. Let me share a little bit about the week I have had.  First, I was laid off from my job.  Which was a complete blessing.  I was terribly unhappy with the whole situation.  And no amount of money is worth spending that much time miserable.  With all this new free time I have, I will be working on my new company, trying to take a stab at becoming a substitute teacher, spending more time with my baby niece, and diving even deeper into my AA program.  I am hoping to get set up with a group of guys that take meetings to the local jails twice a week.  This is where I feel I could be of maximum service to my fellow man.  I also have a ton of things to get taken care of in order to get ready for school in June.  One of these things includes doing a ton of writing.  I have a lot of writing projects in the works and hopefully they will get me some money.  The new website for The Sober Life is currently under construction and I am learning about internet/social media marketing.  I am very excited about my professional future.  As long as I stay sober, it is all possible.  No more under achieving for this under achiever.  This week I have also started spending time with a beautiful woman.  I am very excited to see what might happen here.  It is funny how things work out some time.  I want to yell it from the mountain tops!  I am so HAPPY!  Thank you God!  I am so very grateful! 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Letting God Be God

As a drug addict and alcoholic I can definitely say that I am not in the out come business.  As much as I want to think that I have control over what happens in my life the reality of it is that I don't.  It took me a really long time to figure out that this was a big part of my using and drinking.  Fear of the out come, joy of the out come, disappointment in the out come.  All because I thought sincerely that I had some control.  So I went out and got blasted for all these reasons.  How foolish and egotistical  is that to think that I would have all that power.  The power to make people do what I wanted.  To make them love me...  After a few hours sober I have learned that I have to do my part in life.  This ultimately is doing the next right thing.  And only then do I have some influence on my life.  But even then after doing all the right things, the result can end up being different from what I wanted.  Today, I am OK with that.  I have to be.  I cannot change the way things go.  So now I get out of the way and quit trying to control the uncontrollable.  For example, I took the risk and was let go by my company so I can work on my own business and getting it up and running.  I can sit here and worry and let the anxiety consume me or I can just work as hard as I can and what will be will be.  It is all in God's hands now.  And I truly believe that everything will be OK.  Whether the business fails or succeeds.  I will be OK.  Ultimately that is all that matters.  I went to a meeting last night that my sponsor chaired and the topic was about letting God be God.  Step out of the way and let things take the course they are suppose to take.  Having learned to accept this, I have found a peace that I cannot describe.  I truly have nothing to worry about ever!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Reminders

As I listen to the amazing pedal steel in a Drive by Truckers song, I am thinking about why I love that instrument so much.  After tonight's first step meeting I realize what it is about that mesmerizing wain of that guitar that gets my rocks off.  It is a sad but peaceful sound that carries the pain openly that is so prevalent in rock n roll.  It reminds me of sad times in the past, but in a way that eases the pain a bit.  Like the pedal steel guitar, tonight's meeting made me realize that I have a bitter sweet reminder of where I came from and where I am going.  A few weeks ago I started getting all my bills and debt in order.  It is a hefty pile that I owe and it is def in the five figure range.  As we talked tonight about being powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable, I realized that the fact that I owe over 25k in student loans and still don't have a degree, is a glaring example of how unmanageable my life really was.  Drugs and alcohol had a direct affect on every single attempt I ever made to go to school.  How could I owe that much money and not have my degree.  Oh yeah, I am a raging drug addict and alcoholic that lights every single aspect of my life on fire when I am using.  Recently I have found myself in a very happy and peaceful place and it was good to see that fact tonight.  I dont feel bad about not having my degree yet, but it is a great reminder to see how foolish and irresponsible I become when I am high on cocaine and whiskey.  It is good for me to keep these things that remind me of where I came from close.  I dont ever want to go down that road again!  Thank you God for my sobriety today.  So grateful!


Monday, December 3, 2012

Proof is in the Pudding

I thought I would get down a few words tonight and share some of the details of what is going on here in my life.  I usually try to have some sort of "Recovery" base to my entries but tonight that is not the case.  Maybe that is the proof in the pudding. What I mean by that is that tonight I don't have a whole lot pressing on my soul that I need to put into some profound words. Maybe, what I have learned is working.  After all, I am sober!  Tonight, even though things are a bit crazy, I am pretty happy with everything.  The other night at my home group birthday celebration I shared that a year ago I would not have been able to be a business owner or any where near it and last week I obtained a silent partner and funding so I am pretty stoked about this new adventure.  The new website is slowly getting under construction and I cannot wait to to see it.  I am sure it will be a lesson in patience, but I it will also be a lot of fun.  I have also started back to working on a collection of short stories that hopefully will be published into a book one day.  It is also a pretty great feeling to finally start making a dent in some of this debt so I can get my ass back in school in June.  The local university has a great English department and a professional writing minor that looks awesome.  It will be great to see how I do in school sober.  That has not happened since high school.  I am determined to get my degree even if it takes 30 years.  Hell it might end up close to that since I started my higher learning journey in 1992.  I have also come to the realization that I no longer  want to work in any corporate environment.  The bullshit, dishonesty, and flat out shenanigans just don't really mesh with this new life I have built for myself.  Hopefully I will be able to put a POSITIVE end to that part of my life here before too long.  I def think working for my self is the way to go.  Hell if I never wear a suit ever again it will be too soon.  Now lets talk about getting ready for my baby niece's first Christmas.  I am so excited about this even if she does not understand.  Watching her grow has been such a wonderful blessing,  and with that being said, I have taken moving out of Atlanta off the table for now.  There are too many things I would miss being away from her in these young years.  Hell I might even meet a woman here that loves the Grateful Dead and is not full of shit!  HA HA!  Who knows!  Well I hope this finds everyone well and happy on this first Monday in December.  Remember to be good.  Santa's elves are watching!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Gratitude and Acceptance

I , like so many other alcoholics and drug addicts have a very hard time accepting the things I cannot change, as well as feeling grateful for what I do have.  Today, I am feeling very restless, irritable, and discontent.  Despite being surrounded by so much loving family, the loneliness is weighing heavy on my heart today, as I obsess about the past and the future. These feelings are very reminescant of Thanksgiving last year, ten or so days sober.  The big difference today is I know what to do when these feelings arise.  This morning the daily reflection that I read reminded me that Gratitude and Acceptance will heal these negative feelings that I hold on to so tightly.  Which is why I decided to write now instead of later.  I need to take the time to get down on paper or screen what I am grateful for and make those blues run.

Today, Thanksgiving, 2012, I have a little more than a year sober.  This is what I am grateful for the most.  On my year anniversary, last Saturday my little sister shared with me how much more pleasant and enjoyable I am to be around.  It made me realize how much of an overbearing asshole I would be when I was around my family and how awful for them it must have been. Thirty minutes or so ago I felt those old selfish ways coming out and I knew it was time for me to take some time for my self and make a list of all the wonderful blessings I have.  While I write here in the recliner in my living room, my brother in law is holding my beautiful baby niece quietly while she takes her Thanksgiving nap completely content just being in her daddy's arms.  The sweet sounds of my mom and sister making the last minute preparations for our Thanksgiving meal are coming from the kitchen. I can see my Dad and my Grandmother walking around the front yard in the warm Georgia sun looking at all of my Dad's plants.  My grandmother looks happy and content to have another holiday with her family.   This calm that is coming in from focusing on these wonderful simple blessings is a new relief to the stress and pain that comes from having an alcoholic mind.  

Tonight like every Thursday I will be going to a meeting at my home group and spend some time with some wonderful, like minded, supportive people.  So many of these folks have played a huge part in the success and growth I have had in the first year of my sobriety.  I am so vary grateful for them.  I am not sure I could have made it this year with out you guys.  You all know who you are and I love you all dearly.

Now that my heart and mind have returned to that serene place, I will say that I will pray that all of you are blessed with the things that make you happy.  I will pray not only for my own wisdom and peace but for all of yours as well.    Remember to put in the work but to let God handle the results!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Found Out How Tall I Am

      I thought it would be appropriate that I listen to some Widespread Panic tonight while I write.  I am hoping the sweet sounds of Michael Houser's guitar take my mind to the places it needs to go so I can get all the right words out.  I keep listening to Proving Ground over and over and I think about how those words relate to my life today. I think I can apply most of the lyrics to the past year of my life.  Especially when I follow it up with The Last Straw.  I think that is actually where I will start all of this.  On November 4th, 2011 the last straw had finally been pulled.  After a short yet disturbing interaction with the Denver Police I knew I could go on no longer living a very deadly lifestyle.  I knew as I stared at that cop, if I did not change I would definately end up in jail or dead.  And just like the lyrics to Proving Ground, "Find out how tall I am, by jumping in the middle of the river," I headed back east to get sober.  That was 365 days ago tomorrow... Here is my experience, strength, and hope from the past year.

     It has been one hell of a year.  There is no doubt about that.  To compare it to a roller coaster would not do it justice.  It has absolutely been the hardest year of my life.  After much reflection I realize that I have learned quite a few lessons this year.  Like all lessons they are positive whether the felt good or not.  Here are a few that come to mind in no particular order.  Be careful who you trust, real friends are hard to find, and shit happens. Trust in God.  Go to meetings, work the steps, get a sponsor, help other drug addicts and alcoholics and you will stay sober.  Of course there have been more but I would have to say that these were the big ones.  Oh and GROW THE FUCK UP. The best part about coming out of a twenty year black out is having raw emotions to go along with these lessons that I have learned.  Emotions not masked with mood altering substances to pick me up and put a smile on my face, fake or real.  The last ten years of my life or more I drank and used for every reason.  Break ups, new jobs ,lost jobs, holidays, concerts, shit I even liked to use the sun as an excuse.  If it was a pretty day lets go tear it up.  So now that I have these raw emotions, mixed up with some hard lessons, betrayal, heartbreak, financial woes, and newly found sobriety.  I have been an emtional shit show the past year.  Thankfully I learned those other lessons quickly about going to meetings and all the other 12 step stuff.  I honestly say I could not have stayed sober with out them.  I am able to use the tools I have been taught through these programs to learn that I dont have to stay in active addiction any longer and keep digging that hole.  Today, I have no reason to get fucked up.  Now does that mean I dont think about it.  No, I do think about it.  I think about a great rock show, spun out of my head, with out a care in the world.  But that is not how it works for me today.  Those days are long gone.  Now all that is left is jails, institutions,and death.

     Speaking of jails, institutions, and death, when I first got back to Atlanta, my mother would say to me "Believe it or not, God kept your ass out of trouble, and alive for a really long time."  I would cringe in those early days when she would say that.  I still had a lot of anger and resentment towards God.  And when I say God, it is a God of my understanding, what makes sense to me.  I could not believe that such a loving God would have turned his back on me.  There was actually a point in my life that I was contemplating a tattoo that consisted of a broken heart and the word forsaken.  How fucking stupid is that?  Now that I have had some time to work on my relationship with God, I was not the forsaken one.  He was.  I had turned my back on my beliefs and that God I knew as a child by polluting my mind, body, and soul with all that crap.  And then like a dumb ass, would ask, why me God.  Now I realize it was not luck that kept my heart from exploding so many nights, it was God.  It was God, that kept me from going to jail that fateful night in Denver.  It was God, that slapped me in the face, and told me if I did not change I was going to die.  Today, I am grateful for that slap.  Today, knowing what I know, I pray.  Some days are better than others.  Some times I am more connected that others.  But today, if I know anything at all, is to TRY and do Gods will.  And most days I have no idea what that is accept to stay sober.  And today, that is enough for me.

     As I start on this last paragraph I started Proving Ground over again.  repetition and consistency is good for this drug addict and alcoholic...  Any ways.  If you have not figured it out yet, that river I jumped into was sobriety.  For the first time in my adult life, I have been sober for one entire year.  By jumping in that river I found out how tall I am.  I learned how to take a punch like a big boy and not completely piss my self.  That is what I needed most.  To learn how to be tall again.  To learn how to be confident and full of faith.  Of course there is a large amount of humility to learn but like we say, progress not perfection.

Proving Ground

Written by Widespread Panic

I really wanna move like I'd like to
Sometimes I remember myself
I really wanna feel like I'm supposed to
Sometimes I remember how to feel


How did I find myself just this way
My body keeps on moving
But my style gets in my way


Find out just how tall I am
By jumping in the middle of a river


Well, we were shaking cliches like we used to
You just remember the smell
Breaking my brain like a boy who just
Can't forget her smell


Now, how do you like the way I drive
Take us a little bit different way every next time (time)


Find out just how dry I am
By jumping the middle of a river


Find out just how tall I am
How tall I am


I really wanna move like I'd like to
Sometimes I remember myself
I really wanna feel like I'm supposed to
Sometimes I remember how to feel


How did I find myself just this way
My body keeps moving
But my thoughts get in the way


Find out just how tall I am
By jumping in the middle