Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Love and Betrayal

      I am sitting here tonight, working on my forth step for AA, which for those of you not in the program is to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  To make this a little clearer it is a big list of some pretty nasty things that we all endure in life, but to us alcoholics and drug addicts these are things that keep us using.  It is a list of people, places and things we are resentful at, we are afraid of, and the damage we have done while using drugs and alcohol.  We describe each resentment, fear, and who we hurt and what we did in detail.  We also have to describe what our part in each of these were and what could we have done differently.  The object of this exercise is to face all of these issues, mistakes, circumstances of life, what ever you would like to call them, analyze them, learn from them and leave them be.  The idea is that until I do this I will never be able to remain sober. It makes sense if you think about it.  Fear, regret, and resentment can be very power and dangerous things in life.  So I am trying to finish this step up since I have been working on it for a few weeks now and I am ready to have it finished and looking over what I have listed here is what gave me the title for this entry.
      While I am writing this I am listening to Eddie Hinton.  Songs about love deserved, love lost, love gained and the pain that goes along with all of it.  Listening to these soulful words, I keep looking at my list of shit here that pains me so and compare it to everything I have learned in the past 130 days of sobriety. What I have finally realized is that no matter how much I love I give other people there is always some fault of my own why I did not get the love in return I so desperately needed or wanted.  Because I wanted this love and affection so bad I allowed my self to enter into situations that in many ways were not healthy for me.  I allowed my self to be hurt over and over simply because I did not love my self.  There was a time in my life where I would walk away from anyone that betrayed me.. Once a cheater always a cheater WAS my belief.  When I say cheater, I am referring to all forms of cheating.  It makes me think of a line from Bloodkin's song "Rotgut".  " There are all kinds of Vampires in this world honey, some drain blood and some drain money."  It was not until recently that I have allowed myself to be hurt and lied to on a continuous basis and be ok with that.  It is simple, I have lost respect for my self.  Maybe some how some way I felt from all the years of abuse that this is how relationships were suppose to be and this was the best I could ever hope for... Well no longer can I be this person.  I have been sober almost 5 months now.  Sure I have had some help from my family which some people have been quick to point out, yet I am the one that has chosen to stay sober.  I am the one that chooses every day whether to stay sober or to go back out there and pick up where I left off.  This is something that I must be proud of.  Despite all the shame, guilt, fear, panic, sadness, anger, and one thousand other emotions I do love my self now.  I have no desire to go back to hurting and betraying myself like I did for so many years.  I do love my self and I do deserve back just as much as I give out because I am worth it.  No longer will I be a victim from your actions or mine!  

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Sweet Misery

At the beginning of my sobriety I was under the belief that everything in my life was immediately going to change for the better.  I truly believed that all of my problems would go away and I was going to get everything in life I had ever wanted. The woman who I had loved for so long had finally committed to being in a relationship, I had stopped using cocaine and had lost the obsession to use it, and I had a new job that was going to make me the money I needed to get back on my feet immediately. I was going to meetings everyday, I was hitting the gym everyday, loosing weight, deeply in love and happy.  I felt as though I had finally reached a place in life that I had been looking for.  Now it was not perfect by any stretch.  I did still live with my parents in Atlanta, but I had plans to get back to Colorado.  My job was not paying me what I wanted but that would soon change and my girlfriend drank too much.  All these things in my mind were going to get better the longer I stayed sober,  My life was not perfect, but for the first time in as long as I could remember I was happy.  My plans were set.  I was going to stay sober, make the money and get back to Colorado and get to work on the future I have always wanted.  All of this was going to happen, in my mind, simply because I was no longer using drugs and alcohol.    Well was I wrong.  Somewhere around my 60 day sober mark, my relationship with my girlfriend went to hell, the job was not moving as quickly as I thought it would and this was crippeling.  The two things in my life I was so sure about were crashing down around me.  How could this be happening?  I am sober now.  This is not how things are suppose to be.  I have changed so I should not be dealing with this kind of crap anymore...  The depression set in and soon I realized that I was dealing with emotions with a clear mind which had not happened in almost twenty years...  Things hurt now.  Reality hurt.  Being the self loather that I am as an addict and alcoholic, I figured I would take it one step further and take an honest hard look at my financial situation...  Ha!  Well here is where we are now...  The girlfriend is gone, I am 37 living with my parents, in Atlanta, and I am going to be here for a while.  A very long while.  I have no plan, I have no idea what to do next nor how to do it.  In some ways I feel as though I have hit a new bottom...  An emotional bottom with depths I have never felt before.  I am  bored, angry and depressed.  But I keep going to meetings, talking with my sponsor and other addicts and alcoholics, and most of all I am not using today.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Drunk Driving

She stood in the kitchen covered in flower.  Her red apron smeared with butter and chocolate. The spring air flowed through the kitchen with smell of blooming dogwoods and fresh cut grass.  Her fore head beaded with sweat from the heat of the oven.  Flour finger prints wrapped around the oversized wineglass.  A bottle of Pinot Grigio sat on the counter among the baking clutter, condensation, pooling at the bottom.  The sun bounced off the green bottle displaying multicolored kaleidoscopes around the open country kitchen.   Jesse hummed to the bluegrass playing in the background as she looked out the window watching her goats graze..  Jesse filled the glass to the brim and quickly gulped down half. 
“Hey baby” Tyler says calmly…  Jesse jumped startled from the surprise of his voice. 
“Hey Hun, you scared me.  How long have you been standing there?”
“I have been watching you for a few minutes,” Tyler exclaims as he grabs Jesse and pulls her close to him, leaning in to kiss her.
“Stop, I’m busy,” Jesse pouts pushing Tyler away.  The smell of booze permeated his nostrils and filled his lungs with anger.  Disappointed he let her go watching her eyes dart around the room.   Tyler backs away rejected.  Jesse refills her wine glass and takes another long sip.
“So, what is going on in here?  You have not baked in months.  It smells great.”  Tyler tells Jesse trying to keep his mind off the nearly empty wine bottle on the counter.
“I just felt like some wine and doing some baking today…  Is that ok with you?”  Jesse bites at Tyler.
Not in the mood for a fight Tyler leaves the room. 
“Axl, come here boy, cmon boy lets go for a walk.”  Immediately the stout Chocolate Lab shoots out the back door and darts across the yard scaring the goats.  Tyler lights a cigarette and walks slowly through the long grass dragging the heels of his boots..
“Axl, get your ball.  Where is your ball?  Axl darts off only to return as quick as he left with the dirty tennis ball in his mouth.  Tyler takes a long drag of his cigarette and pulls the ball from the dog’s mouth and tosses it into the field on the other side of the fence.  Axl darts up and down the fence until  Tyler can get the gate open.
“What are we going to do with her Axl?”  Tyler looks at his dog expecting a response. 
“Even you know something is wrong don’t you?”  Axl nudges Tyler’s leg to throw the ball again.
“Do you think she ever thinks about quitting?  Do you ever wonder if she thinks about the mean tone in her voice that is always there when she is drinking?” Once again expecting or hoping his lab would have some wise wisdom on the state of his alcoholic girlfriend. 
“Hell Axl, some days you love her more than you love me.  What kind of bullshit is that?  You are my dog!”  Tyler yells throwing the ball even further out of frustration.  Tyler and Axl walked the property to the sunset having a one way conversation and playing fetch.
As the sun completely set Tyler and Axl arrived at the back porch..  The lights were all on and he was ready to kiss Jesse. 
“Really?” Tyler yelled after seeing two empty wine bottles on the counter. 
“Babe, where are you?  Hello? Jesse, where are you?”  Tyler waited patiently for an answer.  Quickly he ran upstairs with Axl close at his heels. 
“Maybe she is just taking a nap Axl!”  Tyler says to his dog.  Tyler looks out the window and Jesse’s car is not in the drive way.
“I am so sick of this!  Oh I swear I will slow down on my drinking she says.” Tyler mumbles  to himself mocking Jesse. 
He dials her cellphone to no avail as it rings from the living room.
“I know she is blacked out.  Where on earth could she have gone? Back for more booze I am guessing.”  Tyler has this familiar discussion with himself yet again.
The buzz of his cell phone vibrates from his shirt pocket.
“Babe, are you ok? Where are you? Tyler yells into the phone.
“Mr. Simms? Mr. Simms?” The voice on the phone interrupts Tyler.
“Yes, who is this?”
“Mr. Simms, it is Deputy Rawls with the Guilford County Sheriff’s department.  Are you at home sir?”
“Yes, I am home.  Why what is the matter?  Tell me what is going on?  Tyler yells back into the phone.
“Mr. Simms, I need you to relax.  We have a deputy on the way to you now.  Mr. Simms there has been an accident.  Had Jesse been drinking?”  Deputy Rawls asks in a firm voice.

Monday, February 6, 2012


As I sit here reflecting on the last few months, listening to the Drive by Truckers, trying to find a way to get out the feelings of frustration and anger that are running through me, I realize that I really do have a lot to be grateful for.  The first thing I am grateful for is the fact that I am still alive… The last day of my using should have killed me…  There were numerous days that I should not have lived through.  All those years I always doubted a higher power, and ultimately I am sure of it now, it was GOD that kept me alive.  I am more than grateful for my wonderful family.  No matter how bad things ever got or how much I lied or stole or abused their love they were always there…  Maybe I could have accomplished this without them, but moving back to Atlanta was the route I chose, so maybe not.  They are very supportive and are happy to see me clear headed and healthy for the first time in almost 20 years.  I am very grateful for Brandi.  Grateful beyond words…  I would not even be here if it was not for her.  She has been there since day one listening, loving, motivating…  Not sure what those first two months would have been like without her…  No matter where she and I end up, I am eternally grateful!  Thank you, I love you!  The next person I cannot fully explain my gratitude for is Jake Warren.  He has answered the phone when I was at my lowest.  He has listened to me cry.  And when I mean cry I mean the kind of crying that no man wants another man to hear.  I never have to question his motives or his loyalty…  He is the one friend, rain or shine, no matter what will always come through for me, and I for him.  He is truly the brother I have never had…  Who else but your real brother would tell you they would smash your nose into your face if you ever snort another line of cocaine?  I am very grateful to be a part of the Warren family and to be healthy and able to participate in his children’s lives.  Speaking of children, Corrin, my little sister, is due in just a few weeks…. Yet another reason to stay sober… I cannot wait to be an uncle…  To be able to teach things like how to kick the soccer ball, or how to tell a great story, and all the other things that uncles get to do!   I have to remember that I am very blessed with wonderful friends and family that are more supporting than I deserve!  Kind of funny this is the song I am listening to as I come to an end of this entry!
The Living Bubba
I wake up tired and I wake up pissed
wonder how I ended up like this
I wonder why things happen like they do
but I don't wonder long cuz I got a show to do

I'm sick at my stomach from the A.Z.T.
Broke at my bank cuz that shit ain't free
but I'm here to stay (at least another week or two)
I can't die now cuz I got another show to do

Don't give me no pity don't give me no grief
Wit till I die for sympathy
Just help me with this amp and a guitar or two
I can't die now cuz I got another show to do

Don't give me no preachin' no self servin'
I ain't no angel but nobody's deserving
I can dance on my own grave, Thank You!
but I can't die now cuz I got another show...

Some people keep saying I can't last long
but I got my bands I got my songs,
liquor, beer, and nicotine to help me along
and I'm drunk and stubborn as they come
chain smoking, guitar picking, til I'm gone

I ain't got no political agenda
Ain't got no message for the youth of America
'cept "Wear a rubber and be careful who you screw"
and come see me next Friday cuz I got another show...

Some people stop living long before they die
Work a dead end job just to scrape on by
but I keep living just to bend that note in two
and I can't die now cuz I got another show...

lyrics by Patterson Hood
music by Drive-by Truckers (Cooley, Hood, Howell, Lane, Neff)
©1998 Soul Dump Music

Monday, January 23, 2012

Childhood Friends

      On Friday evening the 2nd oldest friend in my life will be coming for a visit to Denver.  John and I have been friends since we were in the 7th or 8th grade.  I cannot quite remember which..  The funny thing is that we have not seen each other in 10 years, we think.  We cannot seem to remember what year it was the last time we saw each other.  But we are guessing it was somewhere around 99 or 2000.  The really funny part about it to me is that no one here in Denver knows anything about me from that long ago, unless of course I shared any of that old stuff with them.  So after discussing John’s travel plans today with him my mind started to wander all over these old memories that I had not thought about in years.  Places we use to ride our bikes.  Memories of old girlfriends and first dates in a car with out our parents and what we were really doing with them in my parents basement when we were suppose to be watching movies.. .  A few of you reading this remember my parent’s basement.   HAHAHAH!!!  I also thought about memories of fights, some won, some lost, but ultimately the feeling of having your best friend standing up for you and what that truly means.  I thought about memories of being an innocent kid and having nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon in the Atlanta suburbs but ride my bike.  I have also thought about the two of us being the only freshman on a soccer team with 11 starting seniors and still getting to play.  We took a lot of abuse on that field but man was it fun.  Stephen King says “You never will have the friends like you did when you were 12,” and I could not agree more.  Some of us are just fortunate enough to have maintained those friendships through out a life time…  So it will be nice to give my old friend a big hug and exchange stories of our wild existence, places we have traveled and women of our past…….  Friday will not get here soon enough!!!!
Monsters are Real
Terry sat for a moment in his dirty F-150 exhausted from the day.  Happy the weekend had finally come.  He cranked the old truck and headed down the highway.  The layers of dust from a long days work on a cattle farm in Lubbock, Texas peeled off of him as the cow hand drove into the sunset.    This was the best part of Terry’s day.  The anticipation of seeing his beautiful wife and two wonderful children put the biggest grin on his face every day no matter what had happened.  His two kids Noah and Janie were always in the front yard waiting for their daddy to get home.  This was better than any bottle of whiskey Terry had ever consumed.  Terry and his wife Joanne had decided to move back to Lubbock from Houston two years ago.  They were happy with the choice to get away from the big city and horrible traffic to raise their children in a small, safe town.  Terry and Joanne had been high school sweet hearts and had run off to Houston to get married and start their big lives in the big city.  After ten years of scraping by Terry figured it was time to get back to what he knew best, cattle ranching, so he could make some real money for his family and live the peaceful life watching his kids grow up.  Friday night football games, cheerleading and barbecues in the back yard was his life now.  Terry’s stomach filled with excitement as it did every day as he turned on to Jones Farm Road where his house sat at the end.
                Terry pulled the truck into the long drive.  He could see Joanne sitting on the front porch as usual sipping a glass of sweet tea waiting for her husband.
                “Hey baby, where are the kids?”  Terry asks Joanne looking around the yard for the kids, waiting for them to jump out of the bushes.
                “I sent them to my mothers for the night.  My dad had to take some horses to Houston and she wanted the company.  I thought we could use some time to ourselves too.”  Joanne tells her husband.
                Terry kisses his bronze Texan wife and kicks his boots off on to the porch. 
                “Babe, why don’t you get in the shower and I will come join you with a couple of whiskeys in a minute.”  Joanne says to Terry smiling.
                Terry turned the show on nice and hot.  The near scalding water danced along his bronze farmers tan removing the dirt and manure dust.  Terry let the water beat him on the back of the head while he watched the brown murky water roll down the drain.  The bathroom door opened and the smooth sounds of George Jones danced in with his naked wife.  Terry opened the shower door and grabbed one of the tall whiskeys from Joanne and helps her step into the steaming hot shower.
                “Damn, you knew exactly what daddy needed today didn’t you Hun? Terry says putting the two drinks on the shelf and grabbing his wife.   
                Joanne kisses Terry deeply, “What makes you think this is all for you?  Maybe I had a really long day too and need my husband to come home and fuck me.”
                Terry smiles and kisses his wife back pushing her up against the wall of the shower.  He grabs her by the thighs and picks her up and pushes himself inside her.  Joanne’s eyes roll back in her head as the hot water runs over her hard nipples.  Terry’s deep thrusting makes her moan loudly.
                “Faster, faster gods damn it,” Joanne moans while Terry pushes with all his might.  Joanne’s back slamming repeatedly into the shower wall.  Joanne leans her head back gasping for air.
                “Can you still hear the music, babe? Joanne asks Terry as she wipes the water from her eyes.
                “Huh, what,” Terry replies panting from concentrating on his wife’s body.
                “Stop for a minute please.”
                Terry pretends not to hear her and keeps at his task of fucking his wife as she had demanded.
                “Terry, fucking stop for a minute,” Joanna yells.
                “What, what is it?
                “The music stopped.  There are like twenty songs on that cd.”
                “Come on babe, screw the music.” Terry picks his wife back up and kisses her neck pushing him self back inside her.  Joanne cannot help but relax as she rapidly approaches her climax.  The couple moves in unison, almost as if they are one person instead of two.  Joanne wraps her arms and legs around Terry while he screams with excitement.  Joanne opens her eyes looking over Terry’s shoulder into the bathroom and sees a man standing there watching wearing something on his head.  Two eyes stared at her from the holes cut into the makeshift mask.
                “Ahhhhhhhhh!” Joanne screams in terror. The glass door opens and the man shoves a pistol into Terry’s mouth before he can turn around completely.
                “Get the fuck out here you two fucking rabbits.”  Terry moves gently not to upset the revolver resting on his tongue.  The man grabs Joanne by the hair and throws her into the bedroom.  She laid there sobbing, watching.
                “So Mr., we are going to have a little fun this evening.” The intruder tells Terry calmly. 
                “What did you say Mr.? I did not hear you.”
                “Yes,” Terry mumbles as the tears swell up in his eyes.
                “Did you have a good fuck?  I hope it was great, cause it’s the last one the two of you will ever have.”  The intruder removes the pistol from Terry’s  mouth and instructs him to walk into the bedroom and lie on the floor.  Another man wearing the same potato sack mask walks in and grabs Joanna by the hair and drags her into the living room while the other proceeds to hog tie Terry. Joanne shrieks again.
                “The way she screamed in there I bet you can’t help but wonder what I have waiting for you in your living room can you?” The masked man heckles Terry while he drags him into the living room.
                Terry begins to sob himself as he sees the horror in his living room.   Joanne clings to her husband while she sobs wildly unable to breathe.
                “Now, before I finish this little game of cut and bleed, I just have to let you know, this is not personal.  We have never met and there is nothing you could have done to stop this.  Your house was just in the path of a very sick man. “The masked intruder tells the couple.
                “Any thing you want to say, last words if you will.”  The man says calmly.  He pulls out a large knife from his back and quickly silences Joanne’s sobbing.  Her face hits the floor with a dud.  Terry clinches his jaw while the man pulls him to his knees.  The mans partner is laughing rummaging through the fridge for sandwich meat.  The man with the knife pulls Terry’s neck back and slides the sharp blade across it.  The blade is so sharp it nicks the bone on its route.  Terry hits the floor on the left side of his face.  His last moments are spent staring into the eyes of his two dead children.  His blood soaks the carpet red.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

        So this time last year is when my quest to begin writing on a serious level began.  Laying in bed in my parents house unable to sleep recalling the previous year of my life in Colorado.  Well here I am again up late sitting in my parents living room listening to music and reading some of the work if have written over the past year.  Wild and crazy would be the best way to describe the past year.  From meeting new friends that quickly became brothers and others that just well shall we say made me a little crazy.  Some friends have come and gone this year, one in particular came to Colorado to visit three times this year.  I cannot explain how much I trust him, but, then I really do not have to explain anything.  I was also lucky enough to get a visit from John Rand.  My best friend from my adolescence. After 23 years or so the guy has not changed one bit.
      This year was a bit more uneventful as far as the travelling than last year.  I did how ever make the drive from Denver to Las Vegas.  The drive is absolutely amazing. Well at least through Utah it is anyways.  It is truly amazing that there are still places in the United States that do not get cell coverage and if you break down it could be a while before you see another car.  I definitely plan on doing some exploring in western Colorado as well as Utah after the snow melts this next year.
     This year school for the most part went really well.  I should say spring semester went really well.  I was derailed a bit here this fall but I have found the track I was on and have dusted myself off and the train is moving again.  This spring I am taking a couple of different creative writing classes that I am really excited about.  Hopefully I can turn this obsession/hobby into a career.  This is ultimately the goal.  Now I just need to make myself sit down everyday and write.  This of course is easier said than done.  We will see what happens.  The future is wide open. 
      The words above bring me finally to my Christmas wish for this year.  After reading last years wish I do believe I will take a different route.  My wish this year will be a bit more selfish in that I will wish for the strength to change the things in my life that need to change.  The things I need to change I will keep to my self.  For those of you that know me know what these things are and for those of you that don't I guess you will just have to guess.  Hopefully with this strength I will make the changes in my life to make next years Christmas the way I thought this one was going to be.  I do apologize for be being so cryptic but there are somethings I have learned I must keep for myself.
     I hope all of you find the time to reflect on your own lives in the next few days and make your own wishes.  I also hope and pray that you all will get the time to spend with your loved ones.  I am very lucky and will appreciate every minute I have with mine while I am home in Atlanta.

Next Widespread Panic!
                Another year has come and gone.  While I sit here in my parent’s living room late on Christmas Eve, I am listening to the smooth sounds of the 70’s and looking back at the year that has quickly come to an end.  This year’s trip home from Denver to Atlanta has been a little different from others.  I needed a break from the madness of being an obsessed social being.  It has been really nice spending some quiet quality time with the family and getting plenty of rest.  God knows I will need it to get ready for what lies ahead next week. 
                Looking back on the past year in Colorado I get a warm feeling  knowing I am right where I am suppose to be.  There was less travel this year and the school year did not end quite the way it started, but everything that I have experienced west of the mighty Mississippi has yielded lots of introspection and lessons learned.  I have seen an over abundance of fantastic music and have met some wonderful people that I am more than proud to call very close friends.  You all know who you are!  I am thankful for all of you!
                Just like the last twelve years I will be attending the NYE Widespread Panic shows.  This year the shows will be a little different in the fact that no one from my Atlanta family will be in attendance.  This has been on my mind and I was feeling a little stressed about this but the more I think about it I am welcoming the freedom to roam and see what happens.  It will be fun to go to the shows with some new folks and boogie.
                All of the above brings me to my Christmas wish.  It is funny what we wished for when we were young and the world was a simpler place.  After 36 years my Christmas wishes have varied quite a bit.  This year I am wishing for wisdom.   The wisdom to know when to run, when to stay and fight, and when to say I have had enough.  I wish for the wisdom to make the right choices in my life that will keep me happy, full and satisfied.  I wish for the wisdom that will guide my heart to be a more compassionate son a more loving brother and a stronger friend.  One can never be to wise.  So if you are reading this, take some time for yourself to think about your Christmas wish and what could guide you to be being the person you want to be.   You might be surprised what you will find.
Happy Holidays and Peace on Earth!
I cant eat
I cant sleep
All I can do is drink
Whiskey in my veins!
Vodka on my brain!
Hoping it will kill the pain!
A life full of shame
I wish I could whisper her name
She made me feel so sane!

Pull the Trigger

                The sounds of the respirator and the smell of disinfectant permeated Tyler’s ears and nose.  The sun had begun to set through the private hospital room window in Nashville.  Tyler sat quietly with his daddy’s beat up acoustic guitar across his lap while he held his hand.  While Tyler picked at the guitar strings the memories of days past flew through his mind, trying to hold the tears back. Johnny “.45” McKay was on his death bed with his son Tyler by his side.  There were stacks of cards and the flower baskets that had been sent from fans and record execs from all over the country were strategically placed around the room.  One would think with this much correspondence that the room would be full of family and friends coming to see the great country star off to the great unknown but Tyler knew this was not the case.  All the years of his daddy’s drinking and drugging had pushed everyone away.  Tyler knew he would be the only visitor in these last painful hours of Johnny’s life.  Tyler picked a few songs here and there wondering if the old man could hear him.  The morphine had taken control now and it would not be long.  The nurse came in with a clip board and a pen.
                “Mr. McKay, you need to sign these insurance forms and the dnr as we discussed yesterday.” The nurse says to Tyler in a very professional voice.
                “Ok, give em here.” Tyler says calmly taking the clip board and signing the papers. 
                “It won’t be long now will it?”  Tyler asks as his bottom lip starts to quiver...
                “Don’t worry he does not feel a thing,” the nurse replied. Tyler went back to picking at the guitar.  Tyler watched as the nurse loaded the morphine in to his father’s I v.  The sweat on Tyler’s brow appears immediately.
                “Ok, I will be back shortly to check on him,” says the nurse.  Tyler quickly got up and laid the guitar in the chair he was sitting in.  He locked the hospital room door and went into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.  Tyler pulls the black sunglasses case out of his denim jacket pocket and sets it on the sink and removes his jacket.  Tyler looks at himself in the mirror as he rolls up his left shirt sleeve, revealing the needle tracks in his arm.  Tyler turns his trucker hat around backwards and opens the case removing the tied plastic baggie of heroin and the spoon.  He flips open his pocket knife and unties the baggie, slides the tip of the knife into the bag and shovels a generous portion of the heroin onto the spoon. Once the heroin is cooked Tyler fills the syringe and ties his belt around his arm and looks at himself in the mirror.
                “Here’s to you Pops,” Tyler says raising the syringe in the air.  As the tears roll down the young country stars face he slides the needle into his arm and the warm euphoria comes rushing in.  Tyler removes the needle and packs up his kit.  He quickly unrolls his sleeve and puts his denim jacket back on and heads out the door for a smoke.
                The cold, wet Nashville air sends chills through Tyler’s stoned body.  Tyler lights his cigarette, pulls his phone out of his pocket and starts to walk around the courtyard of the hospital.  Tyler dials his voice mail and puts the phone to his ear taking a long drag off the cigarette.
                “Tyler, it’s me, Meghan, I know you think you want me there with you but I just can’t do it.  Call me and let me know you are ok, please, please, “the voice sobs in the message. Tyler hangs up the phone and sits down on the bench in the courtyard staring at his phone.  For all practical purposes Meghan was Tyler’s girlfriend.  They had known each other a year now and Tyler had professed his love for her right before Christmas.  It was not until after Tyler’s New Years Eve show that the two finally hooked up.  Meghan had been dodging Tyler’s advances since they met.  Tyler knew she loved him; it was just getting her to admit it that was the hard part.  Now, two weeks after their romantic weekend, Meghan had gone back to her indecisive ways.  Tyler had also started using heroin at the same time he met Meghan.  She was the only person in the whole world other than his dealer that knew about his drug problem.  Maybe this was the reason she refused to admit that she loved him, maybe it was the constant touring, and maybe it was something in her own head.  The more she told him she did not love him the more heroin he put into his veins.  The pain of not having her by his side as his woman was almost too much for him to bear.  Tyler dials Meghan’s number and waits for an answer.
                “Hey,” Tyler says in his sad, depressed, stoned voice.
                “Hey,” Meghan replies.
                “How are you?” Meghan asks.  She waits listening to the silence on the other end of the phone.
                “Well how the fuck do you think I am?  I am sorry I don’t mean to snap at you. I just really wish you were here with me.  It is not easy watching your father die.” Tyler says to Meghan.  He can hear her start to cry.
                “We have talked about this Tyler, you know I cannot be there and you know why.” Meghan says through a mouth full of sobs and a face full of tears. Tyler takes a long drag off of his cigarette and drops it to the ground smashing it with the heel of his boot.
                “Well I’ve got to go.  It won’t be long now and I want to be there when he goes. “Tyler tells Meghan. 
                “Ok, well will you call me later, after?  Please don’t go get wasted.  You know I worry about you so much.”  Meghan pleads with Tyler.
                 “Tyler, Tyler, Tyler,” Meghan yells.  Tyler hangs up the phone with out a reply and walks back into the hospital.
                “That woman is going to kill me before anything else,” Tyler mumbles to himself.
                “Has there been any change?” Tyler asks the nurse.
                “No, son Im sorry, but I would be surprised if he makes it through the night.” The nurse replies.
                “Ok, thanks.”
                Tyler exhausted from the hospital, the heroin and Meghan, pulls the chair close to his daddy’s bed.  He slides his boots off and props his feet up on the bed and covers up with his jacket.  He cannot keep his eyes open any longer.  Slowly Tyler fades to black.
                Tyler wakes up shortly around eleven p.m. to the one of the machines beeping.  The nurse is standing above his father taking his pulse.
                “it will be any minute now, Mr. Mckay.” The nurse says softly.  Tyler gets up and puts his boots back on.  The heart monitor makes a suttle beep

Alcohol and Heart Break

30 seconds was all it took
You in that little blue dress
Made me such a mess
Finally in December I had to profess
Two weeks away was the test
New Year’s Day was the best
One week later your head began to spin
And the pain had to begin
In a drunken rage
You showed your age
Two guys in one week
That was not for the meek
Down in a hole
To save my soul
Buried from the sun
I took my booze on the run
Back and forth just for fun
But you hit me with a brick that weighed a ton
A three month break
We could not take
In a blink
I did not have time to think
Then came those three words
I could not believe I heard
But the police came around       
And it was time for me to be leavin town
Our love grew strong
I wish it didn’t have to take so long
But after twenty years of being sick
The smog in my brain was pretty thick
You loved what I had become
Sobriety you said you wanted some
But alcohol not me is your best friend
Now it is time for us to end


Fuelin up on whiskey and anticipation
Ready for Cooleys screamin Gibson
Prayin I don't see her tonight
That powder and paper and the sounds of the dirty
 Might start the fury
The thunder might come rollin down on you and that new man you’ve been bringin around
You been fuelin my heart with fire
And now we are gonna see what burns
Now pour me another drink
Make it tall and brown
Better make it a strong one
To handle those chords that will scare the devil right outta ga and knock you off that pedestal I have placed you on

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Last Chance

It always shows by the smile on your face
But your words wont match
The unknown is too much to bare
Perfection is what you seek
On your never ending journey
A feudal  quest


I cant eat
I cant sleep
All I can do is drink
Whiskey in my veins!
Vodka on my brain!
Hoping it will kill the pain!
A life full of shame
I wish I could whisper her name
She made me feel so sane!


Somewhere along the line
I was willing to give her what was mine
Now she has set with the sunshine
And all I got left is time
and those brown eyes
staring at me from the back of my mind!
Some where along that line
Some where along that line
Between heaven and hell is where she left me
Flirting with the Devil to get me by
knowing he aint gonna help
but the taste of anger and pain
is just enough for him to get me high
We meet in those low places
Where our friends lie
Warming ourselves to the tune of guitars
and whiskey shots
Wishing the Devil would end my misery
and take my soul
On down that line
Somewhere along that line
Somewhere along that line
Between heaven and hell is where she left me